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I am a Democrat and a bleeding heart liberal, but it doesn’t mean that I only toe the company line. There are a few things I agree with Republicans on.

For example, I also didn’t think we should have committed troops to getting rid of a crazy, maniacal dictator who suppresses his people but whose country holds oil up the yin-yang.

And yet, we still sent forces into Iraq.

I know Republicans are really worked up about raising the debt ceiling, but I really don’t care one way or the other. In my defense, at least I’m consistent. I also didn’t care when Bush raised the debt ceiling seven times.

I guess raising the debt ceiling is like telling a joke over and over again. It’s always funny the first seven times, but it loses its humor the eighth go-around.

I wonder if Republicans know that Ronald Reagan tripled the national debt, that Elder Bush doubled the national debt and that Younger Bush added four trillion to the national debt and raised the debt ceiling seven times. Good thing Republicans don’t, because otherwise those three might be voted off Conservative Island.

Michele Bachmann scares me (not just because of her politics). She has the crazy eyes. I can’t watch her on television for more than a few minutes (not just because of her politics). I feel her eyes watching me.

If I have learned anything from Barney Stinson, it’s that we always should steer clear of women with the crazy eyes.

I am fascinated by this couple in Israel who named their daughter “Like.” I don’t like it, but I’m fascinated by it. The joke I made on Facebook (where the idea to name the girl “Like” came from), is that the first thing the kid did was to unfriend her parents.

I was joking, but no one can tell me that this kid is going to be happy with the name. First off, only celebrities are allowed to get away with giving their kids ridiculous names. Sure, the kids will have horrendous names, but they’ll be rich.

Secondly, what are the parents going to say when the child asks them why they named her “Like”? Let’s go through that conversation:

Like: Mommy, where did I get my name from?
Like’s Mom: Well honey, as you know, your father and I spend 99.9 percent of our waking hours on our computers, so we knew that our children’s names would have something to do with our love for the internet. Your father wanted to name you “Waiverwire” and I originally wanted to call you either “Onlinediscount” or “Freeshipping,” but in the end we decided that since we both love going on this website called Facebook, your name should have something to do with that. Facebook has a feature called the “Like” button, and that’s where your name came from.
Like: But why can’t I have a normal name, like all my other friends?
Like’s Mom: Well honey because you are special. Your brother Retweet doesn’t have a problem with his name.

It’s one thing to name your child “Like,” which is what will be, like, coming out of her mouth like every other word, but it’s quite another thing to name your child “Like” because of a feature on Facebook. Really? Facebook? I hope and pray that when your child does ask you where she got her name, that you lie and tell her it’s because you like everyone and you knew everyone would like her. Otherwise, she will very likely be supporting some therapist’s family when she’s older.

I don’t think anyone would like that. Except, of course, the therapist.

People think it’s weird that the Libyan leader has multiple spellings of his name, but I say it’s genius. When he gets captured, he’ll say “you’ve got the wrong guy! you’re looking for Gadhafi – I’m Gaddafi. That other guy is a real douche.” Then if he gets caught again, he’ll say “I’m not Gadhafi, I’m Khaddafi! Who told you to look for Gadhafi? Oh man, that Gaddafi is such a prankster. You’re actually looking for Qaddafi.” Then cut to an American solidier eating a candy bar, and the voiceover says “not overthrowing a dictator for a while? Eat a Snickers!”

You can’t tell me that it’s not all about the Gators. Even the NCAA Selection Committee thinks the Gators are what America is watching. Thanks to the Gators’ win tonight, they now face either UCLA or Michigan State on Saturday. UF beat UCLA twice en route to consecutive nat’l champs, in the finals in 2005-06 and in the Final Four in 2006-07. Florida lost to MSU in Billy D’s first Finals appearance but won last year when the Spartans were ranked No. 2 in the nation.

If they happen to win their next game, the Gators could face BYU and Jimmer Fredette. Last year, BYU took down Florida in double overtime in the first round of the NCAA Tournament. Should they prove victorious in that contest, Florida could face Kansas State, which fell to the Gators earlier this season when KSU was ranked No. 6 in the country.

I know the NCAA Selection Committee likes to make pairings that create story lines, but all of that seems a bit much, unless it is as I claim, that it’s all about the Gators!

Okay people. I know we have discussed this before, but apparently some of you weren’t listening. Because I still see you making the same mistakes you made before, and there is no reason for that. We have been over this and over this, and I expect better from all of you.

I am speaking, of course, of public bathroom etiquette. Many people have written about the unwritten rules of public restrooms, which means that the rules are no longer unwritten, which means the must be followed!

Rule 1: Wash your hands, especially if you use the stall. I’m fairly certain that was never an unwritten rule. In fact, it shouldn’t even have to be a rule. A) it’s courteous and 2) it’s just common-freaking-sense. This goes further than thinking your S doesn’t stink – not washing your hands means you think your S isn’t even S. If you are going No. 1, you should wash your hands as well, but if you don’t, we will not look at you with the same level of disgust as when you don’t wash your hands after using the stall.

Rule 2: If you are going No. 1 while in a stall, and you happen to have a little splatter, clean it up. Again, shouldn’t even be a rule. A) it’s courteous and 2) it’s common-freaking-sense.

Rule 3: Flush. Fairly simple concept. Also shouldn’t even be a rule, because A) it’s courteous and 2) it’s common-freaking-sense.

Rule 4: If possible, when using a urinal make sure you give yourself at least one urinal between you and anyone else using a urinal. If not possible, make sure you keep eyes either on the wall or looking into the urinal.

Rule 4(a): Rule 2 also applies when using a stall. Whenever possible, make sure one empty stall is between you and another stall-user. This applies to both men and women.

NOTE: My wife, who is a woman, assures me that this rule is more often than not followed by her sex.

Rule 5: There is never a reason to be on your cell phone while using urinal or stall. In fact, cell phones should never be used while at the urinal. The only time a cell phone can be used in a public restroom is if you are in a stall, and that is only for playing video games and/or using the internet.

You would think the use of a cell phone in a public restroom would never happen, but sadly, it does. Quite often, as it turns out. What possible conversation is so important that you can’t tell the other person that you need to take a break? Do you tell the other person what you are doing? Why even take or make a phone call if you know that you have to use the bathroom shortly?

Rule 6: Use your hands to guide the stream while using a urinal. You might think that you can go “look ma, no hands” style, but I assure you, your aim isn’t as good as you think it is.

Rule 7: Talking incessantly to other people in the restroom while using urinal or in stall is frowned upon. If you decide to disregard this rule, understand that the other person is allowed to answer in grunts and/or one-word sentences.

Rule 8: Make sure the paper towels you use to dry yourself are placed in the trash can. Not on the floor, not in the sink, not on the counter top – in the trash can. If you want to pretend your Michael Jordan and go with the fade-away shot, be prepared to meekly go and pick up the paper when it lands on the floor. I’m pretty sure your mother wouldn’t even pick that up for you, and the cleaning staff is not your mother.

The other day, while in a fairly large public restroom, a man decided to use the urinal right next to me despite the fact that there were many open urinals all over the room, including on the opposite side of the wall. Then he proceeded to place his elbows on the top of the dividers to either side of his urinal, including the one inbetween the urinal where I was and his.

Rule 9: Break two rules at one time, you lose your public restroom privileges for a week.

A few days later, I walk into a public restroom and I hear someone talking. At first I think I am hearing something from outside, but then I realize that someone is in the stall, talking on his cell phone. As I am finishing my business at the urinal, the man comes out of the stall (still on the phone), and walks right out of the restroom. Doesn’t flush, doesn’t wash his hands and was talking on his phone.

Rule 10: Break three or more rules at one time, banned from public restrooms for the rest of your life, with the exception of port-a-potties, because they are disgusting already no matter what you do to (or in) them.

In honor of the Oscars, here is a joke I came up with. All by myself. No writers or anything. Just me.

A comedian tweeted: “Difference btween men+woman during sex? Men=going to a party. Women=having a party at their house and worried about spills.”

Amusing, right? But wait, that wasn’t the joke. Here’s what I sent him (the actual aforementioned joke):

Difference between men and women during sex? Men are happy just to be nominated. Women want the award.

Boom! Funny, clever, true and topical! Four-tool joke! The comedian who originally tweeted did not respond. Screw all of his followers who sent him not-as-funny jokes, because they caused him to miss the best one – mine!

Back to the Oscars! It’s a big deal. Huge event. Not just for celebrities attending and the nominees, but also for those of us watching at home. Much more fun for the latter group, because we can make fun of everyone and everything that happens during the show!

I unfortunately missed half of the Oscars beause of work. But I give you a timeline of what I did from the time I left work until the end of the broadcast.

7:30pm: leave event. Not thrilled that I am going to have driven four hours to work for three. Especially since I’m missing the opening of the Oscars. Not that I am expecting a lot from Hathaway/Franco, but it could be a win-win for us viewers. Either it’s a train wreck and fun to talk about, or it’s funny and fun to talk about. Stupid work.

8:02: pass a cop car on side of the road. Speedometer says I’m going 76 (in a 65), GPS says I’m going 73. I decide to stick with GPS. Trying to figure out what I would say to cop if I get pulled over. “You see officer, ever since Watson dominated Jeopardy, I figure computers are taking over so I may as well listen to my GPS.”

8:07: call parents, they are hosting an Oscar party. Mom is dumbfounded that the male A-list stars are all short. Her friend informs her proudly that George Clooney really is 6-2! I’m sure his mother is very proud. Well, at least someone’s mother is proud.

8:24: pass another cop, this time don’t even pretend to slow, as I have my “GPS told me I was going 73” arguement ready to go. slow down one minute later when I remember that a GPS sent Michael Scott and Dwight Shrute into a lake, and also my argument is ridiculous.

8:30: Oscars start. I am still at least an hour away. Now listening to Geektime. Not really sure why.

9:30: make it home in one piece. Hungry, so going to eat leftover fajitas. But my wife tells me James Franco is in a dress. Gotta check that out. That was mildly amusing – saw the Charlie Sheen joke coming a mile away. Still, it made me chuckle. That dude is insane. I hear Gaddafi thinks Sheen is a genius and is now suing Libya for 320 million. Maybe we could get Gaddafi to take over for Sheen on Two and a Half Men.

9:40: no surprise, Christian Bale wins Best Supporting Actor. Didn’t see The Fighter, my wife went to see it with her folks without me, then proceeded to tell me over and over again how good it was. Bale gives a website a free plug, hears a few boos in the audience. So it’s ok to promote the maker of whatever dress/tux you’re wearing, but you can’t give out a website? Seems a little double-standardy.

10:00: doing stuff for work, watching Oscars and listening to my wife at the same time. Who says men can’t multitask? Wait, what did my wife just say? Backtracking in my head to figure it out. Crap, what were we just talking about? Hathaway just made a joke about her screw ups being a drinking game – wife is distracted by that. Saved!

10:30: don’t understand how Christopher Nolan wasn’t nominated for Best Director. I haven’t seen Inception, but I’ve heard it’s amazing, and it received Best Picture nomination. I would say the Oscars hates British people, but The King’s Speech won damn near everything.

11:00: really like how the Oscars did the “those who are gone” segment. Instead of having those embarrassing moments where the former make-up artist whom no one has ever heard of gets very little in the way of applause while well-known actors who passed away are cheered, they have Celine Dion singing to ensure that no one claps until the whole montage is over. Genius move on the Academy’s part, and long overdue.

11:30: Natalie Portman looks amazing. Wow. I thought she was great in Beautiful Girls, and she has only gotten better. Probably not going to see Black Swan – seems a little dark for my tastes. I don’t get to see many movies, so when I do, I certainly don’t want to be depressed. That would be a giant waste of the 100 dollars it costs per movie viewing. But back to Portman, if you just look at her face, she doesn’t even look pregnant. Which makes me think that perhaps she is not as unhealthily skinny as some other Hollywood stars are.

Midnight: Oscars finally end. I think the Oscars is the Left Coast’s revenge on the East Coast for every sporting event being based on East Coast time. For us, it’s midnight. For them, it’s 9:00 p.m. That’s not fair. I don’t care that the first slate of NFL games starts at 10:00 a.m. on a Sunday in California. King’s Speech was the only movie I saw of the nominees, and it was amazing. Would have been cool if Inception won though. Might have been enough to convince my wife to see it with me.

Recap: Oscars are fun to watch, but exhausting because it ends so late. My wife feels that the day after the Super Bowl should be a national holiday, and I agree, but I think it should be the same for the Oscars. I’m pretty sure that’s what all those people in Wisconsin are protesting.

Gadhafi blames Bin Laden for the revolution in Libya. I’ll be honest, I never figured that when he kept talking about “foreign intelligence services,” he was actually referring to al Qaeda. Does he think that somehow America will be on his side now? Like we’re going go with the “enemy of my enemy is my friend” philosophy?
Ahmadinejad says Egyptians and Libyans are right to throw off their oppressors. He apparently doesn’t feel the same way for Iranians. Does he think that we don’t know he’s oppressing is own people? Maybe he thinks we listen to what he says but don’t know anything about what he does. I wonder if he’s even heard of the internet.

I think the problem with both these guys are their yes-men. Although I’m not quite sure what other answer Gadhafi or Ahmadinejad would accept that would allow the yes-men to remain alive.

With all the craziness going on this week, unrest in the Midwest, lack of peace in the Middle East, NBA trades up the yin-yang, it’s easy to confuse stories. For example, Libya just sent Gadhafi, a 2011 protected first round pick and 1 mil in cash to Iran for Ahmadinejad and the Tea Party traded Palin, Bachmann, Glenn Beck, two first-rounders and cash to the Republicans for Huckabee.

Wait, what are we talking about again?

For non-celebrities, such as myself, if someone follows us on twitter, are we required to follow them back? If it’s not required, is it considered poor form not to follow them? If you do not follow someone who follows you, how long do they need follow you before dropping you because you were the jerk who didn’t follow them back?

So far I have had three celebrities, well one celebrity and two Sports Illustrated writers, but for the purposes of this blog I will refer to them as celebrities, respond to my tweets. So I got that going for me. Which is nice. One thing I notice about twitter, celebrities are just as funny as the rest of us, in that more often than not they aren’t really funny.

Which is kind of funny.

According to dictionary.com, one of the definitions of Factoid is: “something fictitious or unsubstantiated that is presented as fact, devised especially to gain publicity and accepted because of constant repetition.”

What that means is that the word Factoid is itself a Factoid.

Which is also funny.

I should be a celebrity – I think I have just a high a percentage of funny to unfunny posts as anyone famous.

After watching part of LeBron’s “Decision,” I thought to myself, “man that is just about the douchiest thing that any player could do. He just broke up with his girlfriend of seven years, Cleveland, on national television. Nothing could ever top this monstrosity of douchiness.”

Famous last words on my part, because we have a new Douche Challenger: Carmelo Anthony!!

Carmelo’s wife, LaLa Vasquez, the former MTV veejay, allegedly wanted to move to LA or New York so that she could further her career. So Carmelo asked for a trade. I didn’t agree with his request at the time – he was on a good team that just two years prior was in the Western Conference Finals. I can’t think of any other reason why Carmelo would want to leave the Nuggets, so I’m going to go on the assumption that it was because of his wife. Which I think is ridiculous. I would never make a career move like that because of LaLa Vasquez. Mostly because my wife won’t let me.

But Carmelo only wanted to go to only to teams in LA or New York. Which began a nine-month ordeal where Carmelo went through the motions during games, the team was in limbo, other players were involved in trade talk, until finally he got his wish and was sent to the Knicks.

So let’s go to the tape.

LeBron’s “Decision” was an awful stab in the back to Cleveland, a city that has faced its fair share of suffering. There is a certain art to leaving a team, and he basically decided to go modern and throw feces on canvas. Douchy? Undoubtedly.

Carmelo told the team to trade him but then tied their hands in terms of where they could trade him. Obviously they wanted to get fair market value for him, but there were only four teams in the markets Carmelo wanted to go to, and really only one team that he actually wanted to play for. He eventually got his wish after dragging Denver around, even at one point saying that he might sign an extension with the Nuggets. This ranks very high on the Douche meter.

The Douchey Winner? I’m going to have to go with…Carmelo! LeBron’s “Decision,” as douchey as it was, lasted one hour. Carmelo’s jaunt down “trade-me alley” took nine months. Congratulations to the new Douche in town!

Now some may think that my vitriol towards LeBron/Carmelo has to do with their leaving their original team. Not so. I have no problem with either one of them going to a new team, for whatever reasons. My issue is that they aren’t being honest with us.

Carmelo, every true man understands completely that when your wife wants something, you do your best to get it for her. Why not come out and say “listen, my wife wants to have an acting career, and to do that we need to be in either LA or New York.” Sure, we’ll all mock you derisively for doing whatever your wife tells you to, but that’s only because it makes us feel better about our own lots in life – look at the big and powerful NBA star, doing what his wife tells him to do, just like I do what my wife tells me to do!

LeBron, everyone who has ever played a pickup game or has friends certainly understands why you would want to play with your good buddies Wade and Bosh. And certainly no one is disputing that Miami is more fun than Cleveland. So why not come out and say “hey, I’ve wanted to play with Wade and Bosh since the Olympics, we are all in the prime of our careers, I think we can compete for championships and have fun while doing it.” Sure Cleveland will be angry with you, but you wouldn’t have faced the backlash that you received from the rest of the NBA-loving world.

I guess what I’m saying is, just be honest with us. Tell us the real reason you’re leaving. Don’t jerk us around, tell us one thing and then the opposite thing the next day. We’re not stupid, we’re fans. Sports is a microcosm of life, and we see ourselves in some of the things athletes do. There’s nothing wrong with being a regular guy and giving in to your wife’s wishes. We all get wanting to play with your buddies in Miami. Just be straight with us.

Then perhaps I’ll take you both out of the running for Douche Champion.

That is, until you demand your next trade.

Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter have all taken shots at Michelle Obama lately. For breast feeding and food. Which makes me wonder which one of the four has a breast complex and which ones have an eating complex. You would think it would be easy to figure that out, but the answers may surprise you. And me. Actually I don’t think I want to figure it out.

Michelle Obama has an initiative to try and get Americans to eat better. A noble cause, by anyone’s estimation. But conservatives and right-wing pundits have decided that what Mrs. Obama is really trying to do is take over the country. She wants to tell everyone how to live their lives, how to raise their kids, she is going to make laws that dictate what we eat and how much we eat and who is she to tell us how to live our lives anyway.

That monster, how dare she.

The only problem is, that’s not Michelle Obama’s goal at all. Her goal is merely to get us to eat better, exercise more, get healthier. We get healthier, we cut down on hospital visits, we cut down on medical bills, we all save money.

But conservatives don’t want us to believe that. They want us to believe that the president and his wife are trying to take over America. They like to deal in fear, giving the most ignorant among us their thoughts and opinions as though they were actual facts. They want people to believe that Michelle Obama is trying to tell them how to live their lives. All she wants is for people to lead healthy, happy lives.

Rush Limbaugh recently made it a point of saying that Mrs. Obama is not practicing what she preaches because she had ribs for dinner once. The fact that Limbaugh, who I think it is safe to say is four times the size of Mrs. Obama, is criticizing her eating habits is funny by itself. It shows that he really has no idea how to diet (if you couldn’t tell that already by looking at him). Michelle Obama does not want people to cut out of their diet foods that aren’t good for them. She has even said that ice cream is delicious and she doesn’t want to give it up. All she is saying is that instead of seven straight days of McDonalds, break it up with a salad. She is saying let’s teach our kids now how to maintain healthy, balanced diets. Enjoy the occasional ice cream, but don’t make it a daily habit. Go to McDonald’s or Burger King every once in a while, but make sure it’s not an every day occurrence.

And to the Palins, Bachmanns, Coulters: what do you have against eating healthy? Note: Limbaugh was left out of that question for obvious reasons. Other than him, the other three are fairly thin. Are they all mad that they didn’t have this idea first? Whatever the case, I really hope that people see these ridiculous comments for what they really are – ridiculous comments with no foundation in fact.

Chew on that, America.

The other day for no reason at all I was thinking about the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. I remembered how Goldilocks thought one porridge was too hot, the other too cold, two of the chairs were too big, one bed was too hard and one bed was too soft. Then it occurred to me that Goldilocks was a real pain in the ass.

Can you imagine dating Goldilocks? Nothing you do would ever be good enough. Your Valentine’s Day plans would either be not romantic enough or way too sappy. You would either not make decisions enough or you would always get your own way. You don’t listen to her or you never talk to her.

That sounds suspiciously like most women. I guess we’re all dating Goldilocks. I wonder which bear I am.

Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann seem to love criticizing Michelle Obama no matter what she says or does. Their big issue seems to be that they don’t want their government to tell people how to live their lives. I guess if either one of them gets elected to the White House (God forbid), they will be the substitute teachers of presidents. They won’t teach us anything, they won’t tell us to do anything, they’ll just sit in the front of the class and make sure no one gets hurt.

Except that I’m pretty sure if either one of them gets elected to the White House (God forbid), they will go out of their way to tell us how to live our lives, which coincidentally will be the way they live their lives.

The other day at work I was going to the bathroom into the urinal. I finished up and walked to the sink to wash my hands. One of my co-workers immediately called me out for not flushing the urinal. Instead of just owning up to it, I started to go into some spiel about how the handle of a toilet is the germiest thing in a bathroom. Which was something someone had told me in high school. Except that what they had told me was that the handles of toilets in public restrooms were the cleanest part of the bathroom.

Note: according to the story I found online, the bathroom door handles and the toilet seat are the cleanest parts of the bathroom. So there you go.

Anyways, I started to make something up about how I always wash my hands after using the urinal but before flushing. Which meant I had to wash my hands and then flush. Which meant I would then have to wash my hands again. In the only smart move of the whole situation, I grabbed a paper towel and used that to flush the urinal. I could have saved five minutes of my life by simply saying, “you’re right, I totally forgot to flush, that was dumb of me,” but instead I went the scenic route, which, as always, takes a lot longer and is never scenic.