Category: Uncategorized

SPOILER ALERT: this contains the ending to the series finale of How I Met Your Mother. If you are a fan of the show but haven’t seen the finale yet, stop reading. If you’ve never watched the show but believe that you will one day binge watch the entire series, who are you kidding you never will. Keep on reading.

CBS’ hit show How I Met Your Mother called it quits after nine seasons, with the season finale on Monday, March 31. I thought the finale was great, until the final two minutes. It was sweet, it was silly, it was honest (friends drift apart – who knew?!) and it was funny. Then came the final two minutes, when older Ted – now played by actual Ted (Josh Radnor), not voice-over Ted (Bob Saget) – finishes the story to his kids about how he met their mother, who we now know passed away.

We realized that something bad was probably going to happen to the Mother in an earlier episode, when Ted got choked up talking about mothers not making it to their daughters’ weddings. Well, some of us realized it, anyway. My wife had to point it out to me.

Regardless, the season finale made our worries come true, as it showed time going by with Ted and Tracey getting together, having a baby, getting married, Tracey getting sick, etc. Then we got to the weird two minutes. Ted ends his story about how he met their mother, and the daughter immediately tells him that the story was really all about Aunt Robin and how Ted wants to ask her out but doesn’t know how to tell his kids. Short two minutes short, Ted goes to Robin and the show ends with him standing under her apartment window with the blue trumpet he stole for her earlier in the series.

The How I Met Your Mother creators, Carter Bays and Craig Thomas, are certainly not against writing episodes that deal with the death of a loved one (see dad, Marshall’s). I have no problem with the story line including the Mother passing away. My issue is the show ended in such a way as to make it seem like Robin was Ted’s destiny, not the mother of his children, the focus of the story (and name of the show).

Ted and Robin did not work together. He wanted kids, she wanted a career. He was a sentimentalist, she was…not. He was a romantic, she was…also not. The finale showed us how well Ted and Tracey went together. But if we take the ending at face value, he had to go out and have kids with another woman so that he could end up with Robin. Yes, we are told that six years has passed since the Mother passed away, but for me that wasn’t enough. Not in terms of time – it could have been six months for all I care. I needed to know that Ted knew what we all knew – that Tracey was the love of his life, his soul-mate.

All it would have taken for the season finale to be perfect was one line. All we needed was for Ted to say “you know kids, your Aunt Robin will never replace your mother” or something similarly as cheesy. That way we know that Ted knows what we know.

I understand that ending a show is hard, that you’re never going to appease everyone. Like I said, I loved the season finale. I’m just a little surprised, with the job that Bays and Thomas have done with the show so far, that they didn’t think to add in that one tiny line.

Because the way the show ended, it kind of made msnbc reporter Adam Serwer’s tweet from January of 2013 come true:

How I Was Totally Into Your Aunt Robin For A Decade But She Married My Best Friend So I Settled For Your Mother.

I have been listening to the Howard Stern Show since 1997, when my brother-in-law turned me on to him. My first career choice, radio, came about because of the Howard Stern Show and his movie, Private Parts. I joined twitter simply because Howard joined twitter. I started watching America’s Got Talent simply because Howard was a judge on the show. I get irrationally angry when I hear people criticizing Stern, or the show. I immediately take a liking to anyone who is a fan of the show.

So for me to say that I wanted tickets to his upcoming Birthday Bash at the Hammerstein Ballroom in New York is an understatement.

I really, REALLY wanted tickets.

I can’t remember the last thing I’ve wanted as much as I wanted tickets for the Birthday Bash. Hearing Howard talk about it day after day, hearing the acts that would be appearing, the famous people who would be there just as fans…I WANTED tickets. The day the online sweepstakes was announced, I entered. When I got an error message, I tracked down Sirius’ support twitter handle to find out what the issue was and make sure that my entry was good to go. Every chance there was to sign up for tickets, I took it. I knew it was a longshot that I would be successful, and it was, because I wasn’t. But I also knew that there was another way: Howard was giving away tickets on his show, a pair each day. So I hatched a plan.

For the three weeks leading up to the bash, I was going to wake up at 5:30am and call in before the show started, hoping for a chance to play for tickets. I had a topic in mind that I thought was interesting (“I” being the operative term – see the note at the bottom of the page), so I was ready to go. Day one of my plan, I start calling at 5:40am and finally get through at 5:56am. I gave my name and location, “Trevor from Linden, NJ,” and the call-screener (Steve Brandano) said, “hey, Trevor Linden!” Me being the comedic genius I am, I hit him back with “yeah, you got it.” So he knows I’m going to be radio gold.

I learned a valuable lesson on that first day, which was NOT to call in using your home phone. When I had to leave for work, I had to hang up and call back on my cell phone. And it is not easy to get back on hold. But approximately 30 calls later, I finally get through again, and I say, “Hey it’s Trevor Linden again” (remember, I’m a comedic genius who’s going to be radio gold). The call screener (Steve Brandano) had no idea what I was talking about and I was forced to go back to “Trevor in Linden, N.J.” with the topic I wanted to discuss.

So this went on for two weeks. Sometimes I got through, sometimes I didn’t. Those times I got through, I was kept on hold for the entire show as Howard kept giving other people opportunities to play for tickets. There was also the time I got through and immediately hung up on myself, not to get through again that day.

Then, quickly, too quickly, we get to the final week. Three more shows before the Birthday Bash. Three more chances to get tickets. I call in on Monday morning at 5:40 am and finally get through at 5:55 am. I give my name and location and topic. The call screener (Steve Brandano) asks me, “you sticking with that topic?” “Excuse me?” I ask. “I’ve been putting you up with that topic for two weeks now and Howard hasn’t picked up on you,” he replies. “Well I do have another question for him, if you think that would be better,” I say. “What’s that?” he asks me. (On an aside – a very cool move by him. He could have put me on hold with the same dopey topic, but he went out of his way to give me a better chance.) I give him topic number two, he seems to think it’s better, he puts me on hold.

On hold is where I still am after the show ends, with nary a sniff at being on air. Tuesday is the same story. On hold at 5:55am, still on hold when the show ends.

So we get to Wednesday. Last live show until the Birthday Bash. Last chance for tickets. Comedian/Actor/Producer Jeff Garlin was a guest on Tuesday’s show, and he was terrific. Really, one of the best guests ever. It was his first time on the Stern Show and I was blown away by how funny and interesting he was. So I decide to change it up and I tell the screener (Steve Brandano) that I want to talk about how good a guest Garlin was. The screener (Steve Brandano) puts me on hold.

At around 6:10am, Howard takes a caller who talks about how good a guest Garlin was. “That’s it,” I say to myself. “No chance Howard picks up on me now that he’s already covered that particular topic.” Howard lets the guy play for tickets, he wins, and Howard starts to discuss something not Jeff Garlin. I resign myself to two facts: 1) I will not be getting tickets to the Birthday Bash, and b) I will be on hold for another four hours without getting on the air.

I always assumed that when Howard picked up on a caller, there is be some sort of click to alert the caller to the fact that they are on the air. But when the voice in my phone said: “Trevor in Linden, New Jersey,” it took me half a second to realize that that was me, and that I was on the air. I’m still not sure how I was able to start speaking right away, because my brain slowed to a crawl while my heart sped up to a mile a minute. I was sure that they would be able to hear my heart beating on the air, that’s how loud it felt to me.

But somehow, someway, I knew that I had to speak. I went with my first thought, which was to say “Hey Howard, how are you,” which is actually a mistake, because Howard doesn’t like when callers waste time with small talk. I realize this as soon as the “you” comes out of my mouth and after a brief awkward pause, I launch into why Jeff Garlin reminded me of Howard (in a good way), and how great a guest he was. (In my mind, I’m speaking a mile a minute and no one can understand me. Listening back to my few minutes on the air, I sounded almost normal.) Howard and I have a brief discussion about how good a guest Garlin was, and then I realize it’s my time to ask for a chance for birthday tickets. Howard says he isn’t sure if he has any to give away (I’m fairly certain he knew full well he had tickets to give away), but I point out that they didn’t give any away on Tuesday. Gary chimes in to say that these are the LAST PAIR OF TICKETS TO GIVE AWAY.

The game: they gave Beetlejuice (this guy) a line from a commonly-known song with a few words missing, and he has to fill in the missing words. The line: the wheels on the bus go ____ __ ____. Of course, the answer is “round and round,” or anything with the word “round.” “He knows it,” I say. I’m pretty confident with this answer – Beetlejuice has shown in the past that he knows children’s songs. But I ask to poll the room anyway. Fred thinks he knows it, Robin thinks he doesn’t, and Howard isn’t sure. I say I’m going with he knows it. But Howard won’t let that be my final answer. He keeps talking about what Beetle knows and what he doesn’t know, and how he knows what he knows, and how the odds are higher that Beetle doesn’t know, and how it’s rare for Beetle to get the right answer twice in the same game. THAT’S the line that gets to me. THAT’S the line that makes me change my answer.

To make a long story longer, Beetle knew the answer was round and round. Howard teased Robin for changing my mind, but I did it to myself. I made the classic mistake of not sticking with my first instinct. Howard asked Judge JD (one of the Stern staffers) if I should get a second chance, but JD said no. And I understood. I probably wouldn’t give me a second chance either, if I were in his shoes. Howard hung up on me as I was saying “no problem, I understand.” I stood their in my kitchen for a minute or two, before I went upstairs to give my wife the good bad news.

After three weeks of waking up at 5:30 am, after hours spent calling and calling, after hours spent on hold, I finally got my chance to play for tickets, I got the answer right, and then I got the answer wrong. I will not be going to the Birthday Bash.

I know there are many cool things about my story. For one, I got to speak to Howard. For two…well, ok, there’s only really one cool thing about my story. And to be honest, even going into the final day, there was a part of me that hoped that Howard would not pick up on me, because I had heard multiple people get the answer wrong when they played and I didn’t want to get a chance to screw up my one opportunity at tickets.

But I did get my chance, and I did screw it up, and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

Except winning the tickets. I would change it for that.

NOTE:
To put a nice big bow on this therapy session that hopefully will help me move past the fact that I had Birthday Tickets in my hand and gave them away (something I’ve been kicking myself for non-stop since it happened), here are the topics I went with during those first two+ weeks of calling. One was based off of Howard’s joke that he can bench 95 pounds 10 times. I was going to give him an easy way to increase his benchpress by not bringing the bar down all the way to your chest. It totally works. I don’t want to brag, but over the summer my 14-year-old niece told me I had big pecs. In retrospect, a pretty boring topic and a smart move on Howard’s part not to pick up on me. My second topic was to ask him if his dad is or was a sports fan. Ben Stern always strikes me as someone who would at least follow baseball, perhaps not as a die-hard fan but with a mild interest. Howard is NOT a sports fan, so I was curious if his dad ever talked with him about sports while he was growing up.

Both topics were legit, in the sense that they were things I really did want to discuss with Howard, but the end goal was always to play for tickets. It could be that on that Wednesday morning at 6:20am, Howard really wanted to talk about Jeff Garlin again (not as likely) or it could be that he had seen me on hold multiple times and decided to give me a chance (much more likely).

Michael Jordan has been a spokesman for Hanes undershirts for as long as I can remember. Most of the commercials are fairly forgettable (aside from the Hitler Mustache of 2010), but a recent one stood out to me. See if you can figure out the reason why.

Did you see it? Watch it again, for the specific moment this commercial makes MJ look like a giant d-bag.

HE THROWS THE TAG INTO A RANDOM PERSON’S SODA. I mean, who does that? You’re sitting there, enjoying the movie, drinking your $20 soda, and all of a sudden some guy throws the tag of a shirt into it. You’re not going to drink your soda after that! That’s $20 right down the drain! What an a-hole whoever that guy who threw the tag in your soda is!

The ad makes MJ look like, well, MJ. But here are a couple ways Hanes can fix this commercial.

1) MJ shows off his long-range game and throws it into a trash can. Commercial ends with the tag saying “what is that, moldy cheese sauce? NOOOOOoooooo” (fading away). This way it tells people that a) tags are bad and b) throwing trash away into trash receptacles is good. This option would be safe, but boring.

2) This option is my personal favorite. Michael Jordan throws the tag towards the front of the movie screen and it lands in some guys drink. The camera pans up and the drink owner is….future Survivor winner Clifford Robinson! (see if you can pick him out in the picture.) With the camera getting both men in the shot, Uncle Cliffy looks behind him all angry, sees MJ and then drops his head Charlie Brown-style. The camera zooms towards MJ, and he does this:

BOOM. Michael Jordan would still be a jerk who throws a tag into a random person’s drink, BUT IT WOULD BE HILARIOUS.

Commercial solved. You’re welcome.

Here’s the thing about this Duck Dynasty dude and what he said.

He can speak his mind, no matter how ridiculous or insulting or hateful it is, which he did.

We can mock him mercilessly for his comments, which we have.

The company that airs his show, which is trying to attract fans FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE, is allowed to disavow him and suspend him, which it did.

His being suspended has nothing to do with freedom of speech – it’s purely a business decision. A&E wants to make money. It makes money from advertisers. Advertisers buy time on A&E based on how many people watch its shows. The more people who watch, the more money advertisers will spend.

If A&E does nothing, people will push for a boycott, which a) is bad press and 2) leads to fewer viewers. That would be bad for business. A&E did what it had to do to ensure that all – ALL – of its fans keep watching all – ALL – of its shows. Some of which have nothing to do with ducks, apparently.

For all we know, A&E could agree with this guy. But the company is smart enough to not bite the hand that feeds. Everyone is allowed to voice their personal opinions, but they can’t be shocked if some of those opinions come back to bite them in the anus.

So really, in the end, it’s about capitalism. Which conservatives like Sarah Palin are allegedly all about. So they should totally be on board with A&E’s decision to suspend the duck dude. Right? RIGHT?

Sigh.

Predictions based on the results of Week 12-13-14

The Giants will do something very un-Giant-esque. Instead of stringing along their fans by making them thing their team has a chance at the playoffs before failing to reach the playoffs in a spectacularly painful fashion, they will get knocked out of playoff contention with three weeks to play.

I supposed kudos are in order for trying something different this year.

Remember that team that was 1-3 and then 3-5, that went two weeks with a grand total of three points, that started the season 0-4 at home? That team will be in first-place in the NFC East standings with three weeks remaining. E A G L E S Eagles!

NOTE: You know what makes Philly a dark horse in the playoffs, if they get there? They’re playing well late (have won five-straight, best current streak in the NFL), they’re excellent on the road (NFC-best 5-1 mark, tied with KC for best road record in the NFL), and they have Nick Foles. Wait, what was that last one?

“It’s not you, it’s us. We just don’t think you’re good enough.”
–How Mike Shanahan will tell RGIII that the team is breaking up with their Subway eating quarterback (at least for the rest of the season), as rumors swirl about Shanahan’s future with the team and the general douchiness of owner Dan Snyder.

All of a sudden, the NFC East will no longer be the division where the team in first-place has the worst record of all division leaders…that honor falls to the NFC North! Congrats, Detroit and Chicago!

Remember when Tampa Bay and Jacksonville were both 0-fer and in the lead for Downey for Clowney? Both teams will screw up their chances at landing the speedying star Clowney by winning, thus disappointing their fans. Good job, Bucs and Jags. Way to play hard even though there’s nothing to play for. Losers.

The team currently in first place for Clowney…everyone’s favorite darkhorse Super Bowl pick, the Houston Texans! Clowney will love playing for Cowher/Lovie/Harbaugh/Phillips/Whisenhunt/Shaw.

Not even I can predict which coach will get the Texans gig.

Houston has its work cut out, as it will have to lose to Indy, Denver and Tennessee to hold off Atlanta and Washington in the first overall pick sweepstakes.

I take that back – Atlanta and Washington are screwed. Houston’s getting the first overall pick.

In Week 12, in one of many chapters in the Manning v Brady storybook, the Patriots will come back from a 24-0 halftime deficit to defeat the Broncos in overtime.

If the Football gods don’t give us Denver-New England II in the playoffs, they will not be doing their job.

Despite losing to the Patriots, the Broncos will still have the inside track to get home field advantage throughout the playoffs. All they will need to do is defeat San Diego, Houston and Oakland (combined record: 12-27) to clinch the first overall seed. Might as well start making those January travel plans to Denver now, boys…

The Saints will defeat Carolina in week 15 to become just the third team to win the week after playing the Seahawks. Teams that play Seattle will improve to 3-8-1 in the week following their game against the Seahawks.

After Week 14, all four teams in the AFC South will have a negative point differential. The division clinching Colts will be the only division leader with a negative point differential.

These are things I now know.

MOMENT THAT GRINDED MY GEARS ENOUGH TO WRITE ABOUT IT (in letter form)

Dear Anti-College Football Playoff People,

I’ve heard a lot of talk about how the implementation of the college football playoff next year will make the regular season pointless, and I can’t tell you how much that sentiment grinds my gears. “Games like this year’s Iron Bowl won’t have as much meaning,” you say. “Regular season games won’t mean as much,” you argue.

What the what?!

Let me tell you a story. A few years ago, the Florida Gators men’s basketball team won back-to-back national championships. You might have heard about it. It was kind of a big deal. Despite solid, if unspectacular, seasons following the second national championship, the Gators missed out on the NCAA Tournament and were relegated to the NIT. Head coach Billy Donovan realized that the biggest reason his team wasn’t being given more NCAA Tournament consideration was the fact that his non-conference slate wasn’t as strong as other teams. So he changed his scheduling philosophy, and the team has made the NCAAs ever since. This season, already Florida has traveled to face Wisconsin (No. 4) and UConn (No. 9) on the road and hosted Kansas (No. 13).

Why do I bring this up? Because this year, Florida State’s non-conference matchups were Nevada, Bethune Cookman, Idaho and Florida. Auburn’s non-conference games were Washington State, Arkansas State, Western Carolina and Florida Atlantic. Real stellar stuff.

Imagine, if you will, a scenario in which an early regular season loss does not knock a team out of national championship considerations. Imagine that college football teams, worried not of an early regular season defeat but instead of the lack of a tough non-conference schedule, playing other college football teams that share that same concern. Suddenly those Auburn-Arkansas State games become Auburn-Ohio State. Florida State against Florida becomes…Florida State vs. Florida (ok, bad example).

Those regular season games later in the season become even MORE important than they are now. Suddenly, Auburn and Alabama are not competing with two or three other teams for national championship consideration, they’re competing with four, five, six or even more teams for playoff consideration. Plus, they might be playing for SEC Championship berth. So on multiple levels, the regular season becomes absolutely vital. Big games at the beginning of the season, big games at the end of the season, win-win for the fans.

The only group that suffers with the incoming playoff is the FCS schools who won’t be getting that big payday to be beaten by 80 points. Certainly those games won’t disappear – Homecomings have to be played, after all – but the idea is that they will not be played with such regularity.

The change won’t happen overnight. The first year of the playoffs will feature more BCS-FCS matchups than we would want, but it won’t take away the importance of regular season games, beginning to end. And those last three weeks of the season, as teams jockey for conference championships and playoff consideration will be a beautiful, wonderful thing.

I’m excited. You should be too.

Predictions based on the results of Weeks 9-10-11

Just a few predictions from the last month or so, with no apparent rhyme or reason (or so I would have you believe [there’s no rhyme or reason])

Pearl Jam will go with a new advertising strategy during the World Series, paying FOX to go to commercial break with PJ songs. Joe Buck will attempt to show the kids how hip he is to the music of today by talking about a new song by the band that actually came out 20 years ago. Some might argue that Buck was merely straddling the space-time continuum, but I think it’s more that he just has no idea who or what a Pearl Jam is.

Quick thought: FOX obviously new it was going to be using a plethora of Pearl Jam songs during the World Series. I would assume Buck new as well, since he was part of the promotion. So wouldn’t Buck, or one of the producers, make sure he knew which songs were from the new album and which were from back in the day? Especially since it is quite apparent that Buck is not a Pearl Jam fan. Nothing wrong with that, to each his or her own, but if you’re not a fan of a band and that band’s songs are going to be used during your broadcast as part of a promotion wouldn’t you do the necessary research to make sure you had all the important information?

One week later, Troy Aikman will prove how he has football on the brain, when he will say, “to use a baseball term, it was a three and out.” Guy literally can’t get football out of his head. Maybe that’s a side effect of concussions. NFL should really look into this.

Why do I bring both of these stories up? Because Buck and Aikman will be the announcers during Super Bowl XLVIII (this year’s game). Might be a good time to try the SAP button on your remote.

After week 11, the NFC East will be the NFC at-least-three-teams-are-in-contention-for-the-division-title-making-this-race-more-interesting-than-you-would-think-because-of-the-teams’-records.

Even Washington, 3-7 and in last place, will be only 2.5 games behind the division leader after week 11.

Tampa Bay, which started 0-8, will be 2-8 after beating the Falcons in week 11. Atlanta, which last year went to the NFC Championship, will also be 2-8 after week 11. Perennial Super Bowl darkhorse favorite Houston will also be 2-8 after week 11.

Let that sit with you for just a second. Atlanta and Houston will be just one game ahead of Jacksonville after week 11.

The Jaguars and Bucs will pick up their first wins of the season on the same week. The next week, Jacksonville will come to its senses and get back to losing, while Tampa Bay will win yet again.

So to recap, the Jaguars are still the frontrunners for downey for Clowney, but they have some competition. Who will screw up and win games down the stretch? Stay tuned!

Denver will put to rest all that talk about it being a wild card with an emphatic win over Kansas City. The 1972 Dolphins will be able to party like it’s, well, 1972. The 2013 Dolphins will not be able to party because they are grounded.

Richie Incognito, not content with merely bullying Jonathan Martin, will file a grievance against the Dolphins, which could be construed as an attempt to bully THE ENTIRE TEAM.

The Bull is strong in this one.

Carolina will be on a six-game winning streak after week 11, with victories over the Niners and the Patriots.

Carolina-New England will end when officials pick up a flag that would have given the Patriots first and goal at the one-yard line with one play to win or lose the game. The world will all agree it was a terrible no-call. Well, the TUCK YOU, Patriots.”

MOMENT THAT GRINDED MY GEARS ENOUGH TO WRITE ABOUT IT (in letter form)

Dear Sports Announcers,

This may seem like I’m picking on Kirk Herbstreit, but I’m not. I think Herbstreit is great – one of the best analysts maybe ever. He knows the game, he’s not condescending, he sounds like he’s having fun doing the broadcasts…it makes me feel like you could be having a beer with him while watching the game and it would be exactly how it sounds on TV. So this is not an anti-Herbstreit thing. This is actually a message to all play-by-play and color analysts. Yes, it was Herbstreit who prompted this letter, but this is not about him. It’s about all of you. And a word you all tend to toss around.

“Courage.”

Towards the end of USC’s upset win over Stanford, Herbstreit said that the Trojans had shown a “lot of courage” in beating the Cardinal. That stuck with me. Was it really courage they showed? These are football players, playing a football game, against a conference opponent that they play every year. It’s not like Stanford was this big bad bully that USC stood up to when it didn’t have to. Heck, talent-wise, both teams were probably fairly similar. But to go in and upset a top-ranked team when you are not ranked…is that courage?

I say it’s not. I say analysts should no longer be allowed to use the word courage when discussing how a team played. That, to me, is not courage. You could say they showed confidence, or moxie, or onions if you’re Bill Raftery. Those all would be applicable. But courage, to me, should be reserved for life or death situations. For situations where one makes a conscious decision to do something regardless of the consequences to one’s well being. To be military, law enforcement, firefighters, first responders and the like, THAT takes real courage – to go into a battle, to fight crime, to run into a burning building, to run into a disaster to help the wounded…all of these are conscious decisions that are made to risk one’s life to help others.

Some might make the argument that football is a violent sport and that these players are risking their lives when they step out on the field. To a point, I would agree with that. I think a receiver who goes over the middle and makes a catch even when he knows he’s about to be clobbered by a charging safety shows courage. I think a quarterback who ignores the defensive end flying at him to complete a pass before getting pancaked to the ground shows courage. I think a running back who takes on basically the entire defensive front seven to try and get one yard shows courage. But those are on specific plays, from specific players, in specific moments. And even those situations don’t have the same ring as “fire fighter runs into burning building” or “cop chases down armed suspect.”

I guess what I feel is that the word “courage” is being taken for granted. Did Stanford not show courage because it lost to USC? Both teams played just as hard, but USC just finished with more points. Heck, for my money, military spouses show more courage every day than a football team does on game day – what they deal with and worry about on a day-to-day basis while still functioning…it’s amazing. 

So announcers, let’s put the kibosh on using “courage” for any sort of sports situation. It insults those people who show true courage. Like bloggers.

We take a break from our regularly scheduled predictions to bring you a very important message:

Bullying sucks. Bullies suck. People who let Bullies Bully are cowards.

With that in mind, I give you the 2013 Miami Dolphins!!

When word came out that the Miami Dolphins’ young offensive lineman, Jonathan Martin, had left the team because he was being harassed and bullied by fellow lineman Richie Incognito, the responses were predictable. The few who thought it was ridiculous that a grown man was bullying another grown man were drowned out by the majority who felt that Incognito was trying to make a man out of Martin and only real men play football and therefore Martin must not have been a real man and he needed to be toughened up. Apparently, you toughen people up by calling them names and telling them you’re going to kill them.

The Dolphins immediately suspended Incognito indefinitely and put on the reserve/non-football injury list. Neither will play again for Miami this season.

The Dolphins coaching staff/front office claimed they had no idea this was going on, but there are also reports that they told Incognito to toughen Martin up. There are also reports that Martin went to GM Jeff Ireland, who allegedly told Martin he needed to punch Incognito.

Dolphin teammates rushed to the defense of…Incognito, saying they had no problem with him (a white guy) calling Martin (a black guy), the N-word, before falling into the “we’re just concentrating on football” line of defense.

Former teammates rushed to the defense of…Martin, saying that a) the Dolphins absolutely knew what was going on and 2) Incognito is a jackass.

Analysts used Martin’s Stanford education and Harvard-educated parents as reasons why he doesn’t fit into an NFL locker room. I can’t decide if that’s more insulting to Martin or the other guys in the locker room. Also, I have no idea how that leads to Martin getting bullied.

There are so many things that bother me about this story, I don’t even know where to begin. Let’s start with this idea that in order to “toughen someone up,” you need to harass and bully them. Say what? Didn’t that idea die out in the 50s and 60s? By the way, both decades called: they want the way they raised their sons back. Where else in today’s world does anyone think this is a good strategy?

Why did anyone think that Martin needed to be tougher? He started for four years at Stanford, a team that year in and year out played “smash-mouth football.” Two of those years he played under head coach Jim Harbaugh, who seems pretty tough. He even yells at little kids! I don’t know about you, but I’m confident in saying Harbaugh wouldn’t accept anything but toughness from his players.

What kind of sick mind thinks it’s ok to treat someone the way Incognito was treating Martin? Please note: the sick mind is not only that of Incognito’s but also anyone on the Dolphins who felt that his actions were necessary and/or beneficial to Martin. All of these “big, strong, tough” men didn’t have the balls to say to Incognito, “hey leave that guy alone.”

And kudos to the absolute moron who decided that Incognito, a guy who has had numerous off field issues, who is currently with his third team in eight years, would be good to have on the Dolphins’ player leadership council. At that point, you’re just asking for trouble, which you received, so job well done.

This might sound simple but apparently it’s way too complex for the Dolphins: we’re all different. Different people respond to different things in different ways. Perhaps some players like getting yelled at, maybe that’s what works for them to get fired up on the football field. Other players just like quiet solitude, alone with their thoughts, getting their minds on the task at hand.

I’ve never met Jonathan Martin, but the people on TV tell me he’s quiet. I guess that was one of the factors that led to him being bullied. I get the sense that he didn’t feel he needed to be pushed and bullied around to become “tough.” He was tough already, but because he didn’t fit in with what the Dolphins perceived “tough” looks like, he needed to be toughened up. For the Dolphins, making their players tougher is a “one size fits all” method, which as we all know is how the real world operates. Everyone gets motivated the same way, right? No? Oh.

Look, I know it’s hard to stop someone from bullying others. We tend to let bullies get away with bullying because we don’t want them to turn their attentions on us. Much easier to let them pick on somebody else. I have been bullied, and I have bullied. And even if I wasn’t the one actively bullying, I didn’t stop those who were bullying, and that makes me a bully by association. I don’t really think about the times when I was bullied. I do, however, think about the times where I was the bully, either actively or passively. To this day, it bothers me that I wasn’t strong enough to stop people from bullying others.

I might not have been strong enough to stand up to bullies, but Jonathan Martin was. After being harassed and threatened and pushed around, he had enough. He was man enough to do something about it. That’s why, for my money, the toughest player on that Miami Dolphins team is currently on the reserved/non-football injury list.

NOTE: The best article written on this situation was by Brian Phillips for Grantland. Read it. After you read mine, of course.