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Can someone explain to me what Andy Reid brings to the table that makes him such a valued commodity? Teams are lining up for his services but what I really feel that they are lining up for is disappointment and heartbreak.

Andy Reid is, and always has been, a decent coach. Sometimes even a good coach. He’s never been a great coach. He has a good record (130-93), but almost half of his career wins (59) came during a five-year stretch…eight years ago. In his past eight seasons, Reid has averaged 8.3 wins per year (66 total).

It’s not as though he’s been stellar in the postseason (career record: 10-9). He’s certainly had talented teams, some might even say Dream Teams, even if some of his players were head cases.

So what is it about Reid that is making these teams act like they’re hiring the next Belichick? Is it his steadiness, the fact that he rarely makes waves one way or the other? Are all these teams so desperate for any kind of success that they are willing to give up their Super Bowl aspirations for a chance at consistent decency?

Yes. Yes they are.

Well then kudos, team-that-will-average-eight-wins-a-year-for-the-next-five-years. You might make the playoffs here or there, you may even win a game or two in the postseason, but you’ll never be great.

After the crap seasons you’ve had recently, I guess that’s pretty good. Or at least good enough.

Predictions made prior to the NFL Week 17 based on the results of those games

Five teams will enter week 17 fighting for two playoff spots.

In true Giants fashion, they will dismantle the Eagles, remind their fans and the rest of the NFL how good they can be, and promptly miss out on the postseason.

The Giants playoff hopes will come down to the game between the Lions and the Bears.

There’s a joke about the Wizard of Oz here, somewhere.

Roger Goodell’s nefarious plan to make us pay attention to the NFC North will come to fruition, as FOX will carry Eagles-Giants, then Bears-Lions, and finally Packers-Vikings.

I’ve got it! Roger Goodell turned down the lead role in Oz: The Great and Powerful because he felt he was being typecast.

So to recap:

The Bears will eliminate the Giants (from the playoffs) with a win over the Lions

The Vikings will eliminate the Bears (from the playoffs) and Love Smith (from his job) with a win over the Packers.

Tony Romo will eliminate the Cowboys (from the playoffs) and himself (from any notion that he is a clutch player) with three INTs in a loss to the Redskins, including the game-ender with three minutes remaining.

On the plus side, the Redskins will name Romo co-MVP, along with Alfred Morris, of their win over Dallas.

We’ve missed you, fourth-quarter Tony. Good to have you back.

RGIII will make it 3-for-3 for rookie quarterbacks winning on the final weekend of the NFL season and making the playoffs, joining Andrew Luck (Indy) and Russell Wilson (Seattle).

One of those three rookies will tie Peyton Manning’s rookie mark of 26 passing TDs. It’s not the one you think.

I’ll give you a hint. It’s Russell Wilson.

Somewhere in Seattle, Matt Flynn is thinking, “I knew I should have gone to Miami!”

The Dolphins will close out their season with a shutout loss to the Patriots.

Somewhere in Miami, Joe Philbin is thinking, “I knew I should have hidden Flynn in my trunk when I came to Miami!”

Adrian Peterson will finish thisclose to breaking Eric Dickerson’s single-season rushing record. And by thisclose, I mean nine yards. Cue a slew of jokes about “the whole nine yards.”

The Packers will finish as one of two teams that will not have a single 100-yard rusher the entire season. San Diego will be the other. Adrian Peterson by himself will finish with 10 100+-yard games.

Even Arizona, which will fire its coach and GM after a loss to the 49ers, will finish the season with two 100-yard games from LaRod Stephens-Howling, who will finish with a League-low 357 rushing yards.

The Packers’ motto: If at first you don’t succeed, pass, pass again.

The Jets and Bills seasons will result in one fired GM (Jets), one fired head coach (Bills), one fired offensive coordinator (Jets) and one new president (Bills).

Ladies and Gentlemen, your NY/NJ NFL AFC teams!

Two teams will come into week 17 in first-place in the AFC and NFC, respectively.

One will lose and drop to third-place. The other will lose and remain in first.

The NFL: Where Parity Happens.

The Falcons will become the first team to finish in first-place and be able to legitimately say, “nobody believes in us!”

Because, well, frankly, nobody believes in them.

The Bengals and Ravens will sit most of their starters in a game that Cincinnati will eventually win. In his attempt to regain “Toughest Commissioner” status from Roger Goodell (his term), aka “Worst Commissioner” (everyone else’s term), David Stern will fine both teams.

In the process of their loss to the Panthers, the Saints will raise their season total to 7,042 yards allowed, breaking the old record of 6,793 (1981 Baltimore Colts).

Sean Payton, Joe Vitt, Mickey Loomis and Tom Benson will have to sit down when they hear that an anonymous Saints player has made a comment to the press. They will breathe more easily when they find out that the anonymous Saints player was simply saying that Steve Spagnuolo should be fired.

Peyton Manning and Tom Brady will do Peyton Manning and Tom Brady things, and the entire NFL world will keep its fingers crossed for a Denver-New England AFC Championship.

If the Chargers and Raiders play a football game with zero point zero playoff implications, will anyone care?

On Sunday, Dec. 2, Brady Quinn went 19-of-23 for 201 yards with two touchdowns and no interceptions against Carolina. It was his best game in more than three years, and probably more meaningful than his 21-of-33, 304-yards, four TD performance against the Lions on Nov. 22, 2009, as Quinn’s team pulled out a victory this time around.

Quinn threw his first touchdown pass in almost three years while setting a career-high in completion percentage (82.6), but what people will remember more about the game is what Quinn did, or said, afterwards.

The senseless murder-suicide of Chiefs linebacker Jovan Belcher has affected many people, especially the families of Belcher and Kasandra Perkins and their daughter, who will grow up never knowing her parents but always knowing that her father killed her mother.

When tragedy strikes, especially in the sporting world, fans and pundits tend to come out with “puts sports in perspective” comments, which apparently upset Bob Costas enough that he came out against the second amendment on national television, at least according to Ted Nugent.

“You knew it was coming,” said Costas at halftime of the Sunday Night Football game between Dallas and Philadelphia on NBC. “In the aftermath of the nearly unfathomable events in Kansas City, that most mindless of sports clichés was heard yet again, ‘Something like this really puts it all in perspective.’ Well if so, that sort of perspective has a very short shelf life since we will inevitably hear about the perspective we have supposedly again regained the next time ugly reality intrudes upon our games. Please. Those who need tragedies to continually recalibrate their sense of proportion about sports, would seem to have little hope of ever truly achieving perspective…In the coming days, Jovan Belcher’s actions and their possible connection to football will be analyzed. Who knows? ….. If Jovan Belcher didn’t possess a gun, he and Kasandra Perkins would both be alive today.”

The Noog is wrong (about many things, but also) about what Costas meant. Costas is not anti-gun ownership, he just wants a more meaningful discussion that will help prevent tragedies like this in the future.

Quinn’s comments are a step in the right direction. The Chiefs quarterback not only put sports in perspective, but also how we interact with people. I was never a fan of Quinn (In my mind, he was always synonymous with overrated), but what he said was truly moving.

“The one thing people can hopefully try to take away, I guess, is the relationships they have with people,” Quinn said. “I know when it happened, I was sitting and, in my head, thinking what I could have done differently. When you ask someone how they are doing, do you really mean it? When you answer someone back how you are doing, are you really telling the truth?

“We live in a society of social networks, with Twitter pages and Facebook, and that’s fine, but we have contact with our work associates, our family, our friends, and it seems like half the time we are more preoccupied with our phone and other things going on instead of the actual relationships that we have right in front of us.

“Hopefully people can learn from this and try to actually help if someone is battling something deeper on the inside than what they are revealing on a day-to-day basis.”

What an amazingly open, frank and honest answer. In one post-game comment, he showed us our shortcomings and what we need to do to improve upon them.

We have become a society that really doesn’t care about the people around us, even though we like to pretend we do. How many times when someone asks you how you are doing, do you answer with “how are you doing?” I know I do it myself – I answer a question with the exact question that was just asked of me! “How are you” is now a new version of “hello,” but it sounds politer because we are asking someone how they are doing, which is our way of showing we care without actually caring.

We tend to ask people how they are doing because it’s the polite thing to do, not because we actually care about how they are doing. In fact, most of the time if their answer is anything more than the other EFF word (“fine”), we get annoyed that they are taking up our valuable time.

Which is not to say that Belcher’s teammates would have been able to tell that something was amiss if they had taken the time to really ask how he was doing. It could be that there were Chiefs who did take the time to truly get to know Belcher but his walls were strong enough to rebuff their attempts. It could be that because of the “manly” culture of the NFL, Belcher hid his true feelings so as not to seem weak. It could be that Belcher strove to leave his baggage at the door, so to speak, so that he could focus solely on the game they play.

By all accounts, the Chiefs were doing everything they could to help Belcher with his off-the-field issues, although head coach Romeo Crennel said he had no knowledge of the fact that Belcher and Perkins had attended couples counseling through the Chiefs.

But it could be that Belcher didn’t know that his teammates really cared about him, and his teammates didn’t know that he needed someone to really show him that they cared about him.

Regardless, Quinn’s words should inspire us to change how we interact with the people around us. When we ask someone how they are doing – let’s not roll our eyes when they legitimately answer us. When we ask someone how they are doing – let’s not keep looking at our cell phones to see if anyone liked our Facebook post.

You want someone to like what you do? Ask them how they are doing, and listen to their response.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Predictions will return next week when I’m not so flummoxed by Brady Bleepin’ Quinn.

When I popped on my computer this morning and opened up twitter, one of the first tweets that caught my eye was from Sports Illustrated’s Peter King, in which he mentioned that he is not a fan of some article written by a game named David Whitley.

My first thought was, “who’s David Whitley?”

After some research, I discovered that he is a columnist for AOL Fanhouse/Sporting News.

My second thought was, “AOL Fanhouse and Sporting News are still around?!”

Whitley wrote an article yesterday entitled Colin Kaepernick Ushers in an Inked-up NFL Quarterbacking Era. The article is essentially a 731-word rant against tattoos, using the new 49ers starting quarterback as its foil.

Twitter-verse exploded, as fans and other columnists made fun of Whitley and labeled him as lazy, ignorant, condescending, a “piece of [crap],” “not smart or well thought-out,” an “a-hole” and a “for-real racist” (which should not be confused with a fake racist).

I agree with all of those – except the last. David Whitley is not racist. At least, I don’t think he is. He claims he isn’t, and for proof he points out that he adopted two African-American daughters.

But here’s what people seem to be missing, and it goes back to my first and second thoughts when I read about Whitley’s article. I love sports, and I love reading about sports, and I visit many sports websites to satisfy my sports appetite. I had never heard of David Whitley before today and I was unaware that either AOL FanHouse or Sporting News were still around, let alone the same company.

I don’t know what that says about me, but I’m pretty sure I know what it says about David Whitley and AOL FanHouse/Sporting News.

So if you’re David Whitley, and not many people are aware of your existence (as of earlier today he had 301 followers on twitter), and not many people realize that AOL FanHouse/Sporting News still exist, what should you do? You need to do something that will bring you back into the public eye.

So you make up a hot-button issue. Tattoos?! On Quarterbacks!??! THE MAYANS WERE RIGHT!!!!!

This is a ridiculously stupid issue. My guess is that David Whitley doesn’t care at all who has tattoos and who doesn’t. He might not like them for himself, and bully for him, but for him to claim that he is bothered by the tats on Kaepernick’s arms is ludicrous. I call BS.

What David Whitley does care about is that people read his columns. So he does what entertainers have been doing for years – he says something outlandish that gets people talking about him and paying attention to him. It’s the Howard Stern method that has been attempted by many pundits in sports and politics. You might not believe whatever issue you bring up, but you say it with fervor and you get people talking about it, and you. The difference between Stern and Whitley is that Stern is funny and you know that many of the things he says are with tongue firmly planted in cheek.

Whitley’s column about Kaepernick was douchey, no question. Comparing Kaepernick to inmates at San Quentin simply because he has tattoos? Ridiculous. Calling the quarterback the “CEO” of the organization? I think the owners would disagree.

Whitley was trying to be funny, but he came across Whitless. Or maybe I should say Bayless. Whitley even tries to use “sigh again” as its own sentence for comedic effect (the key word is “tries”).

But Whitley is not the first sports commentator to write or say something crazy to get attention, and he won’t be the last. It’s on us to ignore it.

Which I have already failed at doing. Well, at least I don’t have a tattoo, right?

Sigh. Again.

Predictions made prior to the NFL Week 12 based on the results of those games

I’ve been away for a few weeks, did I miss anything interesting?

It looks like the Big 10 will now be 14, the Big 12 will still be 10, and the BIG EAST will be the BIG ALL OVER, except that it won’t be that big and it might not be that all over.

Yay, college football!

Good thing this never happens in the NFL. Can you imagine the outcry if the Jaguars threatened to move to London and the Panthers hinted at moving to Los Angeles?

Without further adieu, here are Predictions for Week 12…

Jim Harbaugh will complete the rare perfecta of being a part of a quarterback controversy as a player and a coach. His ego will go through the roof after his decision to start Colin Kaepernick over Alex Smith against the Saints pays off with a 49ers victory.

By the way, does anyone really believe that if Harbaugh came into his locker room to find some fan trying to pump up the team, he would use the word “heck”?

Smith will start looking at NFL rosters to determine where he will have the best change to start in 2013. “Matt Cassel and Brady Quinn in Kansas City? Sign me up!”

After the Texans score a touchdown that should not have been allowed and would not have been allowed after replay, Lions coach Jim Schwartz will get so angry that he will throw the first thing he can grab, which unfortunately will be his challenge flag, thus allowing the touchdown based on a rule that the NFL says will not be allowed after this season.

Anger management: it’s not just for Adam Sandler or the artist formerly known as Charlie Sheen.

RGIII will return home and give thanks to the Cowboys’ defense, which will allow him to throw for 311 yards, his third-highest total of the season. Thank goodness Dallas signed Brandon Carr and drafted Morris Claiborne, otherwise Griffin might have set a career-high!

After week 12, Griffin will have eight touchdown passes in his past two games, against the Eagles and Cowboys, which will account for half of his season total. He will also give thanks that the Redskins are in the NFC East.

After the Jets are demolished by the Patriots, NYJ fans will start calling for a certain former SEC quarterback who won a National Championship while in college…MC-EL-ROY! MC-EL-ROY! MC-EL-ROY!

Mark Sanchez will make an ass of himself when he attempts to show his coaches he is just as much a runner as Tim Tebow.

Carson Palmer will remind himself that there was a reason he left Cincinnati in the first place: namely, the Bengals and their fans don’t like him. Cue the Oakland Raiders’ fans nodding in agreement.

The Steelers will remind the NFL world that the bigger your quarterback, and at 6-5, 241-pounds, Big Ben is big, the harder it is to replace them when they get injured.

Charlie Batch will start for Big Ben against the Browns and go 20-34 for 199 yards and three interceptions for a passer QB rating of 38.7. The last time Big Ben had a QBR that low in the regular season* was in 2008, when he actually had two games with a QBR under 40.0 (38.5 in a loss to the Giants, 15.1 in a win over the Redskins).

So I guess it stands to reason that the Steelers’ quarterbacks will have games with dismal QBRs this season, since the NFC East is on their schedule. It’s like Halley’s Comet. Or something.

*He did, however, have a QBR of 35.5 (10-19, 133 yards, two interceptions) in a 24-19 win over the Jets in the 2010 AFC Championship game. Remember when the Jets used to go to the AFC Championship game? Yeah, me neither.

The Colts will be 7-4 and the first wild card team after a win over the Bills thanks to some lucky breaks and their rookie sensation…T.Y. Hilton.

Who did you think I was going to say?

For just the third time this season, the two Mannings will win during the same week.

The Broncos will play one of their worst games of the season and will trail twice to the Chiefs before coming back to win the game. The Chiefs will extend their no-touchdown-scoring streak to three games and three quarters.

Kansas City will get some good news as they will pick up a game on the Jaguars for the worst record in the NFL after Jacksonville foolishly defeats Tennessee. Chad Henne will pick up his first win as a starter since December 2010 and will immediately get benched for what the Jags will hope is a Mady Quissel-type player.

NFL refs will finally right the wrong that was perpetrated by the replacement refs when they gave Seattle a win over Green Bay during Week 3, helping the Dolphins to beat the Seahawks with a dubious roughing the passer call that will erase a Seattle interception. After the game, Pete Carroll will say, “the replacement refs, yeah…I miss those guys.”

Everyone will pick the Bucs to beat the Falcons. The Falcons will then come-from-behind to beat the Bucs. Everyone will poo-poo the win, saying it was just the Bucs, let’s see the Falcons do that against a good team. The Falcons will wonder what they have to do in order to win over the naysayers. Probably score more than two points in a playoff game. That might help.

The bad news: the Chargers will give up a fourth and 29 play en route to an overtime loss to the Ravens.

The good news: Freddie Mitchell will not be involved.

St. Louis will remain undefeated in divisional play with a win over the Cardinals. After starting the season 4-0, Arizona will fall to 4-7.

Rams cornerback Janoris Jenkins will outscore four NFL teams by himself with two pick-sixes against the Cardinals. His three interceptions this season have come against two different quarterbacks, so he’s well on his way to matching the feats he has accomplished off the field.

The Panthers will play the Eagles on Monday Night Football…because they had to. It was on the schedule. Not much else to say.

Aaron Rodgers will not beat the Giants. Jay Cutler will beat the Vikings. Rodgers will still come out ahead of Cutler, at least in their moustache-off.

Rodgers will make 1970s Ron Jeremy a trending topic on Twitter, always a goal of NFL players. It will make sense that Rodgers will choose to look like 1970s Ron Jeremy, as the Packers QB will spend most of the Giants game on his back.

The big news out of the NFL during week 9 will be that Jerry Jones the owner is not happy with Jerry Jones the general manager.

Which makes sense. The Cowboys had a three-year grace period after Bill Parcells left in which the team went 33-15 with players that the Tuna brought in. But in the past three years, when Jones has filled the team almost entirely with his guys, the Cowboys are 17-23, including 3-5 this season.

Owner Jerry told NBC’s Bob Costas that he would, in fact, fire himself as GM.

“Well, I think so … because he was there to dismiss,” said Jones. “I’ve always worked for myself, and you can’t do that. You basically have to straighten that guy out in the mirror when you work for yourself. But, certainly, if I’d had the discretion, I’ve done it with coaches and certainly I would have changed a general manager.”

Later, Jones seemed to admit that while he SHOULD fire himself as GM, but that he probably won”t.

“When I bought the team, the night I bought it, I said I would be doing what I’m doing and that’s GM the team and making the final decisions on personnel,” Jones told the Dallas Morning News. “That’s the way it’s always been done. We’ve won three Super Bowls doing it that way, so I’m going to do it again.”

Of course, they did win three Super Bowls, but none since 1995, when Jimmy Johnson (who basically said he picked all the players, Jones signed them, and that was why Jones started calling himself “GM”) left the team.
 
So why is GM Jerry still around?

Why hasn’t Owner Jerry done to GM Jerry what he did to notable coaches like Johnson, Parcells, et al?

There can only be one reason: GM Jerry is blackmailing Owner Jerry.

GM Jerry probably has some pictures of Owner Jerry that he would prefer not to be let out to the public. Owner Jerry probably has no idea how GM Jerry was able to get the pictures, but he knows GM Jerry has them, and for that reason and that reason alone GM Jerry has the best job security ever.

But it’s time for Owner Jerry to bite the bullet. He should come clean with whatever Jerry has on him, take his whupping and let GM Jerry go. 

It’s time for a new vision, a new voice, some new blood with the Cowboys. Stephen Jones will do quite nicely. 

And if he doesn’t work out, there’s always Jerry Jones, Jr.

Predictions made prior to the NFL Week 9 based on the results of those games

Some quick-shot predictions from Week 9 of the NFL season…

After consecutive Broncos wins in which the Giants also were victorious, New York will go back to its early season trend of losing when Denver wins.

Hollywood will be buzzing with the rumors that Eli and Peyton will do a re-make of Cheech and Chong’s The Corsican Brothers.

Rooney Mara will win and lose the bet she made with herself.

Chicago’s Defense/Special Teams will score 27 points. Chicago’s Offense will score 24 points. Tennessee’s entire team will score 20 points.

The New Orleans Saints are without their head coach for the entire season. They were without their interim head coach for six games. The started the season 0-4. But it could be worse.

They could be the Philadelphia Eagles.

Predictions made prior to the NFL Week 8 based on the results of those games

And we’re back. Now that I’ve been able to get past Taylor Swift’s break up to….sorry it’s still too soon. Let’s just move on before I have another breakdown.

The Cowboys will have the rare come-from-behind loss, and the Giants will hold on for the even rarer unable-to-hold-the-lead victory.

Tony Romo will prove to be the best quarterback the Giants could ever ask for.

The Cowboys will have three receivers with 100-yard games for the first time since 1963. After the game, Jason Pierre-Paul will say that the Giants D played great. Rasheed Wallace will scoff and say, “Stats don’t lie.”

Greg Schiano will ignore the old saying “never trust a man with two first names,” and 214 all-purpose yards later, Doug Martin will lead the Bucs to victory over the Vikings.

Entering Week 8, Cam Newton has never won a game in which he threw at least one interception. He will throw two against Chicago. After Week 8, Cam Newton will have never won a game in which he threw at least one interception.

The Indians will defeat the Padres in interleague play, 7-6. Wait, that can’t be right.

You knew it was coming eventually. I’m referring, of course, to the Chargers’ losing streak after a solid start that made people think Norv Turner had gotten over the hump of starting the season slow. After a 3-1 start, San Diego will drop their third-straight with a loss to the Browns. 

Good ‘ol Norv – you can always count on him!

The Lions will continue their season-long trend of games that end with one team holding a one-possession lead. They will also improve to 2-0 against Alfred Hitchcock this season.

The Packers will record their 28th-straight game without a 100-yard rusher, including playoffs. They will improve to 23-5 during that stretch with a win over the Jaguars.

The Jaguars…well, it really doesn’t matter if they have a 100-yard rusher or not. They’re still the Jaguars.

After Week 8, Andrew Luck and Peyton Manning will each be 4-3. No one will be wondering if the Colts made the right decision. They will simply be wondering why Jim Irsay tweets so much. He’s like a machine!

The Rams will take a 7-0 lead over the Patriots. That will make New England mad. You don’t want to see New England mad. Especially in England. 

Rob Gronkowski will do the best. touchdown dance. ever. I would say that Ochocinco should take note, except he’ll never see the field again, much less the end zone.

Not to give away the outcome of the game, but suffice to say, the calls for Tim Tebow will start getting louder after the Dolphins-Jets game. Ok, I totally gave away the outcome of the game.

The Alfred Hitchcock battle will go to the Falcons. After the game, Michael Vick will attempt to take attention away from himself and put it on…himself. No longer will the story be about Michael Vick owning a dog. The story will be about Michael Vick trying to reverse-jinx himself into remaining the starting quarterback.

The Steelers uniforms will be so ugly as to throw the Redskins all out of whack. Standing next to players in bumblebee uniforms will only make Mike Tomlin look even cooler.

In other words, Tomlin’s plan will be a win-win.

The Chiefs will actually have to make the decision to go with Brady Quinn or Matt Cassel.

The Chiefs will actually make the decision to go with Brady Quinn. After going 2-for-4 for one yard with one interception against the Raiders, Quinn will then be replaced by Cassel after being diagnosed with what the team will call “a head injury.” Romeo Crennell will be spotted getting rid of some sort of blunt object.

The 49ers will put a beatdown on the Cardinals. The 1972 Dolphins will need physical proof that Arizona was once undefeated this season.

I was going to make my Post NFL week 7 predictions. I really was. I sat down, all prepared to look into the future to tell you how last week’s NFL games were going to play out.

But then I saw the news. Something so shocking, so upsetting, that I knew I would never be able to predict the past.

Taylor Swift and Conor Kennedy broke up.

I couldn’t believe what I was reading. A 22-year-old superstar musician and a high school senior couldn’t make a relationship last past three months. If they couldn’t make it work, what hope do the rest of us have?

Swift reacted the way any 22-year-old superstar who has allegedly broken up 12 times in the past four years: she cried on national television. It was like the exact opposite of Tom Cruise jumping on a couch proclaiming his love for Scientology Katie Holmes.

But what if Swift had planned this all along? What if she realized early in her career that she wrote better songs when she was sad? What if all of her dating was her way of getting the best out of herself? If she was a guy, would we be praising her for being liked to all of these A-list people?

So many questions, so few answers. So the predictions will be off this week, while I try to wrap my brain around this horrible news. And in a few weeks, when Swift begins dating again, and then a few months later when she breaks up, these feelings will come back again. That is my lone prediction for today.

Predictions made prior to the NFL Week 6 based on the results of those games

David Akers will have a dream where he’s kicking at Giants Stadium*, where he’s 18-of-31 all-time.

When he wakes up, he will have missed two field goals in a loss to the Giants.

*I refuse to call Giants Stadium by any other name.

 The Titans’ win over the Steelers will coincide with the return of running back Chris Johnson.

Wait, Johnson’s been with the team all season?

Johnson will run for a palindrome-ish 91 yards on 19 carries and immediately after the game will proclaim himself to be the greatest running back of all time.

Prior to week 6, Atlanta is No. 1 in the NFL and Oakland is No. 2 in the NFL in penalties per game. Thankfully, the world will be right again after week 6, as the Raiders we know and love will finally show up. Oakland will commit 12 penalties for 110 yards in a loss to the Falcons.

Perhaps this will prove that the Mayans were wrong, after all.

The battle for Ohio will go to…Cleveland! The Browns will give outgoing owner Randy Lerner a going away present with a victory over Cincinnati.

Incoming owner Jimmy Haslam III will be warned not to get used to this.

The Eagles will give up a 10 point lead in an overtime loss to the Lions. After the game, Andy Reid will fire defensive coordinator Juan Castillo, because, you know, defense is the reason behind Michael Vick’s 13 turnovers.

After announcing the Castillo firing, Reid will say, “We’re six games into the season, and average isn’t good enough. I know the potential of our team and insist on maximizing it.”

Knowing average isn’t good enough, it will be a tough decision, but in the end Reid will probably fire himself, too. That will be a tough conversation.

In one game, Jets running back Shonne Greene will accumulate more rushing yards than he had in his previous four games while leading New York to a win over the Colts.

The Jets will finally roll out their Tim Tebow package, and it will result in two first downs. Not to be outdone, Mark Sanchez will throw for 82 yards. So there’s that.

Brady Quinn and the Chiefs (not a band name) will lose to the Bucs. After the game, Romeo Crennel will open up the quarterback competition to Quinn, Matt Cassel and somebody. Anybody. Bueller? Bueller?

The Baltimore Ravens will win and lose on the same day. They will beat the Cowboys, but Ray Lewis will suffer a season-ending injury.

Just when his acting career was starting up, too.

The 1972 Miami Dolphins will look at the Bills’ overtime win over the Cardinals, and say, “seriously, Arizona was undefeated before week 5? That team?”

Cardinals backup-turned-starter-turned-backup-turned-starter-now-backup quarterback John Skelton will come off the bench to replace injured backup-turned-starter-turned-backup-turned-starter Kevin Kolb, and will throw a key interception in overtime.

Arizona: Where Backups Become Starters (Become Backups).

After week 6, rookie quarterback Russell Wilson will have led the Seahawks to wins over Aaron Rodgers* and Tom Brady.

You read that right.

*Victory brought to you by the NFL and its Replacement Refs

Wilson also has a win over Tony Romo, but really, who doesn’t?

Only three players will rush for over 100 yards during week 6. One of them will be RGIII, who will out-rush the entire Vikings team in a Washington win.

Redskins running backs will combine for 45 yards on 19 carries. RGIII will gain more than three times the amount of yards on six fewer carries.

After the game, Griffin will suggest that maybe he not hand off, you know, ever.

The 1972 Miami Dolphins will toast Green Bay, which will knock Houston from the unbeaten list with a palindrome-ish 42-24 win.

Anytime you can mention palindromes twice in one piece, you have to take it. A Man, A Plan, A Canal, Panama!

Aaron Rodgers will throw for six touchdowns, tying the Packers’ all-time record. With all their history, who previously set the record? Bart Starr in the 60s? Brett Fav-ruh in the 90s?

Matt Flynn. Last year. For some reason, this makes me sad.

Down 24-0 at the end of the first half, Peyton Manning. ‘Nuff said.

It will officially be time to stop questioning Manning after his performance against the Chargers. Seriously. Stop. Even 80% Peyton Manning is better than 80% of the other NFL quarterbacks.

Broncos wide receiver Eric Decker will stumble and fall on his way to a sure touchdown in the first half. The NFL will open an investigation on Buffalo Wild Wings. The company will shrug its shoulders and say, “you had to be here.”

Predictions made prior to the NFL Week 5 based on the results of those games

The Rams will defeat the Cardinals on Thursday Night Football. After the game, the 1972 Miami Dolphins will be asked if they celebrated Arizona’s loss. The Dolphins will reply, “The Cardinals were undefeated?!”

The Fightin’ Bradys will defeat the Cardiac Mannings in what will probably be the last matchup between Tom and Peyton. After the game, Tom will tell Peyton, “I hate your younger brother,” and Peyton will say, “So do I.”

In this week’s installment of “When Sibling Rivalry Attacks,” the Giants will improve to 3-0 on days when the Denver Broncos lose. In a related story, the Broncos are 2-0 when the Giants lose. When reached for comment, Eli Manning will say, “well of course, I mean that’s why Peyton signed with Denver, so that we wouldn’t meet in the Super Bowl.” When informed that Peyton signed with Denver so that the brothers wouldn’t meet until the Super Bowl, a flustered Eli will shout “Baba Booey Baba Booey” and hang up the phone.

Dolphins cornerback Reshad Jones will clinch his team’s win over Cincinnati with an interception with 1:22 remaining. He will then do an interview with Jim Rome, who will call Jones “Rashida.”

In a related story, Jim Rome’s still got it!

In a rare real-life Hollywood ending, with their coach in the hospital battling Leukemia, the Colts will come from behind to defeat a Super Bowl favorite.

All they will need is a little bit of Luck, and a Lil Wayne. I mean, a little Wayne.

In the Chiefs’ loss to Baltimore, Jamaal Charles will become the first 100-yard rusher against the Ravens this season, and the first to do so against Baltimore in the regular season since Peyton Hillis last year.

Charles’ performance means the last two running backs to rush for 100 yards in a regular season game against the Ravens are both Chiefs.

Something to smile about, right Kansas City? Right?!? STOP BOOING ME!!

Giants, Browns: CRUUUUUUUUZZZZ

‘Nuff said.

The battle of Pennsylvania will go to Pittsburgh, with the help of the Philadelphia quarterback.

The battle of “coolest coach” between Mike Tomlin and Andy Reid will officially be labeled as “not a fair contest.”

Pop Quiz, hotshot: what will be the bigger story, the Falcons getting to 5-0 or 36-year-old Tony Gonzalez catching 13 passes for 123 yards and a touchdown?

Trick question, none of the above. RGIII! Concussion! Get out of bounds!

For the second-straight year, Carolina will begin its season 1-4.

In the fifth game of his rookie year, Seattle quarterback Russell Wilson will accomplish what it took Cam Newton 11 games to do last season: win three games.

The Bears’ Charles Tillman and Lance Briggs will combine to outscore eight teams during week 5. Luckily, one of those teams will NOT be Chicago’s offense.

After week 5, two NFC North teams will be 4-1. Raise your hand if you picked Chicago and Minnesota to be those two teams.

That’s what I thought, nobody.

In his team’s loss to the Vikings, Tennessee running back Chris Johnson will rush for 24 yards on 15 carries with a “long” run of 9 yards, which means he rushed for 14 yards on 14 carries without that “long” run.

With the over/under set at 30-yards for CJ, raise your hand if you picked the under.

That’s what I thought, everybody.

The 49ers will run up the Bills.

No joke, San Francisco will destroy Buffalo.

After week 5, the Bills will be giving up an average of 48.3 points in their three losses. They should really sign a big-name defensive player. Maybe someone to shore up the D-line.

The Saints without Sean Payton: 0-4

The Saints with Sean Payton in attendance: 1-0.

Drew Brees will not wait long to break Johnny Unitas’ record for consecutive games with a TD pass, accomplishing the feat just over eight minutes into the game. After the record-setting play, those sitting in the luxury suite with Payton will hear him mutter, “Brees would’ve broken the record in the FIRST minute if I were coach.”

With Santonio Holmes and Stephen Hill on the sidelines and out for the season, the Jets will fall to the Texans. When asked about the possibility of signing Plaxico Burress, New York general manager Mike Tannenbaum will say, “why would we want a guy who caught 8 TDs for us last year when we have Chaz Schilens?

TO will send a tweet to the Jets to let them know he’s available. It will be a two-front embarrassment to his faded career, because a) they still won’t want him, and 2) he will send a tweet to the Jets to let them know he’s available.

Actually a three-front embarrassment, because iii) no one will care.