Category: Uncategorized

President Barack Obama is one crafty SOB.

Not many people are aware of this, but the president has already started his re-election campaign. Many pundits are claiming that his chances of winning in 2012 are bleak because of recent decisions he has made (or not made). These so called “pundits” are more “pun” than “dits,” because the joke is on them. Mr. Obama is not only setting himself up to remain in office, he is also planting the seeds for Democrats to take back the House of Representatives and increase their hold on the Senate. He is doing this under the auspices of “making mistakes” or “giving in to Republican/Tea Party wishes.” But these are carefully crafted strategies that Mr. Obama has put together that will ensure his re-election in 2012. President Barack Obama is indeed one crafty SOB.

During Obama’s three major policy creations, commentators, politicians and voters have criticized the President for not doing enough. Their argument was that he gave too much to the Republicans. He changed his mind to appease those in the middle, the so-called “independents.” He wanted too much bipartisanship. Instead of being a leader and just telling people what to do and how to do it, Obama brought in different opinions and tried to put together policies that truly fit America and its melting pot of people. Apparently, many were upset that he wanted to be President and not Dictator. Republicans, on the other hand, were gleeful that they were foiling Obama’s plan of making the country better.

But what the Republicans did not know is that they were playing right into Obama’s hands. Each time he came up against a Republican roadblock while creating policy, Obama gave a little (a lot) and got back a lot (a little). He was roundly criticized for his unwillingness to make a stand and fight harder for what he wanted. But this was all a part of his nefarious plan to remain in office. Obama gave up on the public option on his health care plan because he would rather have some form of universal health care coverage than none at all. He extended Bush’s tax cuts for two years to make sure that unemployment benefits continued. He again allowed Bush’s tax cuts to stay in place while giving in to Republican (Tea Party) demands that the government cut back on spending in order to raise the debt ceiling.

Each one of these situations has a common theme. Obama has policies he wants to put into place that he feels will make the country better. Republicans fight him on these policies, using key moments to make their stand (unemployment benefits in 2010 and debt ceiling in 2011, to name two). Obama is put between a rock and a hard place and decides to back down on his wishes so that the country survives. Pundits left and right cry out that he is weak and that he is not a leader.

But Obama knows better. He is setting up his campaign strategy to be one of, “I stood in the way of terrible Republican policies and made sure that America kept running. I tried to work with Republicans but they would not work with me. Republicans put their own interests ahead of the country, but not me.” His actions could move Democrats ahead of Republicans on the “we are trying to make America better” pedestal. Obama is taking the hits now because he is willing to sacrifice a small amount of pain to stay in office and put his fellow Democrats back in power.

In a rare moment of honesty from a politician, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell once said that “The single most important thing we want to achieve is for President Obama to be a one-term president.” So how can Republicans stop Obama’s dastardly plan to win re-election? Simply put, they must allow Obama to make all the policy changes he wants. Bush’s tax cuts? Gone. Public option health care? Signed, sealed and delivered. Republicans feel that Obama’s policies will ruin America; what better way to get him out of office than to let him shoot himself in the foot?

So you see, Obama’s re-election strategy is win-win. Either he uses Republican’s unwillingness to work with him as a way to get them out of office, or they let all is policies come to fruition as a way to show the American public that Obama is not good for America.

To paraphrase Messrs. Mike D, MCA and Ad-Rock, Obama’s crafty, and he’s just my type.

John Galliano said he doesn’t remember ever praising Hitler or saying “people like you (Jewish) would be dead,” because he says he was drunk and drugged up beyond belief.

Galliano’s defense of “it wasn’t me, it was the drugs” reminds me of Dr. Richard Kimball’s defense of “it wasn’t me, it was the one-armed man,” in that both are fictional.

His defense does shed light onto how far have we have come as a world when dealing with race issues. The way I look at it, nothing says progress more than the fact that Galliano would rather be perceived as an alcoholic, junkie degenerate than a racist.

Fifty years ago, he would have been an alcoholic, junkie degenerate AND a racist, and he would not mind at all that people perceived him that way. Now he wants us all to believe that he is absolutely NOT a racist, he just can’t stay away from drugs or alcohol. In his mind, it is more socially acceptable to be an alcoholic junkie than a racist.

Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

His other reason for why he is not racist is that he is gay, so he “knows how it feels to be discriminated against.” That is probably true, but being discriminated against does not stop people from discriminating against others. In fact, being discriminated against may actually lead people to discriminating against others. Like the child who was abused growing up to abuse his/her own kids.

I am reminded of an experience that I had in third grade. I was going to a new school in a new neighborhood, so I was understandably nervous. I didn’t know anyone, no one knew me. I walked into class, looked around nervously, and a girl, let’s call her Sally, said: “You can sit here next to me.”

It was incredibly nice of her. She certainly did not have to do that, but she welcomed me with open arms and made me feel like I wasn’t the new kid. I repaid her kindness by doing the exact opposite to her.

See, I came to find out later that Sally was not one of the cool kids; she was one of the kids the cool kids picked on. I was also one of the kids the cool kids picked on. So when the cool kids made fun of her while I was with them, I of course joined in and teased her with the others. It didn’t matter that they teased me as well. I wanted to make them think I was like them, not like her.

I believe my experience can be applied to groups as well. There is always a group that is discriminated against. In America, first it was the Native Americans, then African Americans (who face bigotry even today), then the Jews (ditto), then Irish, Italians and Polish, then Asians, now Muslims and Gays.

Just as I joined the cool kids in teasing Sally, so will discriminated groups discriminate against other discriminated groups.

I know a lot about this subject, because I am a member of the most discriminated group, the White American Males. We are the most discriminated group, in that we are not discriminated against. Which isn’t fair at all – we deserve to be discriminated against just like everyone else!

But no, it’s always about the blacks and the Jews, the two finalists in: “Who’s Been Discriminated Against The Longest,” (coming this Fall on FOX). Yet for some reason, many black people don’t like Jewish people. Many Irish, Italians and Polish don’t seem to like Jews either. And don’t even get me started on how they feel about the Gays.

OK, you got me started.

I remember watching an episode of The Daily Show where they showed a clip of a black woman saying that she didn’t think gays should have the right to get married, and she is certainly not alone in that thought. There are Irish, Italians, Polish and even Muslims who feel that way. Why would these groups, who themselves were discriminated against, who were told that they weren’t good enough, who were not even treated like normal people, then turn around and treat others the way they were treated?

I guess they were doing to others what was done to them.

We have come a long way, though we have a long way to go. If any silver lining comes from Galliano’s situation, it’s that he does not want to be perceived as a racist. The baby steps we are taking as a nation and a world have brought us to a point where being a racist is thought to be worse than being an alcoholic junkie.

See? Progress!

I am a Democrat and a bleeding heart liberal, but it doesn’t mean that I only toe the company line. There are a few things I agree with Republicans on.

For example, I also didn’t think we should have committed troops to getting rid of a crazy, maniacal dictator who suppresses his people but whose country holds oil up the yin-yang.

And yet, we still sent forces into Iraq.

I know Republicans are really worked up about raising the debt ceiling, but I really don’t care one way or the other. In my defense, at least I’m consistent. I also didn’t care when Bush raised the debt ceiling seven times.

I guess raising the debt ceiling is like telling a joke over and over again. It’s always funny the first seven times, but it loses its humor the eighth go-around.

I wonder if Republicans know that Ronald Reagan tripled the national debt, that Elder Bush doubled the national debt and that Younger Bush added four trillion to the national debt and raised the debt ceiling seven times. Good thing Republicans don’t, because otherwise those three might be voted off Conservative Island.

Michele Bachmann scares me (not just because of her politics). She has the crazy eyes. I can’t watch her on television for more than a few minutes (not just because of her politics). I feel her eyes watching me.

If I have learned anything from Barney Stinson, it’s that we always should steer clear of women with the crazy eyes.

I am fascinated by this couple in Israel who named their daughter “Like.” I don’t like it, but I’m fascinated by it. The joke I made on Facebook (where the idea to name the girl “Like” came from), is that the first thing the kid did was to unfriend her parents.

I was joking, but no one can tell me that this kid is going to be happy with the name. First off, only celebrities are allowed to get away with giving their kids ridiculous names. Sure, the kids will have horrendous names, but they’ll be rich.

Secondly, what are the parents going to say when the child asks them why they named her “Like”? Let’s go through that conversation:

Like: Mommy, where did I get my name from?
Like’s Mom: Well honey, as you know, your father and I spend 99.9 percent of our waking hours on our computers, so we knew that our children’s names would have something to do with our love for the internet. Your father wanted to name you “Waiverwire” and I originally wanted to call you either “Onlinediscount” or “Freeshipping,” but in the end we decided that since we both love going on this website called Facebook, your name should have something to do with that. Facebook has a feature called the “Like” button, and that’s where your name came from.
Like: But why can’t I have a normal name, like all my other friends?
Like’s Mom: Well honey because you are special. Your brother Retweet doesn’t have a problem with his name.

It’s one thing to name your child “Like,” which is what will be, like, coming out of her mouth like every other word, but it’s quite another thing to name your child “Like” because of a feature on Facebook. Really? Facebook? I hope and pray that when your child does ask you where she got her name, that you lie and tell her it’s because you like everyone and you knew everyone would like her. Otherwise, she will very likely be supporting some therapist’s family when she’s older.

I don’t think anyone would like that. Except, of course, the therapist.

People think it’s weird that the Libyan leader has multiple spellings of his name, but I say it’s genius. When he gets captured, he’ll say “you’ve got the wrong guy! you’re looking for Gadhafi – I’m Gaddafi. That other guy is a real douche.” Then if he gets caught again, he’ll say “I’m not Gadhafi, I’m Khaddafi! Who told you to look for Gadhafi? Oh man, that Gaddafi is such a prankster. You’re actually looking for Qaddafi.” Then cut to an American solidier eating a candy bar, and the voiceover says “not overthrowing a dictator for a while? Eat a Snickers!”

You can’t tell me that it’s not all about the Gators. Even the NCAA Selection Committee thinks the Gators are what America is watching. Thanks to the Gators’ win tonight, they now face either UCLA or Michigan State on Saturday. UF beat UCLA twice en route to consecutive nat’l champs, in the finals in 2005-06 and in the Final Four in 2006-07. Florida lost to MSU in Billy D’s first Finals appearance but won last year when the Spartans were ranked No. 2 in the nation.

If they happen to win their next game, the Gators could face BYU and Jimmer Fredette. Last year, BYU took down Florida in double overtime in the first round of the NCAA Tournament. Should they prove victorious in that contest, Florida could face Kansas State, which fell to the Gators earlier this season when KSU was ranked No. 6 in the country.

I know the NCAA Selection Committee likes to make pairings that create story lines, but all of that seems a bit much, unless it is as I claim, that it’s all about the Gators!

Okay people. I know we have discussed this before, but apparently some of you weren’t listening. Because I still see you making the same mistakes you made before, and there is no reason for that. We have been over this and over this, and I expect better from all of you.

I am speaking, of course, of public bathroom etiquette. Many people have written about the unwritten rules of public restrooms, which means that the rules are no longer unwritten, which means the must be followed!

Rule 1: Wash your hands, especially if you use the stall. I’m fairly certain that was never an unwritten rule. In fact, it shouldn’t even have to be a rule. A) it’s courteous and 2) it’s just common-freaking-sense. This goes further than thinking your S doesn’t stink – not washing your hands means you think your S isn’t even S. If you are going No. 1, you should wash your hands as well, but if you don’t, we will not look at you with the same level of disgust as when you don’t wash your hands after using the stall.

Rule 2: If you are going No. 1 while in a stall, and you happen to have a little splatter, clean it up. Again, shouldn’t even be a rule. A) it’s courteous and 2) it’s common-freaking-sense.

Rule 3: Flush. Fairly simple concept. Also shouldn’t even be a rule, because A) it’s courteous and 2) it’s common-freaking-sense.

Rule 4: If possible, when using a urinal make sure you give yourself at least one urinal between you and anyone else using a urinal. If not possible, make sure you keep eyes either on the wall or looking into the urinal.

Rule 4(a): Rule 2 also applies when using a stall. Whenever possible, make sure one empty stall is between you and another stall-user. This applies to both men and women.

NOTE: My wife, who is a woman, assures me that this rule is more often than not followed by her sex.

Rule 5: There is never a reason to be on your cell phone while using urinal or stall. In fact, cell phones should never be used while at the urinal. The only time a cell phone can be used in a public restroom is if you are in a stall, and that is only for playing video games and/or using the internet.

You would think the use of a cell phone in a public restroom would never happen, but sadly, it does. Quite often, as it turns out. What possible conversation is so important that you can’t tell the other person that you need to take a break? Do you tell the other person what you are doing? Why even take or make a phone call if you know that you have to use the bathroom shortly?

Rule 6: Use your hands to guide the stream while using a urinal. You might think that you can go “look ma, no hands” style, but I assure you, your aim isn’t as good as you think it is.

Rule 7: Talking incessantly to other people in the restroom while using urinal or in stall is frowned upon. If you decide to disregard this rule, understand that the other person is allowed to answer in grunts and/or one-word sentences.

Rule 8: Make sure the paper towels you use to dry yourself are placed in the trash can. Not on the floor, not in the sink, not on the counter top – in the trash can. If you want to pretend your Michael Jordan and go with the fade-away shot, be prepared to meekly go and pick up the paper when it lands on the floor. I’m pretty sure your mother wouldn’t even pick that up for you, and the cleaning staff is not your mother.

The other day, while in a fairly large public restroom, a man decided to use the urinal right next to me despite the fact that there were many open urinals all over the room, including on the opposite side of the wall. Then he proceeded to place his elbows on the top of the dividers to either side of his urinal, including the one inbetween the urinal where I was and his.

Rule 9: Break two rules at one time, you lose your public restroom privileges for a week.

A few days later, I walk into a public restroom and I hear someone talking. At first I think I am hearing something from outside, but then I realize that someone is in the stall, talking on his cell phone. As I am finishing my business at the urinal, the man comes out of the stall (still on the phone), and walks right out of the restroom. Doesn’t flush, doesn’t wash his hands and was talking on his phone.

Rule 10: Break three or more rules at one time, banned from public restrooms for the rest of your life, with the exception of port-a-potties, because they are disgusting already no matter what you do to (or in) them.

In honor of the Oscars, here is a joke I came up with. All by myself. No writers or anything. Just me.

A comedian tweeted: “Difference btween men+woman during sex? Men=going to a party. Women=having a party at their house and worried about spills.”

Amusing, right? But wait, that wasn’t the joke. Here’s what I sent him (the actual aforementioned joke):

Difference between men and women during sex? Men are happy just to be nominated. Women want the award.

Boom! Funny, clever, true and topical! Four-tool joke! The comedian who originally tweeted did not respond. Screw all of his followers who sent him not-as-funny jokes, because they caused him to miss the best one – mine!

Back to the Oscars! It’s a big deal. Huge event. Not just for celebrities attending and the nominees, but also for those of us watching at home. Much more fun for the latter group, because we can make fun of everyone and everything that happens during the show!

I unfortunately missed half of the Oscars beause of work. But I give you a timeline of what I did from the time I left work until the end of the broadcast.

7:30pm: leave event. Not thrilled that I am going to have driven four hours to work for three. Especially since I’m missing the opening of the Oscars. Not that I am expecting a lot from Hathaway/Franco, but it could be a win-win for us viewers. Either it’s a train wreck and fun to talk about, or it’s funny and fun to talk about. Stupid work.

8:02: pass a cop car on side of the road. Speedometer says I’m going 76 (in a 65), GPS says I’m going 73. I decide to stick with GPS. Trying to figure out what I would say to cop if I get pulled over. “You see officer, ever since Watson dominated Jeopardy, I figure computers are taking over so I may as well listen to my GPS.”

8:07: call parents, they are hosting an Oscar party. Mom is dumbfounded that the male A-list stars are all short. Her friend informs her proudly that George Clooney really is 6-2! I’m sure his mother is very proud. Well, at least someone’s mother is proud.

8:24: pass another cop, this time don’t even pretend to slow, as I have my “GPS told me I was going 73” arguement ready to go. slow down one minute later when I remember that a GPS sent Michael Scott and Dwight Shrute into a lake, and also my argument is ridiculous.

8:30: Oscars start. I am still at least an hour away. Now listening to Geektime. Not really sure why.

9:30: make it home in one piece. Hungry, so going to eat leftover fajitas. But my wife tells me James Franco is in a dress. Gotta check that out. That was mildly amusing – saw the Charlie Sheen joke coming a mile away. Still, it made me chuckle. That dude is insane. I hear Gaddafi thinks Sheen is a genius and is now suing Libya for 320 million. Maybe we could get Gaddafi to take over for Sheen on Two and a Half Men.

9:40: no surprise, Christian Bale wins Best Supporting Actor. Didn’t see The Fighter, my wife went to see it with her folks without me, then proceeded to tell me over and over again how good it was. Bale gives a website a free plug, hears a few boos in the audience. So it’s ok to promote the maker of whatever dress/tux you’re wearing, but you can’t give out a website? Seems a little double-standardy.

10:00: doing stuff for work, watching Oscars and listening to my wife at the same time. Who says men can’t multitask? Wait, what did my wife just say? Backtracking in my head to figure it out. Crap, what were we just talking about? Hathaway just made a joke about her screw ups being a drinking game – wife is distracted by that. Saved!

10:30: don’t understand how Christopher Nolan wasn’t nominated for Best Director. I haven’t seen Inception, but I’ve heard it’s amazing, and it received Best Picture nomination. I would say the Oscars hates British people, but The King’s Speech won damn near everything.

11:00: really like how the Oscars did the “those who are gone” segment. Instead of having those embarrassing moments where the former make-up artist whom no one has ever heard of gets very little in the way of applause while well-known actors who passed away are cheered, they have Celine Dion singing to ensure that no one claps until the whole montage is over. Genius move on the Academy’s part, and long overdue.

11:30: Natalie Portman looks amazing. Wow. I thought she was great in Beautiful Girls, and she has only gotten better. Probably not going to see Black Swan – seems a little dark for my tastes. I don’t get to see many movies, so when I do, I certainly don’t want to be depressed. That would be a giant waste of the 100 dollars it costs per movie viewing. But back to Portman, if you just look at her face, she doesn’t even look pregnant. Which makes me think that perhaps she is not as unhealthily skinny as some other Hollywood stars are.

Midnight: Oscars finally end. I think the Oscars is the Left Coast’s revenge on the East Coast for every sporting event being based on East Coast time. For us, it’s midnight. For them, it’s 9:00 p.m. That’s not fair. I don’t care that the first slate of NFL games starts at 10:00 a.m. on a Sunday in California. King’s Speech was the only movie I saw of the nominees, and it was amazing. Would have been cool if Inception won though. Might have been enough to convince my wife to see it with me.

Recap: Oscars are fun to watch, but exhausting because it ends so late. My wife feels that the day after the Super Bowl should be a national holiday, and I agree, but I think it should be the same for the Oscars. I’m pretty sure that’s what all those people in Wisconsin are protesting.

Gadhafi blames Bin Laden for the revolution in Libya. I’ll be honest, I never figured that when he kept talking about “foreign intelligence services,” he was actually referring to al Qaeda. Does he think that somehow America will be on his side now? Like we’re going go with the “enemy of my enemy is my friend” philosophy?
Ahmadinejad says Egyptians and Libyans are right to throw off their oppressors. He apparently doesn’t feel the same way for Iranians. Does he think that we don’t know he’s oppressing is own people? Maybe he thinks we listen to what he says but don’t know anything about what he does. I wonder if he’s even heard of the internet.

I think the problem with both these guys are their yes-men. Although I’m not quite sure what other answer Gadhafi or Ahmadinejad would accept that would allow the yes-men to remain alive.

With all the craziness going on this week, unrest in the Midwest, lack of peace in the Middle East, NBA trades up the yin-yang, it’s easy to confuse stories. For example, Libya just sent Gadhafi, a 2011 protected first round pick and 1 mil in cash to Iran for Ahmadinejad and the Tea Party traded Palin, Bachmann, Glenn Beck, two first-rounders and cash to the Republicans for Huckabee.

Wait, what are we talking about again?

For non-celebrities, such as myself, if someone follows us on twitter, are we required to follow them back? If it’s not required, is it considered poor form not to follow them? If you do not follow someone who follows you, how long do they need follow you before dropping you because you were the jerk who didn’t follow them back?

So far I have had three celebrities, well one celebrity and two Sports Illustrated writers, but for the purposes of this blog I will refer to them as celebrities, respond to my tweets. So I got that going for me. Which is nice. One thing I notice about twitter, celebrities are just as funny as the rest of us, in that more often than not they aren’t really funny.

Which is kind of funny.

According to dictionary.com, one of the definitions of Factoid is: “something fictitious or unsubstantiated that is presented as fact, devised especially to gain publicity and accepted because of constant repetition.”

What that means is that the word Factoid is itself a Factoid.

Which is also funny.

I should be a celebrity – I think I have just a high a percentage of funny to unfunny posts as anyone famous.

After watching part of LeBron’s “Decision,” I thought to myself, “man that is just about the douchiest thing that any player could do. He just broke up with his girlfriend of seven years, Cleveland, on national television. Nothing could ever top this monstrosity of douchiness.”

Famous last words on my part, because we have a new Douche Challenger: Carmelo Anthony!!

Carmelo’s wife, LaLa Vasquez, the former MTV veejay, allegedly wanted to move to LA or New York so that she could further her career. So Carmelo asked for a trade. I didn’t agree with his request at the time – he was on a good team that just two years prior was in the Western Conference Finals. I can’t think of any other reason why Carmelo would want to leave the Nuggets, so I’m going to go on the assumption that it was because of his wife. Which I think is ridiculous. I would never make a career move like that because of LaLa Vasquez. Mostly because my wife won’t let me.

But Carmelo only wanted to go to only to teams in LA or New York. Which began a nine-month ordeal where Carmelo went through the motions during games, the team was in limbo, other players were involved in trade talk, until finally he got his wish and was sent to the Knicks.

So let’s go to the tape.

LeBron’s “Decision” was an awful stab in the back to Cleveland, a city that has faced its fair share of suffering. There is a certain art to leaving a team, and he basically decided to go modern and throw feces on canvas. Douchy? Undoubtedly.

Carmelo told the team to trade him but then tied their hands in terms of where they could trade him. Obviously they wanted to get fair market value for him, but there were only four teams in the markets Carmelo wanted to go to, and really only one team that he actually wanted to play for. He eventually got his wish after dragging Denver around, even at one point saying that he might sign an extension with the Nuggets. This ranks very high on the Douche meter.

The Douchey Winner? I’m going to have to go with…Carmelo! LeBron’s “Decision,” as douchey as it was, lasted one hour. Carmelo’s jaunt down “trade-me alley” took nine months. Congratulations to the new Douche in town!

Now some may think that my vitriol towards LeBron/Carmelo has to do with their leaving their original team. Not so. I have no problem with either one of them going to a new team, for whatever reasons. My issue is that they aren’t being honest with us.

Carmelo, every true man understands completely that when your wife wants something, you do your best to get it for her. Why not come out and say “listen, my wife wants to have an acting career, and to do that we need to be in either LA or New York.” Sure, we’ll all mock you derisively for doing whatever your wife tells you to, but that’s only because it makes us feel better about our own lots in life – look at the big and powerful NBA star, doing what his wife tells him to do, just like I do what my wife tells me to do!

LeBron, everyone who has ever played a pickup game or has friends certainly understands why you would want to play with your good buddies Wade and Bosh. And certainly no one is disputing that Miami is more fun than Cleveland. So why not come out and say “hey, I’ve wanted to play with Wade and Bosh since the Olympics, we are all in the prime of our careers, I think we can compete for championships and have fun while doing it.” Sure Cleveland will be angry with you, but you wouldn’t have faced the backlash that you received from the rest of the NBA-loving world.

I guess what I’m saying is, just be honest with us. Tell us the real reason you’re leaving. Don’t jerk us around, tell us one thing and then the opposite thing the next day. We’re not stupid, we’re fans. Sports is a microcosm of life, and we see ourselves in some of the things athletes do. There’s nothing wrong with being a regular guy and giving in to your wife’s wishes. We all get wanting to play with your buddies in Miami. Just be straight with us.

Then perhaps I’ll take you both out of the running for Douche Champion.

That is, until you demand your next trade.