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Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter have all taken shots at Michelle Obama lately. For breast feeding and food. Which makes me wonder which one of the four has a breast complex and which ones have an eating complex. You would think it would be easy to figure that out, but the answers may surprise you. And me. Actually I don’t think I want to figure it out.

Michelle Obama has an initiative to try and get Americans to eat better. A noble cause, by anyone’s estimation. But conservatives and right-wing pundits have decided that what Mrs. Obama is really trying to do is take over the country. She wants to tell everyone how to live their lives, how to raise their kids, she is going to make laws that dictate what we eat and how much we eat and who is she to tell us how to live our lives anyway.

That monster, how dare she.

The only problem is, that’s not Michelle Obama’s goal at all. Her goal is merely to get us to eat better, exercise more, get healthier. We get healthier, we cut down on hospital visits, we cut down on medical bills, we all save money.

But conservatives don’t want us to believe that. They want us to believe that the president and his wife are trying to take over America. They like to deal in fear, giving the most ignorant among us their thoughts and opinions as though they were actual facts. They want people to believe that Michelle Obama is trying to tell them how to live their lives. All she wants is for people to lead healthy, happy lives.

Rush Limbaugh recently made it a point of saying that Mrs. Obama is not practicing what she preaches because she had ribs for dinner once. The fact that Limbaugh, who I think it is safe to say is four times the size of Mrs. Obama, is criticizing her eating habits is funny by itself. It shows that he really has no idea how to diet (if you couldn’t tell that already by looking at him). Michelle Obama does not want people to cut out of their diet foods that aren’t good for them. She has even said that ice cream is delicious and she doesn’t want to give it up. All she is saying is that instead of seven straight days of McDonalds, break it up with a salad. She is saying let’s teach our kids now how to maintain healthy, balanced diets. Enjoy the occasional ice cream, but don’t make it a daily habit. Go to McDonald’s or Burger King every once in a while, but make sure it’s not an every day occurrence.

And to the Palins, Bachmanns, Coulters: what do you have against eating healthy? Note: Limbaugh was left out of that question for obvious reasons. Other than him, the other three are fairly thin. Are they all mad that they didn’t have this idea first? Whatever the case, I really hope that people see these ridiculous comments for what they really are – ridiculous comments with no foundation in fact.

Chew on that, America.

The other day for no reason at all I was thinking about the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. I remembered how Goldilocks thought one porridge was too hot, the other too cold, two of the chairs were too big, one bed was too hard and one bed was too soft. Then it occurred to me that Goldilocks was a real pain in the ass.

Can you imagine dating Goldilocks? Nothing you do would ever be good enough. Your Valentine’s Day plans would either be not romantic enough or way too sappy. You would either not make decisions enough or you would always get your own way. You don’t listen to her or you never talk to her.

That sounds suspiciously like most women. I guess we’re all dating Goldilocks. I wonder which bear I am.

Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann seem to love criticizing Michelle Obama no matter what she says or does. Their big issue seems to be that they don’t want their government to tell people how to live their lives. I guess if either one of them gets elected to the White House (God forbid), they will be the substitute teachers of presidents. They won’t teach us anything, they won’t tell us to do anything, they’ll just sit in the front of the class and make sure no one gets hurt.

Except that I’m pretty sure if either one of them gets elected to the White House (God forbid), they will go out of their way to tell us how to live our lives, which coincidentally will be the way they live their lives.

The other day at work I was going to the bathroom into the urinal. I finished up and walked to the sink to wash my hands. One of my co-workers immediately called me out for not flushing the urinal. Instead of just owning up to it, I started to go into some spiel about how the handle of a toilet is the germiest thing in a bathroom. Which was something someone had told me in high school. Except that what they had told me was that the handles of toilets in public restrooms were the cleanest part of the bathroom.

Note: according to the story I found online, the bathroom door handles and the toilet seat are the cleanest parts of the bathroom. So there you go.

Anyways, I started to make something up about how I always wash my hands after using the urinal but before flushing. Which meant I had to wash my hands and then flush. Which meant I would then have to wash my hands again. In the only smart move of the whole situation, I grabbed a paper towel and used that to flush the urinal. I could have saved five minutes of my life by simply saying, “you’re right, I totally forgot to flush, that was dumb of me,” but instead I went the scenic route, which, as always, takes a lot longer and is never scenic.

In the last month or so, three men left posts they had held for between 20 and 30 years. Most people think these stories are unrelated, but not me. Here are my predictions for the next year:

Jerry Sloan will become president of Egypt. He will fix the country’s economy by using the “Pick and Roll.” Despite the fact that everyone understands the philosophy of the “Pick and Roll,” no one quite gets how it works so effectively. But it does, time and time again.

Regis Philbin will take over as head coach of the Utah Jazz and will be flummoxed by the fact that everyone on the team is, in fact, already a millionaire. He will call a friend, who will convince him to bring in a lifeline in the way of an aging Chauncey Billups, but that doesn’t work and he will be fired and replaced by Meredith Viera, who is also coaching the Lakers but nobody seems to mind.

Finally, coming soon to ABC: “Live with Kelly and Mubarak”! They will banter about life in the Big Apple, where you go for the best bagel and what is the best way to oppress a people for more than 30 years without being invaded by the world’s superpowers!

Speaking of Mubarak, is that not the epitome of staying at the party for too long? I’ll bet all of his friends knew that he and Egypt were about to break up, but Mubarak just wouldn’t listen to reason. “No no, Egypt loves me and I love Egypt, nothing will ever come between us.” He really believed it too. Must have been tough to be a friend of Mubarak and listen to him talk about how Egypt is taking lessons from a male tennis instructor, and how Egypt doesn’t own a raquet but rents one from the instructor. But now that Egypt broke up with him, he can’t handle it. Now he’s blaming outside sources. It’s not Egypt who is breaking up with me, it’s “international pressures,” and “I will not submit to any international pressures.” I see the future for Mubarak and Egypt, and it has “restraining order” written all over it.

“I feel like I let the city of Pittsburgh down – the fans, my coaches, my teammates. It’s not a good feeling.” The words of Ben Roethlisberger after Superbowl XLV.

“I’d like to begin by expressing gratitude to the thorough investigation process in Georgia. The prosecutor’s decision not to bring charges, I know without a doubt, is the right conclusion. I don’t intend to discuss any details related to the events of Georgia. I’m happy to put this behind me and move forward. I’m truly sorry for the disappointment and negative attention I brought to my family, my teammates, coaches, the Rooneys and the NFL.” The words of Ben Roethlisberger after the court in Georgia decided not to press charges.

After losing a football game, Big Ben apologized immediately. After (allegedly) assaulting a 20-year-old girl, Big Ben thanked the courts for not pressing charges before he apologized. Ben, you certainly “let the city of Pittsburgh down” – but how you played in Superbowl XLV was not a factor in that at all.

Someone brought up Michael Vick, and how I give him a pass but I don’t do the same for Roethlisberger. I say – Michael Vick went to prison, served his time, paid his dues and is now trying to be a better person by working with the Humane Society and talking to inner-city kids. Roethlisberger’s punishment was a six-game suspension that was reduced to four games. Vick also served a two-game suspension after signing his deal with the Eagles. Oh but Big Ben had to answer questions throughout the season from members of the media about what happened in Georgia. So that must have been really hard on him.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I do not like Roethlisberger. I like the Steelers, with the exception of him. I have a man-crush on Mike Tomlin. I think Troy Polamalu is awesome. Max Starks and Mike Pouncey are Gators. The organization, from the owner to the coaches to (most of) the players, are solid. But Roethlisberger is another matter. He always seemed arrogant. Riding his motorcycle without a helmet. The girl in Lake Tahoe. The girl in Georgia. All of those actions said “I’m better than everyone else,” which didn’t seem very Steeler-esque.

Maybe he was always this way, but we didn’t really know about it because he went to Miami of Ohio. Even his early years with the Steelers, he was kind of in the background, allowing Cowher, Bettis, et al. to serve as the face of the franchise. My guess, however, is that he wasn’t always that way, but the early success he and his team had went to his head. He started to think he was invincible, that he deserved to get everything and anything he wanted. He reached the top, then was knocked down because of his own actions. Now he is saying all the right things, but that won’t mean much unless he does all the right things.

Big Ben has shown himself to be a giant d-bag. But then I read the words of someone who has been through worse than Roethlisberger:

“I hope to leave a legacy that kid scan look back on and say, ‘ok here’s a guy who rose to the top, fell dramatically and rose again. And despite everything that he went through he had the ability ot keep pressing forward, stay persistent and make the most out of a bad situation that he created.’ The only thing I hope is that people give me the opportunity when they look back and say, ‘ok here’s a guy who made a mistake and bounced back from it.’ I hope they give me the benefit of the doubt at the end of the day because God gave me a second chance, and I think everybody else should.”

You know who said that? Michael Vick. And he’s right. Everyone deserves a second chance, even giant d-bags like Roethlisberger. So here is your second chance Ben, not just from me but from every NFL fan everywhere. For our sake, for your sake – don’t screw it up.

Watching Community from last week, I remember how much fun Dungeons and Dragons was.

Yes, I played. And I had fun. So suck it.

Earlier this week, Howard Stern talked about a poll in either the NY Daily News or the NY Post, and although I can’t remember what the question in the poll was, there were three options, one being yes to the question, one being no to the question, the other “I Don’t Know.” Eight perent of the responders hit “I Don’t Know.” Howard thought it was ludicrous that people didn’t know how they felt about this issue. I think a) it’s nuts that “I Don’t Know” was an answer, usually polls go with “I Don’t Care” as the third option, and 2) if people don’t know how they feel about a certain issue, why do they feel the need to even respond to the poll? What a monumental waste of time.

The fact that “Miley Cyrus Gets Tattoo No. 5” is news disturbs me.

I’m not sure who I am pulling for in Superbowl XLV. I am not a huge fan of Roethlisberger, even though he’s a heck of a quarterback, but I like Mike Tomlin and the Steelers organization. And if the Steelers win, Big Ben will have as many Superbowl victories as Tom Brady. I like Brady more than I like Roethlisberger, despite Mr. Gisele’s haircut.

I do like Rodgers and Charles Woodson (my favorite Heisman winner of all time) and the other Packers, and if the Packers win then Rodgers will have as many Superbowl victories as Brett Fav-ruh, who I always thought was kind of overrated as a quarterback. And also a bit of a douche. So if Rodgers is tied with Fav-ruh in Superbowl wins, that seems like as good a reason as any to pull for a team. So I guess I am rooting for the Packers.

We can all rest easy now, knowing who I am pulling for in Superbowl XLV. Go Pack Go!

I joined twitter the other day. Not really sure why. I think it’s because Howard Stern said he was joining. I wish there was a much more involved reason for signing up, but I’m pretty sure that’s about it. As I was in the process of signing up, I liked the idea of twitter – I could send tweets to famous people and they would read them and find them witty, funny and charming. Then we would become the best of friends.

Then I made the mistake of joining twitter. Yes, I have responded to tweets of famous people. I crafted witty, funny and charming tweets and sent them to said famous people. To this date, I have not received one single response from any of them. Ok, ego bruised.

I didn’t know how people got followers on twitter, but I soon realized that by sending tweets to famous people, others see the tweets and realize how witty, funny and charming they are, and then follow you. In the first couple days, I picked up 11 followers! How exciting.

I now have four.

Apparently, twitterers follow and unfollow about as often as Lindsay Lohan goes in and out of rehab.

See? Witty, funny and charming.

So not only am I not best friends with any famous people, I also am losing followers faster than Mubarak. I mean, 11 followers isn’t even a lot to begin with, but now I have four?! I’ll admit, that stings a little.

But I am American, so I will not give up. I will still send tweets, I will still imagine that a famous person will see how witty, funny and charming I am, and I will still believe that at some point we will become the best of friends.

And if that doesn’t work out, there’s always Facebook.

It must be really difficult to be a dog when it snows. My dog has the hardest time finding a place to do his business. He is used to grass and bushes and trees, but when it snows, all he has is white and cold. He gets very confused, going to places he usually uses, pauses like he’s going to handle his business, looks up at me accusingly, like I did something to cause this white cold stuff, then keeps going to try and find a spot.

I feel a little guilty finding the whole ordeal hilarious.

He also is very sensitive after a haircut, especially in the caboosal area. Our theory is that once the hair is gone from that area, he feels wind hitting it, he feels cold hitting it, and it really bothers him. He has to do the butt-wipe walk constantly to try and make himself feel better.

I feel a little guilty finding the whole ordeal hilarious.

My dog has a great life. He is well taken care of and very loved. He is treated like a member of the family, which he is. So when something happens that makes me laugh, I feel a little guilty finding the whole ordeal hilarious, but then I think screw him, he is better taken care of than I am.

It bothers me to no end when people do not clean snow off their cars. I actually saw a car, fully covered by snow, driven by a man who looked to be in his 40s, and he did not seem embarrassed at all to show what a lazy douche he was. That infuriated me. I think that if I have to clean off my car, everyone has to clean theirs. Besides that, everyone does have to do it, because it’s the damn law! It is a pain in the ass to clean off the cars, I fully understand that, probably more than many people because I actually clean off my car.

As I was throwing a ball to my dog, I was thinking about how happy he was to run after said ball, retrieve it and run back to me. For a minute I thought, man, this is why we are the superior race, because we don’t do things like that. Then I thought, wait a minute, how is what my dog is doing any different from me throwing a football with my dad, running out for a pass and then throwing or running the ball right back to him? Then I thought of my dog’s life, how he hangs out all day, sleeps when and where he wants, gets me to take him out no matter what the weather, and then I thought, damn, who’s the superior in this situation?

West Wing is a tremendous show. As is Sports Night. Sports Night is still my favorite show of all-time. The ABC executives who thought that a laugh track was needed for SN obviously didn’t understand Aaron Sorkin and his writing style. He doesn’t need a laugh track. With all the sitcoms now that do not use laugh tracks (The Office, Community, Modern Family, etc.), I wonder if we can trace that back to Aaron Sorkin and Sports Night. As good as the show was, it became much better when the laugh track disappeared. West Wing also has hilarious moments, lines that make me laugh out loud, and it certainly didn’t need a laugh track. I think a) American people are smart enough to know when they are supposed to laugh, and 2) isn’t the laugh track kind of un-American, telling us we have to laugh at this particular moment? I think Tea Partiers are inherently against the laugh track. They are big fans of “I’ll do it because I want to, not because you tell me to.”

The King’s Speech is an amazing movie. A must-see. I think it should win every Oscar it was nominated for. Of course, I haven’t seen any of the other nominees, but that’s besides the point. Go see The King’s Speech. You won’t be disappointed. No matter what Robin Quivers says.

I was never a Rick Sanchez fan. To be honest though, I never watched his show. To be even more honest, I have never watched CNN. Although I visit its website pretty much daily. The only Rich Sanchez video I ever watched was through The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. I was never impressed with the clips that I saw, but in Sanchez’s defense, none of the clips from TDS painted him in a favorable light.

Although Sanchez seemed like a bit of a tool, he didn’t seem like a total moron. That is, until he went on SIRIUS-XM Radio to do a show with Pete Dominick. There, he called Stewart a “bigot,” said the people running CNN were just like Stewart and basically said that Jewish people were not an oppressed minority.

First things first – has no one learned anything from Mel Gibson? If you work in Hollywood/the Media, and you truly believe that Jewish people run Hollywood/the Media, why would you make unflattering remarks about Jewish people, i.e. your bosses? Gibson did that, and more, and basically ruined his career. Sanchez, it seems, has traveled in Mad Max’s footsteps.

But the most interesting part of Sanchez’s comments was when he proclaimed: “elite, Northeastern liberals…deep down, when they look at a guy like me, they see a guy automatically who belongs in the second tier, and not the top tier.”

Sanchez’s dislike of Jewish-Northeastern-Liberals-Who-Run-CNN stems from the fact that he can’t believe that someone doesn’t like him. He looks at Jon Stewart making fun of him on TDS, and he immediately assumes it’s because he’s Hispanic. He sees his low ratings (admittedly I have no idea what his ratings were, but since I never watched him, I’m going to assume they were low – my blog, my rules), and he thinks that people are not watching him because he’s Hispanic. His bosses at CNN probably never gave him the backing he wanted because in his mind, you guessed it, he’s Hispanic.

I was always a LeBron James fan. Not a die-hard fan, pulling for the Cavaliers just because he was on the team, but he always seemed likeable. He made funny commercials and he was an amazing player. I liked that he racked up assists even while scoring 20+ a game. So when I heard that he was going to have a show on ESPN where he was “interviewed” by Jim Gray, I, like many others, simply assumed he was signing with Cleveland again. Because, you know, who would stab a team in the back on national tv like that?

Apparently LeBron James would. Listen, I have no beef with him signing with the Heat. If he wants to play with two of his good friends, more power to them all. Does it take away a bit from thinking of LeBron as an Alpha-player? Of course. Even if the Heat win, it will be Dwyane Wade’s team. When Kobe felt that the Lakers weren’t doing enough to put a winning team around him, he told them get something going or trade me. The Lakers, thanks to Grizzlies’ GM Chris Wallace, picked up Pau Gasol and the rest was history. Kobe was happy, he stuck around and got his championships.

In LeBron’s case, he never made that ultimatum. The Cavs did what they thought was best to make a Championship team around him, bringing in Mo Williams, Shaq, Anthony Parker, Antwan Jamison, etc. Although it didn’t work out, you could see the team was doing everything it could to make LeBron happy.

Then we came to “The Decision.” The decision to do “The Decision” was possibly one of the worst decisions in the history of decision making. Whoever was advising LeBron, Maverick Carter or whoever, did not seem to realize that going with another team after an hour long “interview” was akin to breaking up with your girlfriend on national tv. Perhaps LeBron and his advisors have never had to break up with someone, or had someone break up with them. Regardless, there is a certain method to how an athlete should leave a team. You have a press conference, you say very nice things about the former team, how much you loved playing in the city of former team, how hard the decision was to leave former team, but in the end this was best for you and your family. Blah Blah Blah. It’s the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech for athletes.

LeBron didn’t do that. LeBron decided to break up with Cleveland on national tv. He broke up with Cleveland for a younger, hotter team. It was a debacle. LeBron and his advisors probably knew that Cleveland fans would be upset, but they probably didn’t take into account that all the other fans would be upset. Howard Stern can say what he wants about how LeBron didn’t owe Cleveland anything, but Stern doesn’t get it. Cleveland fans were angry he left, certainly, but they were more angry as to how he left. The rest of the fans were just angry with how he left. It was a douche-move.

So how does this apply to the Rick Sanchez situation? Recently, LeBron and Maverick Carter went on CNN. Not Rick Sanchez’s show. That might have brought Sanchez ratings. Soledad O’Brien asked LeBron if race played a role in people’s reaction to “The Decision.” Lebron said, “I think so at times. It’s always, you know, a factor.” ESPN’s J.A. Adande wrote a column about LeBron and race and basically said that because the NBA had predominantly black players on teams owned by predominantly white owners, race would be a factor.

Here is where Sanchez, LeBron and Adande all fall into the same trap. Race is not always a factor. Just because there are different races involved in any given situation does not necessarily mean race was a factor. Just because most of the players are black and most of the owners are white doesn’t mean race is a factor. All of the WNBA players are women and most of the WNBA owners are men – does that mean sexism is always a factor? Of course not. Jon Stewart and the writers of TDS criticized and poked fun of Rick Sanchez because they were not impressed with the work he did. His race had nothing to do with it. LeBron was criticized and poked fun of because his decision to do “The Decision” was a horrible decision and he came across like a jerk.

Both situations remind me of the banter between Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson in Die Hard: With A Vengance. Willis’ John McClane accuses Jackson’s Zeus of not liking him because he’s white. Zeus retorts, “I don’t like you because you’re gonna get me killed.”

Sanchez, James and Adande are not going to get us killed. But they don’t seem to grasp the idea that it’s ok to not like someone regardless of what race they are, and that is killing us.

If there was a television show with an Australian surrounded by Americans, would the world end? Would our minds be blown? That must be the case, because everytime an Australian actor does an American television show, that actor uses an American accent.

Would it really change the story if Simon Baker was Australian, in any of the many TV shows he has been in, including the phenomenal The Mentalist?

What if Alex O’Loughlin was an Australian working with Hawaiian police in Hawaii in Hawaii-50? Would we turn away from the show? Do we hate Australians? I didn’t get that memo.

While we’re on the subject, why is CBS so obsessed with Alex O’Loughlin? I watched Hawaii-50, and I enjoyed it. I will continue to watch it. But I don’t really see what is so great about Alex O’Loughlin. Sure, I can admit he’s a good looking guy, but the show is good primarily because of Scott Caan. Caan is absolutely hilarious – steals every scene. O’Loughlin is ok, but you could replace him with any number of actors and the show would be the same. Take away Caan, and the show is not nearly as good.

Plus, the only reason I wanted to watch the show in the first place was because of Daniel Dae Kim. I wonder when Sun is going to re-join him on the island?

I’m getting sidetracked – the point is, what would be the problem with having an Australian actor use an Australian accent while in an American television show? Does Hollywood believe that there are no Australians in America, working and living while still talking about putting their shrimps on the barbi? I’ll admit, I don’t hear the Australian accent every day, but I would assume there are some Aussies here in the States.

I just think there is a major anti-Australian attidude in Hollywood, and it has to end. The only time Hugh Jackman ever was able to use his real accent was when he was in the movie Australia. But fellow Aussie Nicole Kidman had to use a British accent. In a movie about Australia, called Australia, an Australian had to use a British accent.

Hollywood, that’s just hurtful. Crocodile Dundee did not show us what a real knife is so that we could turn around and use that knife to cut his accent away from him.

Although, Mel Gibson is Australian. He hates Hollywood. Even badmouthed Hollywood a bit. Then he badmouthed every race and religion he could. Maybe Hollywood is taking its revenge on all Australians. Isn’t the fact that Gibson’s career is over enough?