Category: Uncategorized

Predictions made prior to the NFL Week 6 based on the results of those games

David Akers will have a dream where he’s kicking at Giants Stadium*, where he’s 18-of-31 all-time.

When he wakes up, he will have missed two field goals in a loss to the Giants.

*I refuse to call Giants Stadium by any other name.

 The Titans’ win over the Steelers will coincide with the return of running back Chris Johnson.

Wait, Johnson’s been with the team all season?

Johnson will run for a palindrome-ish 91 yards on 19 carries and immediately after the game will proclaim himself to be the greatest running back of all time.

Prior to week 6, Atlanta is No. 1 in the NFL and Oakland is No. 2 in the NFL in penalties per game. Thankfully, the world will be right again after week 6, as the Raiders we know and love will finally show up. Oakland will commit 12 penalties for 110 yards in a loss to the Falcons.

Perhaps this will prove that the Mayans were wrong, after all.

The battle for Ohio will go to…Cleveland! The Browns will give outgoing owner Randy Lerner a going away present with a victory over Cincinnati.

Incoming owner Jimmy Haslam III will be warned not to get used to this.

The Eagles will give up a 10 point lead in an overtime loss to the Lions. After the game, Andy Reid will fire defensive coordinator Juan Castillo, because, you know, defense is the reason behind Michael Vick’s 13 turnovers.

After announcing the Castillo firing, Reid will say, “We’re six games into the season, and average isn’t good enough. I know the potential of our team and insist on maximizing it.”

Knowing average isn’t good enough, it will be a tough decision, but in the end Reid will probably fire himself, too. That will be a tough conversation.

In one game, Jets running back Shonne Greene will accumulate more rushing yards than he had in his previous four games while leading New York to a win over the Colts.

The Jets will finally roll out their Tim Tebow package, and it will result in two first downs. Not to be outdone, Mark Sanchez will throw for 82 yards. So there’s that.

Brady Quinn and the Chiefs (not a band name) will lose to the Bucs. After the game, Romeo Crennel will open up the quarterback competition to Quinn, Matt Cassel and somebody. Anybody. Bueller? Bueller?

The Baltimore Ravens will win and lose on the same day. They will beat the Cowboys, but Ray Lewis will suffer a season-ending injury.

Just when his acting career was starting up, too.

The 1972 Miami Dolphins will look at the Bills’ overtime win over the Cardinals, and say, “seriously, Arizona was undefeated before week 5? That team?”

Cardinals backup-turned-starter-turned-backup-turned-starter-now-backup quarterback John Skelton will come off the bench to replace injured backup-turned-starter-turned-backup-turned-starter Kevin Kolb, and will throw a key interception in overtime.

Arizona: Where Backups Become Starters (Become Backups).

After week 6, rookie quarterback Russell Wilson will have led the Seahawks to wins over Aaron Rodgers* and Tom Brady.

You read that right.

*Victory brought to you by the NFL and its Replacement Refs

Wilson also has a win over Tony Romo, but really, who doesn’t?

Only three players will rush for over 100 yards during week 6. One of them will be RGIII, who will out-rush the entire Vikings team in a Washington win.

Redskins running backs will combine for 45 yards on 19 carries. RGIII will gain more than three times the amount of yards on six fewer carries.

After the game, Griffin will suggest that maybe he not hand off, you know, ever.

The 1972 Miami Dolphins will toast Green Bay, which will knock Houston from the unbeaten list with a palindrome-ish 42-24 win.

Anytime you can mention palindromes twice in one piece, you have to take it. A Man, A Plan, A Canal, Panama!

Aaron Rodgers will throw for six touchdowns, tying the Packers’ all-time record. With all their history, who previously set the record? Bart Starr in the 60s? Brett Fav-ruh in the 90s?

Matt Flynn. Last year. For some reason, this makes me sad.

Down 24-0 at the end of the first half, Peyton Manning. ‘Nuff said.

It will officially be time to stop questioning Manning after his performance against the Chargers. Seriously. Stop. Even 80% Peyton Manning is better than 80% of the other NFL quarterbacks.

Broncos wide receiver Eric Decker will stumble and fall on his way to a sure touchdown in the first half. The NFL will open an investigation on Buffalo Wild Wings. The company will shrug its shoulders and say, “you had to be here.”

Predictions made prior to the NFL Week 5 based on the results of those games

The Rams will defeat the Cardinals on Thursday Night Football. After the game, the 1972 Miami Dolphins will be asked if they celebrated Arizona’s loss. The Dolphins will reply, “The Cardinals were undefeated?!”

The Fightin’ Bradys will defeat the Cardiac Mannings in what will probably be the last matchup between Tom and Peyton. After the game, Tom will tell Peyton, “I hate your younger brother,” and Peyton will say, “So do I.”

In this week’s installment of “When Sibling Rivalry Attacks,” the Giants will improve to 3-0 on days when the Denver Broncos lose. In a related story, the Broncos are 2-0 when the Giants lose. When reached for comment, Eli Manning will say, “well of course, I mean that’s why Peyton signed with Denver, so that we wouldn’t meet in the Super Bowl.” When informed that Peyton signed with Denver so that the brothers wouldn’t meet until the Super Bowl, a flustered Eli will shout “Baba Booey Baba Booey” and hang up the phone.

Dolphins cornerback Reshad Jones will clinch his team’s win over Cincinnati with an interception with 1:22 remaining. He will then do an interview with Jim Rome, who will call Jones “Rashida.”

In a related story, Jim Rome’s still got it!

In a rare real-life Hollywood ending, with their coach in the hospital battling Leukemia, the Colts will come from behind to defeat a Super Bowl favorite.

All they will need is a little bit of Luck, and a Lil Wayne. I mean, a little Wayne.

In the Chiefs’ loss to Baltimore, Jamaal Charles will become the first 100-yard rusher against the Ravens this season, and the first to do so against Baltimore in the regular season since Peyton Hillis last year.

Charles’ performance means the last two running backs to rush for 100 yards in a regular season game against the Ravens are both Chiefs.

Something to smile about, right Kansas City? Right?!? STOP BOOING ME!!

Giants, Browns: CRUUUUUUUUZZZZ

‘Nuff said.

The battle of Pennsylvania will go to Pittsburgh, with the help of the Philadelphia quarterback.

The battle of “coolest coach” between Mike Tomlin and Andy Reid will officially be labeled as “not a fair contest.”

Pop Quiz, hotshot: what will be the bigger story, the Falcons getting to 5-0 or 36-year-old Tony Gonzalez catching 13 passes for 123 yards and a touchdown?

Trick question, none of the above. RGIII! Concussion! Get out of bounds!

For the second-straight year, Carolina will begin its season 1-4.

In the fifth game of his rookie year, Seattle quarterback Russell Wilson will accomplish what it took Cam Newton 11 games to do last season: win three games.

The Bears’ Charles Tillman and Lance Briggs will combine to outscore eight teams during week 5. Luckily, one of those teams will NOT be Chicago’s offense.

After week 5, two NFC North teams will be 4-1. Raise your hand if you picked Chicago and Minnesota to be those two teams.

That’s what I thought, nobody.

In his team’s loss to the Vikings, Tennessee running back Chris Johnson will rush for 24 yards on 15 carries with a “long” run of 9 yards, which means he rushed for 14 yards on 14 carries without that “long” run.

With the over/under set at 30-yards for CJ, raise your hand if you picked the under.

That’s what I thought, everybody.

The 49ers will run up the Bills.

No joke, San Francisco will destroy Buffalo.

After week 5, the Bills will be giving up an average of 48.3 points in their three losses. They should really sign a big-name defensive player. Maybe someone to shore up the D-line.

The Saints without Sean Payton: 0-4

The Saints with Sean Payton in attendance: 1-0.

Drew Brees will not wait long to break Johnny Unitas’ record for consecutive games with a TD pass, accomplishing the feat just over eight minutes into the game. After the record-setting play, those sitting in the luxury suite with Payton will hear him mutter, “Brees would’ve broken the record in the FIRST minute if I were coach.”

With Santonio Holmes and Stephen Hill on the sidelines and out for the season, the Jets will fall to the Texans. When asked about the possibility of signing Plaxico Burress, New York general manager Mike Tannenbaum will say, “why would we want a guy who caught 8 TDs for us last year when we have Chaz Schilens?

TO will send a tweet to the Jets to let them know he’s available. It will be a two-front embarrassment to his faded career, because a) they still won’t want him, and 2) he will send a tweet to the Jets to let them know he’s available.

Actually a three-front embarrassment, because iii) no one will care.

Predictions made prior to the NFL Week 4 based on the results of those games

For the first time in the history of ever, referees will be given a standing ovation.

The referees won’t make an extraordinarily good call to cause this celebration.

They will simply show up.

The end of the first game back will be very similar to the end of the game that brought the officials back in the first place, in that a hail mary will sail towards the end zone with the game on the line.

Actually, two hail marys will sail towards the end zone with the game on the line, and they will sail right on by the end zone out of bounds. Ladies and gentlemen, your Cleveland Browns!

Brandon Weeden will throw for 320 yards against the Ravens, the third-straight game the Baltimore defense will have allowed the opposing quarterback to pass for more than 300 yards.

Baltimore gave up three 300-yard passing games all of last season. 

Somewhere, Colt McCoy is saying, “yeah, I probably couldn’t have done that.”

The Ravens will still win, proving once again that God hates Cleveland.

Somewhere in Los Angeles, 2,400 miles from Cleveland, Drew Carey is nodding sadly.

Leading by one, in a fourth-and-one situation at the Falcons’ 45 with just over a minute remaining, the Panthers will put its faith in a defense that will have already given up a 49-yard TD pass and a 60-yard TD pass, rather than a quarterback who will have 96 yards on eight carries already in the game (9.6 yards per carry).

The Panthers will do everything by the book: punt and down the ball at the one-yard line with 1:09 remaining.

They will still lose.

Investigation is ongoing whether God hates all locations that start with the letter “C.”

The Patriots will score more points in the fourth quarter than the Bills will during the entire game.

But on the bright side for Buffalo, 100 million-dollar man Mario Williams will have a tackle for loss. So there’s that.

After the game, an embarrassing photo of Brandon Lloyd will make the rounds across the internet.

He will be caught smiling as he scores a touchdown, and everyone knows how Bill Belichick feels about smiling. Sadly, Brandon Lloyd will never be heard from again.

After week four, two NFC North teams will be 3-1, while the other two will be 2-2 and 1-3, respectively.

This will not be a surprise.

The two 3-1 teams will be Minnesota and Chicago, with Green Bay at 2-2* and Detroit at 1-3.

WHAAAATTT?!?!?!?!

*-Shouldbe3-1butreplacementrefsignoredanoffensivepassinterferenceandgreenbaydidnotknocktheball downeventhoughtheyshouldhavebecausethat’swhatyouaretrainedtodoinhailmarysituations.

The New Orleans-Green Bay game will be decided by three kicks in the space of one play. Saints kicker Garret Hartly will make a 43-yarder, line up for a 53-yarder and miss a 48-yarder, all in one play.

After week 4, New Orleans will be 0-4 and Arizona will be 4-0.

So it looks like the Mayans will be correct. That stinks.

The Chargers will be a very un-Norm-al 3-1 after the first four games of the season.

Peyton Manning will do a great Peyton Manning impersonation while leading the Broncos to a dominant win over the Raiders.

In 2010, Oakland was last in the NFL in penalties per game (9.2). The team finished 8-8.

In 2011, Oakland was last in the NFL in penalties per game (10.2). The team finished 8-8.

After week 4 in 2012, Oakland will be second in the NFL in penalties per game (4.8). The team will be 1-3.

Somewhere, Al Davis is spitting in the face of “discipline.”

The Rams will defeat the Seahawks. Karma, Seattle. Seattle, Karma.

Seahawks receiver Golden Tate will finish with one catch for seven yards.

It will be much harder for him to get open when he is unable to shove defenders out of the way.

Somewhere, all Green Bay fans just said that same exact thing.

San Francisco will go all JJ Abrams-Revolution on the Jets, sending them into a tailspin into what will inevitably be an explosion.

Can’t wait!

Somehow, miraculously, NYJ will be 2-2 after its loss to the 49ers.

Somehow Tim Tebow is to blame/praise.

The Giants will do everything they can to give Lawrence Tynes an opportunity to fail.

And fail he shall. Twice. Two times the heartbreak!

The Texans will defeat the Titans to quietly improve to 4-0.

On the bright spot for Tennessee, Chris Johnson will have more rushing yards against Houston (141) than in his previous four games combined (113).

The Bengals will win their third straight, defeating Jacksonville.

Cincinnati’s three wins were against teams with a combined three wins. Cincinnati’s one loss was against a team with three wins. Ladies and gentlemen, your Cincinnati Bengals!

The Cowboys will fall to da Bears on MNF, dropping to 14-12 at Jerry World since it opened in 2009.

Take away Dallas’ 6-2 record in Jerry World’s inaugural season, and the team will be 8-10 at home over the past three seasons after week 4.

Jerry can take solace that it’s not the stadium, it’s the team. They don’t think much of the stadium.

Tampa Bay will find itself trailing Washington, 21-3, before storming back to take a 22-21 lead, before forgetting to play defense for the final 1:42 of the game, before losing said game by two.

Since their head coach’s decision to bust up the line on the final play against the Giants, the Bucs are 0-2, with both losses coming to NFC East teams.

Karma, Greg Schiano. Greg Schiano, Karma.

Predictions made prior to the NFL Week 3 based on the results of those games

Week 3 will be one of the more exciting NFL weekends in recent history!

First, the Saints will, umm, something with the Chiefs…

Then how about the 49ers, who will, with the Vikings…

And then there will be the Music City Miracle, but doesn’t make sense, because that happened during the 1999 playoffs…

Somehow the Cardinals, Falcons and Texans will all be in the same category after week 3…

Predictions are not coming easy this week. Something fishy is in the air.

Not fishy. Fishal. Ficial. Officials!

Week 3 will be one of the more exciting NFL weekends in recent history, and yet all anyone will be talking about will be the replacement officials.

It won’t be good talk, like:

“Did you see how far that guy threw his flag? What an arm!”

“How about the decision making by the referee! That guy has football-smarts.”

“The way the line judge followed the play down the field – what a tremendous athlete!”

No the talk will be more like what will be heard reverberating throughout M&T Stadium in Baltimore on Sunday night – something Al Michaels will refer to as “manure.”

Officials are at their best when they are neither seen nor heard. Unfortunately for the NFL, the replacement officials will be seen, heard, and then seen and heard again and again as highlights on SportsCenter will not be of the players making plays, but players reacting to officials calling those plays.

To be fair, ESPN has been showing highlights (or lowlights) of the officials since week 1, because even calling the plays correctly was a reason to be amazed.

The NFL had to know that the replacement officials would be more scrutinized than the actual officials ever were, or will be. Heck, during another time of year, the NFL would want that to be the case!

The NFL prides itself in being a year-round talking point, always having something coming up on the calendar. But with this situation, the NFL blew a prime opportunity. All it had to do was have the replacement officials work the preseason games and then bring in the regular officials right before week one. That way, everyone would be interested in the preseason, talking about the preseason, arguing about the preseason, but no real games would be affected.

Now real games have been and will continue to be affected and it almost might be a better idea to keep the replacement officials in for the whole season – maybe that way, every team will get screwed equally.

Strangely enough, the owners, including the ones whose teams are affected by poor officiating, will remain quiet on the whole “let’s-get-the-real-officials-back” front. So Roger Goodell, who works for the owners, will be the whipping boy for everyone with a pen (or a blog), while the owners will go unmentioned.

What should also be mentioned is that these replacement officials did not ask to be thrown into the spotlight like this. Goodell and the owners put the NFL in this position and these replacement officials were asked to help out. Because of the actions of Goodell and the owners, these poor officials are way over their head and they are being ripped apart because of it. Time to stop pointing fingers at them and start calling out those who can actually change this for the better.

Now that we’ve waded through the screaming about the officials, we’ve arrived at a few predictions.

The Giants won’t understand what the big deal is with having replacements while they demolish the long-handed Panthers.

You know that desire that everyone has to show up their former employer and making them regret letting you go?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Kevin Kolb!

During the Eagles’ loss to the Cardinals, after the 89th hit of the game on Michael Vick, Philadelphia head coach Andy Reid will ask if anyone called “no backsies” on the Kolb/Antonio Rodgers-Cromartie trade.

NFL announcers will trip all over themselves trying not to say “Roger Goodell” in relation to “replacement officials,” so they will replace “Roger Goodell” with “The NFL.”

As in, “The NFL” should really do something about these replacement officials.

As in, “The NFL” really bungled this whole situation.

As in, what was “The NFL” thinking?!

It will take 47 games before an announcer will finally point out that the replacement officials are less to blame than “The NFL” himsel- er, itself.

Thank you, Cris Collinsworth.

Prior to the Monday Night Football game between the Packers and the Seahawks, the question on everyone’s lips will be, “did the Packers learn anything from the end of the first half of their playoff game against the Giants last season”?

After their loss to the Seahawks, the answer will be a resounding, “NO.”

Fortunately for the Packers, the actions of the replacement officials (and “the NFL”), will allow them to escape without receiving too much grief.

Well, kind of.

Predictions made prior to the NFL Week 3 based on the results of those games

Week 3 will be one of the more exciting NFL weekends in recent history!

First, the Saints will, umm, something with the Chiefs…

Then how about the 49ers, who will, with the Vikings…

And then there will be the Music City Miracle, but doesn’t make sense, because that happened during the 1999 playoffs…

Somehow the Cardinals, Falcons and Texans will all be in the same category after week 3…

Predictions are not coming easy this week. Something fishy is in the air.

Not fishy. Fishal. Ficial. Officials!

Week 3 will be one of the more exciting NFL weekends in recent history, and yet all anyone will be talking about will be the replacement officials.

It won’t be good talk, like:

“Did you see how far that guy threw his flag? What an arm!”

“How about the decision making by the referee! That guy has football-smarts.”

“The way the line judge followed the play down the field – what a tremendous athlete!”

No the talk will be more like what will be heard reverberating throughout M&T Stadium in Baltimore on Sunday night – something Al Michaels will refer to as “manure.”

Officials are at their best when they are neither seen nor heard. Unfortunately for the NFL, the replacement officials will be seen, heard, and then seen and heard again and again as highlights on SportsCenter will not be of the players making plays, but players reacting to officials calling those plays.

To be fair, ESPN has been showing highlights (or lowlights) of the officials since week 1, because even calling the plays correctly was a reason to be amazed.

The NFL had to know that the replacement officials would be more scrutinized than the actual officials ever were, or will be. Heck, during another time of year, the NFL would want that to be the case!

The NFL prides itself in being a year-round talking point, always having something coming up on the calendar. But with this situation, the NFL blew a prime opportunity. All it had to do was have the replacement officials work the preseason games and then bring in the regular officials right before week one. That way, everyone would be interested in the preseason, talking about the preseason, arguing about the preseason, but no real games would be affected.

Now real games have been and will continue to be affected and it almost might be a better idea to keep the replacement officials in for the whole season – maybe that way, every team will get screwed equally.

Strangely enough, the owners, including the ones whose teams are affected by poor officiating, will remain quiet on the whole “let’s-get-the-real-officials-back” front. So Roger Goodell, who works for the owners, will be the whipping boy for everyone with a pen (or a blog), while the owners will go unmentioned.

What should also be mentioned is that these replacement officials did not ask to be thrown into the spotlight like this. Goodell and the owners put the NFL in this position and these replacement officials were asked to help out. Because of the actions of Goodell and the owners, these poor officials are way over their head and they are being ripped apart because of it. Time to stop pointing fingers at them and start calling out those who can actually change this for the better.

Now that we’ve waded through the screaming about the officials, we’ve arrived at a few predictions.

The Giants won’t understand what the big deal is with having replacements while they demolish the long-handed Panthers.

You know that desire that everyone has to show up their former employer and making them regret letting you go?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Kevin Kolb!

During the Eagles’ loss to the Cardinals, after the 89th hit of the game on Michael Vick, Philadelphia head coach Andy Reid will ask if anyone called “no backsies” on the Kolb/Antonio Rodgers-Cromartie trade.

NFL announcers will trip all over themselves trying not to say “Roger Goodell” in relation to “replacement officials,” so they will replace “Roger Goodell” with “The NFL.”

As in, “The NFL” should really do something about these replacement officials.

As in, “The NFL” really bungled this whole situation.

As in, what was “The NFL” thinking?!

It will take 47 games before an announcer will finally point out that the replacement officials are less to blame than “The NFL” himsel- er, itself.

Thank you, Cris Collinsworth.

Prior to the Monday Night Football game between the Packers and the Seahawks, the question on everyone’s lips will be, “did the Packers learn anything from the end of the first half of their playoff game against the Giants last season”?

After their loss to the Seahawks, the answer will be a resounding, “NO.”

Fortunately for the Packers, the actions of the replacement officials (and “the NFL”), will allow them to escape without receiving too much grief.

Well, kind of.

Predictions made prior to the NFL Week 2 based on the results of those games

A week ago, Kevin Kolb was the backup quarterback who led his team to an improbable victory.

This week, Kevin Kolb will be the backup quarterback who leads his team to an improbable victory, as the Cardinals will beat the Patriots.

That scream you will hear is the sound of millions upon millions upon millions who picked the Patriots in their suicide pool.

Kolb will again show how much better he is as a starter starting in place of the injured starter than as a starter starting as a starter.

A week ago, the Patriots were the best team in football, the Cowboys were going to be a force to be reckoned with, the Packers and Giants were both d-o-e-n done, Peyton Manning was Peyton Manning and Bill Simmons was upset about his “Seahawks to the Super Bowl” pick.

After week 2, the Patriots will need help, the Cowboys will be back to doing Cowboys things, the Packers and Giants will probably not be d-o-e-n done (status may change based on the results of week 3), Peyton Manning will still be Peyton Manning but just not quite as Peyton Manning as Peyton Manning used to be and Bill Simmons will probably still upset about his Seahawks pick.

Let’s be honest, it was a ridiculous pick.

Sibling rivalry will take a weird turn during Monday Night Football. Peyton Manning will watch his brother Eli go 31-of-51 for a career-high 510 yards along with three touchdowns against an NFC South team (the Bucs), and think to himself, “anything he can do I can do better.”

The good news is that in his game against an NFC South team (the Falcons), Peyton will indeed do something better than Eli. The bad news is that it won’t involve completions, yards or touchdowns.

No, Peyton will see Eli’s three first-half interceptions and decide to do him one better, throwing three first-quarter interceptions. In your face, Eli!

A week ago, the Steelers’ defense was old and feeble and the Jets offense was flying high.

After week two, the Steelers’ defense will still be old (average age of starters: 47 (actually 30.4)) but not nearly as feeble, and the Jets offense will crash and burn.

On the plus side, Tim Tebow will have one run for 22 yards. So there’s that.

The 49ers will win the Hand-Slap-Shake Bowl thanks to the play of one Alex Smith.

Hold on, let me check that again. Yes, I did mean Alex Smith.

After wishing the Packers defense good luck before the game, Jay Cutler will be sacked seven times and picked four times, proving once again that no good deed goes unpunished.

Bills running back Fred Jackson will regret telling backup CJ Spiller to put the team on his back after Spiller runs for 123 yards and two touchdowns in Buffalo’s win over the Chiefs.

In a related story, Wally Pipp. That is all.

The Bengals will win the Battle of Drew Carey, beating the Browns. 

After the game, Charley Steiner will state that the Bengals are the best team.

In Ohio.

The Colts will beat the Vikings, giving Andrew Luck a victory in his second career start, bettering Peyton Manning’s rookie year performance, in which he won in his fifth career start.

What does that mean, you ask?

You tell me, I answer. #Deflect

Not to be outdone, Dolphins rookie quarterback Ryan Tannehill and Seahawks rookie quarterback Russell Wilson will also get wins in their second career starts, over the Raiders and Cowboys, respectively.

So what does that mean, you ask?

If you don’t know then I won’t tell you, I answer. #Deny

Robert Griffin III and the Redskins will lose to the Rams, but RGIII can still say he won in his first career start, which means…

Which means what, you ask.

Gimme a couple minutes, I say. #Delay

The Saints will lose to the Panthers and fall to 0-2. 

When asked about the team’s performance, interim interim head coach (and offensive line coach) Aaron Kromer will say, “hey we ran for 163 yards and Brees was only sacked once, right? So how bad a job could I be doing?!” #Deluded

In their loss to the Texans there will be good news and bad news for the Jaguars. 

The good news: the Jaguars will have more yards rushing than they will passing.


The bad news: the Jaguars will only have 65 yards rushing. #Dreadful


The Chargers will beat the Titans. 

Norv Turner will be 2-0 to start a season for the first time in his 15-year head coaching career. #Dumbfounding


After two games, Titans running back Chris Johnson will be tied for 71st in rushing yards with 21. 

Noted running backs Brandon Wheedon (60th, 31 yards) and Matt Cassell (48th, 45 yards) will have more yards than Johnson. #DONE

Predictions made prior to the NFL Week 1 based on the results of those games

A father and son take a hike on Sunday, Sept. 9. After they reach the summit, they pause to listen to the sounds drifting to them from afar.

“Hear that sound son? That’s the sound of Cowboys fans putting their team in the Super Bowl before the rest of the season has been played.”

After a few minutes of quiet solitude, a new sound reached the ears of the two hikers.

“What’s that, dad”?

“That, son, is the sound of NFL fans realizing, ‘Peyton Manning is back!'”

“It sounds different now, dad.”

“That’s because fans of the Falcons, Texans, Raiders, Patriots, Chargers, Saints, Bengals, Panthers, Chiefs, Buccaneers, Ravens and Browns just realized, ‘Peyton Manning is back.'”

After a while, the father and son turn around to head back. But as they do, they hear in the faint distance yet another sound.

“Pay attention son – that is the sound of replacement NFL officials doing a good enough job to not cost any team a win.”

“And what’s that sound”?

“That is the sound of the NFL counting its billions upon billions of dollars, knowing they won’t have to give any of it to the striking NFL officials.”

“Oh. But then what’s that sound”?

“That is the resignation call of the striking NFL officials.”

Prior to the Steelers’ game against the Broncos, Pittsburgh defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau will remind his defense of Demaryius Thomas’ short-reception-that-turned-into-the-80-yard-game-winning touchdown-catch in the 2011 playoffs, and will tell his guys not to let that happen again!

After Demaryius Thomas’ turns a short reception into a 71-yard-touchdown-catch, LeBeau will yell at his defense, “what did I tell you before the game?!”, before shaking his head and saying “I’m too old for this [stuff].”

(This message is brought to you by comedy, which is created when the same thing is said over and over and over again. Try it. You’ll see. Hilarious.)

NFL quarterbacks will combine to throw 33 interceptions in 14 games on Sunday. Six of those quarterbacks will throw at least three picks. Two of those six quarterbacks will throw four picks.

Yet, somehow, miraculously, Detroit’s Matt Stafford (three interceptions) and the Eagles’ Michael Vick (four interceptions) will lead their teams to last-second victories.

By miraculously, I mean they be playing the Rams and the Browns, respectively.

Arian Foster and Adrian Peterson will reward their fantasy owners teams with two touchdowns apiece, proving correct their fantasy owners teams’ decision to start them.

Five rookie quarterbacks will start for their respective teams. Four will combine to throw 11 interceptions, including three apiece by the Colts Andrew Luck and the Dolphins Ryan Tannehill. The second-overall draft pick from 2011 will lead his team to victory. There can be only one Shanahan(der).

But there can be three Robert Griffins, as he is a III.

Saints fans will do their best Matt Damon/Ben Affleck Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back impersonation, going from lemon face (Payton, Vitt, Vilma, Smith suspended) to lion face (Vilma and Smith not suspended) back to lemon face (Saints lose).

Adam Sandler will buy the rights to the 2012 New Orleans Saints’ story, tentatively titled, The Waterboy 2: Interim Interim Coach. Gregg Williams is expected to make a cameo (“and that brings me to my next point: don’t do bounties!”)

The Cardinals will have to bring second-string quarterback Kevin Kolb off the bench after starter John Skelton is injured. Kolb will play well, prompting teams with qb issues to look into trading for him.

Seriously, any team with a question mark at quarterback should go out and trade for Kolb – back up quarterbacks with success in limited action always pay off as starters for another team.

Speaking of back up quarterbacks, Tim Tebow!

(Everyone who writes about the NFL is obligated to mention His name at least once per column.)

The Jets’ offense will score more touchdowns in the first half of their game against the Bills (two) than they did the entire preseason (one).

After the game, non-NY Jets fans will check to see if Tebow did anything (he didn’t) before shrugging their shoulders and going about their day.

Patriots fans will be happy to know that not only will their new starting running back play better than the previous guy, his name will be much easier to remember and say (Stevan Ridley > BenJarvus Green-Ellis).

Tony Gonzalez, who caught 76 touchdowns as a Chief, will return to Kansas City for the first time since he left the team. He will catch career touchdown No. 96. Not to be outdone, current Chiefs tight end Kevin Boss will catch his 22nd career touchdown. So there’s that.

Tampa Bay head coach Greg Schiano will continue his trend of turning teams around and playing smart, error-free football.

Carolina quarterback Cam Newton will continue his trend of throwing for a bunch of yards in a losing effort. If it’s any consolation, Newton’s fantasy owners will not be entirely displeased with his performance. What? That’s no consolation? Oh well I tried.

Randy Moss will make a triumphant return to the NFL but will not mime pulling his pants down, much to the chagrin of his new sponsor, former American Idol contestant Larry Platt.

Alex Smith will use the 49ers’ win over the Packers to make an argument that he should have been the No. 1 overall pick in 2005 over Aaron Rodgers. Wait, what?

Not to be outdone, Aaron Rodgers’ discount double-check commercial will be played for the 10,000th time, and it will still be just as funny as it was the first time it was seen.

Did I say just as funny? I meant to say just as funny and cute. Rodgers is dreamy!

MNF Predictions, MNF-er!
The Ravens will honor Art Modell by defeating the Bengals on Monday Night Football, an event that Modell pushed for.

That’s right, Cleveland – he did more than just tear out your heart and stab your soul.

Millions of fans will tune into the Ravens-Bengals game, hoping that Baltimore linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo will make a play, just to watch ESPN’s announcers perform lingual gymnastics while trying to discuss Ayanbadejo (and Minnesota punter Chris Kluwe)’s recent run in with Maryland douche democrat Emmett Burns without actually discussing what the run in was all about.

Well, maybe not a million, but at least one (me).

The Raiders will definitively prove that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Six penalties, three botched punts, one turnover…and an Al Davis spinning in his grave.

Did I say “spinning”? I meant to say, “winning,” baby.

Recently, the website Grantland held a contest for the spot of its fantasy football writer. The rules were simple: write a short piece about your top-five fantasy players of the 2012 NFL season and one sleeper, with a max of 750 words.

I wrote a piece that I thought was funny, interesting and well, Grantland-ish. I even had some pop culture references. Ok, one pop culture reference. I would have had two, but I was only allowed 750 words.

End result, I was not one of the 10 finalists. And I’ll admit, it stung a little.

Ok, a lot.

Ok, I cried.

Ok, I’m still cryi- my mental state is not the point of this piece. The point is for me to give my readers, all two of them, a chance to read my submission for the Grantland fantasy football writer fantasy football writing contest.

I knew that for me to have any kind of chance with the contest, my piece would have to stand out in some form or fashion. After mulling it over for a few days, I came up with my plan. Not only was I going to make my picks for the 2012 NFL season (requirement numero uno), I was also going to make my picks for the 1978 NFL season (the year I was born) and the 1999 NFL season (the year I turned 21 and had my first alcoholic beverage).

Using profootballreference.com, I looked into the statistical leaders for the 1977 and 1998 seasons to make my picks. I had to cut the paragraph with the 1999 picks because 750 words is just not what it used to be, and with the help of my lovely wife I cleaned up the submission and sent it in. What follows below is the fruit of my labors (although it turned out to be more bitter than sweet).

Grantland Fantasy Football Writer Fantasy Football Writing Contest Submission

Predictions made prior to the NFL Championship Round based on the results of those games