Author: callmetrl

Post-NFL Week 3 Predictions

Predictions made prior to the NFL Week 3 based on the results of those games

Week 3 will be one of the more exciting NFL weekends in recent history!

First, the Saints will, umm, something with the Chiefs…

Then how about the 49ers, who will, with the Vikings…

And then there will be the Music City Miracle, but doesn’t make sense, because that happened during the 1999 playoffs…

Somehow the Cardinals, Falcons and Texans will all be in the same category after week 3…

Predictions are not coming easy this week. Something fishy is in the air.

Not fishy. Fishal. Ficial. Officials!

Week 3 will be one of the more exciting NFL weekends in recent history, and yet all anyone will be talking about will be the replacement officials.

It won’t be good talk, like:

“Did you see how far that guy threw his flag? What an arm!”

“How about the decision making by the referee! That guy has football-smarts.”

“The way the line judge followed the play down the field – what a tremendous athlete!”

No the talk will be more like what will be heard reverberating throughout M&T Stadium in Baltimore on Sunday night – something Al Michaels will refer to as “manure.”

Officials are at their best when they are neither seen nor heard. Unfortunately for the NFL, the replacement officials will be seen, heard, and then seen and heard again and again as highlights on SportsCenter will not be of the players making plays, but players reacting to officials calling those plays.

To be fair, ESPN has been showing highlights (or lowlights) of the officials since week 1, because even calling the plays correctly was a reason to be amazed.

The NFL had to know that the replacement officials would be more scrutinized than the actual officials ever were, or will be. Heck, during another time of year, the NFL would want that to be the case!

The NFL prides itself in being a year-round talking point, always having something coming up on the calendar. But with this situation, the NFL blew a prime opportunity. All it had to do was have the replacement officials work the preseason games and then bring in the regular officials right before week one. That way, everyone would be interested in the preseason, talking about the preseason, arguing about the preseason, but no real games would be affected.

Now real games have been and will continue to be affected and it almost might be a better idea to keep the replacement officials in for the whole season – maybe that way, every team will get screwed equally.

Strangely enough, the owners, including the ones whose teams are affected by poor officiating, will remain quiet on the whole “let’s-get-the-real-officials-back” front. So Roger Goodell, who works for the owners, will be the whipping boy for everyone with a pen (or a blog), while the owners will go unmentioned.

What should also be mentioned is that these replacement officials did not ask to be thrown into the spotlight like this. Goodell and the owners put the NFL in this position and these replacement officials were asked to help out. Because of the actions of Goodell and the owners, these poor officials are way over their head and they are being ripped apart because of it. Time to stop pointing fingers at them and start calling out those who can actually change this for the better.

Now that we’ve waded through the screaming about the officials, we’ve arrived at a few predictions.

The Giants won’t understand what the big deal is with having replacements while they demolish the long-handed Panthers.

You know that desire that everyone has to show up their former employer and making them regret letting you go?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Kevin Kolb!

During the Eagles’ loss to the Cardinals, after the 89th hit of the game on Michael Vick, Philadelphia head coach Andy Reid will ask if anyone called “no backsies” on the Kolb/Antonio Rodgers-Cromartie trade.

NFL announcers will trip all over themselves trying not to say “Roger Goodell” in relation to “replacement officials,” so they will replace “Roger Goodell” with “The NFL.”

As in, “The NFL” should really do something about these replacement officials.

As in, “The NFL” really bungled this whole situation.

As in, what was “The NFL” thinking?!

It will take 47 games before an announcer will finally point out that the replacement officials are less to blame than “The NFL” himsel- er, itself.

Thank you, Cris Collinsworth.

Prior to the Monday Night Football game between the Packers and the Seahawks, the question on everyone’s lips will be, “did the Packers learn anything from the end of the first half of their playoff game against the Giants last season”?

After their loss to the Seahawks, the answer will be a resounding, “NO.”

Fortunately for the Packers, the actions of the replacement officials (and “the NFL”), will allow them to escape without receiving too much grief.

Well, kind of.

Post-NFL Week 3 Predictions

Predictions made prior to the NFL Week 3 based on the results of those games

Week 3 will be one of the more exciting NFL weekends in recent history!

First, the Saints will, umm, something with the Chiefs…

Then how about the 49ers, who will, with the Vikings…

And then there will be the Music City Miracle, but doesn’t make sense, because that happened during the 1999 playoffs…

Somehow the Cardinals, Falcons and Texans will all be in the same category after week 3…

Predictions are not coming easy this week. Something fishy is in the air.

Not fishy. Fishal. Ficial. Officials!

Week 3 will be one of the more exciting NFL weekends in recent history, and yet all anyone will be talking about will be the replacement officials.

It won’t be good talk, like:

“Did you see how far that guy threw his flag? What an arm!”

“How about the decision making by the referee! That guy has football-smarts.”

“The way the line judge followed the play down the field – what a tremendous athlete!”

No the talk will be more like what will be heard reverberating throughout M&T Stadium in Baltimore on Sunday night – something Al Michaels will refer to as “manure.”

Officials are at their best when they are neither seen nor heard. Unfortunately for the NFL, the replacement officials will be seen, heard, and then seen and heard again and again as highlights on SportsCenter will not be of the players making plays, but players reacting to officials calling those plays.

To be fair, ESPN has been showing highlights (or lowlights) of the officials since week 1, because even calling the plays correctly was a reason to be amazed.

The NFL had to know that the replacement officials would be more scrutinized than the actual officials ever were, or will be. Heck, during another time of year, the NFL would want that to be the case!

The NFL prides itself in being a year-round talking point, always having something coming up on the calendar. But with this situation, the NFL blew a prime opportunity. All it had to do was have the replacement officials work the preseason games and then bring in the regular officials right before week one. That way, everyone would be interested in the preseason, talking about the preseason, arguing about the preseason, but no real games would be affected.

Now real games have been and will continue to be affected and it almost might be a better idea to keep the replacement officials in for the whole season – maybe that way, every team will get screwed equally.

Strangely enough, the owners, including the ones whose teams are affected by poor officiating, will remain quiet on the whole “let’s-get-the-real-officials-back” front. So Roger Goodell, who works for the owners, will be the whipping boy for everyone with a pen (or a blog), while the owners will go unmentioned.

What should also be mentioned is that these replacement officials did not ask to be thrown into the spotlight like this. Goodell and the owners put the NFL in this position and these replacement officials were asked to help out. Because of the actions of Goodell and the owners, these poor officials are way over their head and they are being ripped apart because of it. Time to stop pointing fingers at them and start calling out those who can actually change this for the better.

Now that we’ve waded through the screaming about the officials, we’ve arrived at a few predictions.

The Giants won’t understand what the big deal is with having replacements while they demolish the long-handed Panthers.

You know that desire that everyone has to show up their former employer and making them regret letting you go?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Kevin Kolb!

During the Eagles’ loss to the Cardinals, after the 89th hit of the game on Michael Vick, Philadelphia head coach Andy Reid will ask if anyone called “no backsies” on the Kolb/Antonio Rodgers-Cromartie trade.

NFL announcers will trip all over themselves trying not to say “Roger Goodell” in relation to “replacement officials,” so they will replace “Roger Goodell” with “The NFL.”

As in, “The NFL” should really do something about these replacement officials.

As in, “The NFL” really bungled this whole situation.

As in, what was “The NFL” thinking?!

It will take 47 games before an announcer will finally point out that the replacement officials are less to blame than “The NFL” himsel- er, itself.

Thank you, Cris Collinsworth.

Prior to the Monday Night Football game between the Packers and the Seahawks, the question on everyone’s lips will be, “did the Packers learn anything from the end of the first half of their playoff game against the Giants last season”?

After their loss to the Seahawks, the answer will be a resounding, “NO.”

Fortunately for the Packers, the actions of the replacement officials (and “the NFL”), will allow them to escape without receiving too much grief.

Well, kind of.

Post-NFL Week 2 Predictions

Predictions made prior to the NFL Week 2 based on the results of those games

A week ago, Kevin Kolb was the backup quarterback who led his team to an improbable victory.

This week, Kevin Kolb will be the backup quarterback who leads his team to an improbable victory, as the Cardinals will beat the Patriots.

That scream you will hear is the sound of millions upon millions upon millions who picked the Patriots in their suicide pool.

Kolb will again show how much better he is as a starter starting in place of the injured starter than as a starter starting as a starter.

A week ago, the Patriots were the best team in football, the Cowboys were going to be a force to be reckoned with, the Packers and Giants were both d-o-e-n done, Peyton Manning was Peyton Manning and Bill Simmons was upset about his “Seahawks to the Super Bowl” pick.

After week 2, the Patriots will need help, the Cowboys will be back to doing Cowboys things, the Packers and Giants will probably not be d-o-e-n done (status may change based on the results of week 3), Peyton Manning will still be Peyton Manning but just not quite as Peyton Manning as Peyton Manning used to be and Bill Simmons will probably still upset about his Seahawks pick.

Let’s be honest, it was a ridiculous pick.

Sibling rivalry will take a weird turn during Monday Night Football. Peyton Manning will watch his brother Eli go 31-of-51 for a career-high 510 yards along with three touchdowns against an NFC South team (the Bucs), and think to himself, “anything he can do I can do better.”

The good news is that in his game against an NFC South team (the Falcons), Peyton will indeed do something better than Eli. The bad news is that it won’t involve completions, yards or touchdowns.

No, Peyton will see Eli’s three first-half interceptions and decide to do him one better, throwing three first-quarter interceptions. In your face, Eli!

A week ago, the Steelers’ defense was old and feeble and the Jets offense was flying high.

After week two, the Steelers’ defense will still be old (average age of starters: 47 (actually 30.4)) but not nearly as feeble, and the Jets offense will crash and burn.

On the plus side, Tim Tebow will have one run for 22 yards. So there’s that.

The 49ers will win the Hand-Slap-Shake Bowl thanks to the play of one Alex Smith.

Hold on, let me check that again. Yes, I did mean Alex Smith.

After wishing the Packers defense good luck before the game, Jay Cutler will be sacked seven times and picked four times, proving once again that no good deed goes unpunished.

Bills running back Fred Jackson will regret telling backup CJ Spiller to put the team on his back after Spiller runs for 123 yards and two touchdowns in Buffalo’s win over the Chiefs.

In a related story, Wally Pipp. That is all.

The Bengals will win the Battle of Drew Carey, beating the Browns. 

After the game, Charley Steiner will state that the Bengals are the best team.

In Ohio.

The Colts will beat the Vikings, giving Andrew Luck a victory in his second career start, bettering Peyton Manning’s rookie year performance, in which he won in his fifth career start.

What does that mean, you ask?

You tell me, I answer. #Deflect

Not to be outdone, Dolphins rookie quarterback Ryan Tannehill and Seahawks rookie quarterback Russell Wilson will also get wins in their second career starts, over the Raiders and Cowboys, respectively.

So what does that mean, you ask?

If you don’t know then I won’t tell you, I answer. #Deny

Robert Griffin III and the Redskins will lose to the Rams, but RGIII can still say he won in his first career start, which means…

Which means what, you ask.

Gimme a couple minutes, I say. #Delay

The Saints will lose to the Panthers and fall to 0-2. 

When asked about the team’s performance, interim interim head coach (and offensive line coach) Aaron Kromer will say, “hey we ran for 163 yards and Brees was only sacked once, right? So how bad a job could I be doing?!” #Deluded

In their loss to the Texans there will be good news and bad news for the Jaguars. 

The good news: the Jaguars will have more yards rushing than they will passing.
The bad news: the Jaguars will only have 65 yards rushing. #Dreadful
The Chargers will beat the Titans. 

Norv Turner will be 2-0 to start a season for the first time in his 15-year head coaching career. #Dumbfounding
After two games, Titans running back Chris Johnson will be tied for 71st in rushing yards with 21. 

Noted running backs Brandon Wheedon (60th, 31 yards) and Matt Cassell (48th, 45 yards) will have more yards than Johnson. #DONE

Grantlandish

Recently, the website Grantland held a contest for the spot of its fantasy football writer. The rules were simple: write a short piece about your top-five fantasy players of the 2012 NFL season and one sleeper, with a max of 750 words.

I wrote a piece that I thought was funny, interesting and well, Grantland-ish. I even had some pop culture references. Ok, one pop culture reference. I would have had two, but I was only allowed 750 words.

End result, I was not one of the 10 finalists. And I’ll admit, it stung a little.

Ok, a lot.

Ok, I cried.

Ok, I’m still cryi- my mental state is not the point of this piece. The point is for me to give my readers, all two of them, a chance to read my submission for the Grantland fantasy football writer fantasy football writing contest.

I knew that for me to have any kind of chance with the contest, my piece would have to stand out in some form or fashion. After mulling it over for a few days, I came up with my plan. Not only was I going to make my picks for the 2012 NFL season (requirement numero uno), I was also going to make my picks for the 1978 NFL season (the year I was born) and the 1999 NFL season (the year I turned 21 and had my first alcoholic beverage).

Using profootballreference.com, I looked into the statistical leaders for the 1977 and 1998 seasons to make my picks. I had to cut the paragraph with the 1999 picks because 750 words is just not what it used to be, and with the help of my lovely wife I cleaned up the submission and sent it in. What follows below is the fruit of my labors (although it turned out to be more bitter than sweet).

Grantland Fantasy Football Writer Fantasy Football Writing Contest Submission

When I was in college, my friends and I had a simple method for picking our basketball teams: Captain A gets first choice, Captain B picks next two. You either got the best player on the court, or two really good players.
Inevitably, it wouldn’t matter, as we were all terrible at basketball (there was a reason that we were not on the actual team). But that was my first impression when I read about the Grantland contest: I am drafting first and I can pick the best five players, all in a row. The person drafting after me will then take the next 10. Which plan will translate to the fantasy title – the five best players or 10 pretty good players? Is quantity better than quality? Not in fantasy-sports land.
Of course, in every other type of fantasy, quantity would be a huge favorite over quality.
So here we go with my 2012 draft. But first, let me provide some insight into my auspicious fantasy football start. (NOTE: it’s been all downhill from there.)
I was born in June of 1978, so I was just over two months old when I participated in my first fantasy football draft. My mom was, and is, not a big football fan, thereby putting me a little behind the eight ball for the draft. Yet I still managed to draft decently well. My first pick was a no-brainer: Walter Payton (Chicago) won three MVP awards in 1977, was Offensive Player of the Year and led the League in rushes, yards, rushing TDs, total TDs and yards from scrimmage. Not too shabby.
I also selected Tony Dorsett (Dallas), who started only four games in 1977 but still managed to break the 1,000-yard plateau while scoring 12 TDs. My quarterback was Roger Staubach (Dallas) and my receivers were Nat Moore (Miami) and Steve Largent (Seattle). Wesley Walker (NYJ) was a fairly easy sleeper: a speedster receiver who played well as a rookie in 1977.
Payton turned out to be my draft dud. He had a down season (for him) with 1,395 yards, 11 TDs and 1,875 yards from scrimmage. Yet my other players kept up their end of the bargain. Dorsett ran for 1,325 yards with seven TDs and 1,703 yards from scrimmage. While neither led the League in any category, Moore and Largent combined for 1,813 yards and 18 TDs. My sleeper turned out to be a stud – Walker led the League in yards (1,169) while catching eight TDs.
I gotta say, winning a fantasy football title is a nice way to kick off life. But fast forward 34 years to 2012, and I am still waiting for fantasy title No. 2.
Given my dearth of fantasy football victories over the last, I don’t know, three-plus decades, I think it is clear that my 2012 draft picks will definitely probably hopefully lead to a championship season. Lesson No. 1 learned during this oh-so-trying time: never draft a no-brainer, like Calvin Johnson.
Last season, Johnson led the League in receiving yards, was second in TDs and had the most “holy crap did you see that” moments. But what sets him apart from previous no-brainers is his nickname. Megatron > any-other-nickname. Michael Bay should have put him in Transformers One-Too-Many. So OF COURSE I will draft him. Who am I to listen to myself? My other receiver, Victor Cruz, will become the focal point of the Big Blue passing offense, especially with Hakeem Nicks coming back from injury.
My quarterback will be Aaron Rodgers, he of the monster 45 TD, six INT performance in 2011. I would have gone with Drew Brees, but his head coach this year was the assistant trainer last season. And Rodgers is just so darn cute! I mean good. He’s really good.
I’m going to go against the grain at running back and take Ray Rice and LeSean McCoy. My guess is that 97.2 percent of the Grantland fantasy writer applicants will take Rice and McCoy, give or take a .2 percent. For my sleeper, I don’t know if Darren McFadden qualifies, but as we’ve never seen a full season from him, he gets the Ambien.
Thanks to the lessons I learned in my 34 years of existence, I am confident that my team will win the Grantland fantasy-writer fantasy-football title. Along with half the League, I will continue to feel this way until the first Sunday of the NFL season. After that, well, there’s always next year.
___________________________________________________________________________________
Here is the paragraph about the 1999 NFL season that I had to cut out to stay under the 750-word limit:
The draft started with a no-brainer in Terrell Davis (Denver), the 1998 League-leader in yards and TDs who played just four games in 1999. Both of my receivers, Antonio Freeman (Green Bay) and Randy Moss (Minnesota), went backwards, statistically-speaking, from their 1998 performances. My quarterback, Brett Fav-ruh (Green Bay), was solid with 4,091 yards and 22 TDs. Thanks to my other RB, Marshall Faulk (St. Louis), and my sleeper, rookie Edgerrin James (Indianapolis), who took over Faulk’s role with the Colts, the season was not a total loss. But Davis’ injury, combined with the sub-par seasons by my two receivers, was too much to overcome.
___________________________________________________________________________________
We all face situations where we know the odds are never in our favor and we are 99.9 percent certain that things will not go our way, but somehow we believe that we have a pretty good chance of succeeding and that gives us irrational hope, which somehow is more powerful than regular hope, which makes the crushing blow of defeat all the more crushing. I guess, as I say after each and every fantasy season, there’s always next year.

Post-NFL Championship Round Predictions

Predictions made prior to the NFL Championship Round based on the results of those games

The Giants and Patriots will party like it’s 2007.
The Giants will yet again defeat an NFC South team before taking down the No. 1 seed before defeating the No. 2 seed in overtime on a Lawrence Tynes field goal.
This time, however, Tynes will not cause heart palpitations for Giants fans by missing two possible gamewinners.
The 49ers will lose thanks to the a pair of giveaways by the son of White Sox GM Ken Williams.
Somewhere nearby, Oakland A’s GM Billy Beane is nodding knowingly.
To add insult to injury, 49ers fans everywhere will be forced to miss Ted Ginn, Jr.
Ford will continue to believe that we really believe that those are “real” people doing “real” interviews with “real” media asking “real” questions.
I mean, really?
Receivers not named Vernon and/or Davis will catch nine passes for 84 yards.
Ho hum, another Urban Meyer quarterback will short-arm passes and run better than he throws.
For the second straight year, Baltimore’s season will end thanks to a dropped pass on what should have been an easy completion by a veteran receiver.
Billy Cundiff will miss a relatively easy 32-yard field goal with seconds remaining in the contest to give the game to the Patriots.
Scott Norwood will be heard yelling at the tv, “even I could have made that”!
Vegas will set the over/under at 100 for the number of jokes made referring to Ray-Lewis-murdering-or-standing-by-while-someone-else-murders-Billy-Cundiff.
(Take the over).
The Harbaugh brothers will both bow out of the playoffs and a field goal will decide each game.

Har-bro in law Tom Crean’s Indiana Hoosiers will defeat Penn State, so the day won’t be a total loss.

On the same day Seal and Heidi Klum will announce their breakup, Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari will announce they are having a baby.

Yet Rick Santorum will still believe that gay people are ruining the sanctity of marriage.
After Championship weekend, no meaningful football will be played until the Super Bowl.
In a related story, the Pro Bowl is next week.

Post-NFL Divisional Round Predictions

Predictions made prior to the NFL Divisional Round based on the results of those games
The angels that helped Denver reach the Divisional Round will step away, believing that the Broncos will be able to defeat the Patriots on their own.
They won’t.
Led by the Godless Heathen Bill Belichick, the Patriots’ win over the Fightin’ Tebows will force many to acknowledge that sometimes the dude in red on their left shoulder has some good ideas.
Alex Smith will twice lead the 49ers on fourth-quarter comebacks in a win over New Orleans.
New Orleans will finish the season with an average score of 26.8 points in games played outside compared to an average score of 38.6 in games played inside.
The Saints’ fans will ask them to take their indoor voice outside.
Vernon Davis will haul in the (second) gamewinning touchdown for the 49ers, giving San Francisco yet another Catch by a tight end that wins a playoff game. Somewhere, David Tyree is shaking his head.
Vernon Davis will insert himself into the discussion of Jimaarob Gramzalezski, creating Vernjimaarob Gramzalezdavski.
In the end, the North will prevail over the South, again, as Baltimore will defeat the Texans to improve to 3-2 against the AFC South this season.
Joe Flacco will beg to dilfer, but he will say he is nothing like former Ravens quarterback, whose name escapes me.
The Ravens will improve to 9-0 at home. Which is good, because they were just 4-4 on the road in 2011-12.
In a related story, Baltimore will have to travel to New England to face the Patriots in the AFC Championship.
The Giants will improve to 2-0 in rematches in the playoffs against teams that beat them 38-35 in the regular season in the past five seasons.
The Packers will become the only home team to lose over the weekend.
To add insult to injury, Green Bay will not have taken out the discount double-check insurance on their Super Bowl chances.
Fans who bought into the Green Bay franchise will immediately ask for their money back.
State Farm will immediately ask for its commercials back.
Actor and fake-Indiana native Rob Lowe will become the 1,194th NFL Insider.
ESPN will immediately hire him to work on Sunday NFL Countdown.
He will not be the worst commentator on that show.

Post NFL-Wild Card Predictions

Predictions based about the Wild Card Weekend based on the results of those games.

The Falcons’ defense will outscore the Falcons’ offense, 2-0.
Good score for a staff softball game. Not so much for playoff football.
The Giants offense will outscore the Falcons’ offense, 24-0.
Good score for pretty much any game.
The Texans will defeat the Bengals for zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Oh man, how embarrassing. Let me try again.
Two rookies will square off as Cincinnati will fall to the Texans zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I give up.
Houston will win its first-ever playoff contest, which will be the most interesting thing about the game.
The Saints will erase the embarrassment of losing to a 7-9 team in the playoffs by defeating the Lions.
Detroit’s defense will let its offense down by allowing Drew Brees to throw for three touchdowns and more than 450 yards.
The Lions will look in to signing the rest of the Decepticons to shore up their porous defense.
Anti-Tim Tebowians (Tebowites? Tebowgers?) will have a hard time coming up with more reasons why Tebow stinks after he throws for 316 yards and two touchdowns and runs for another TD in the Broncos’ wild card game against the Steelers.
Most popular criticisms will be: Broncos’ supporting cast was the reason for Tebow’s success, not Tebow; Tebow played great but he still stinks; the Steelers’ are old and banged up and they lost more than the Broncos won.
In the end, however, Tebow will help the Broncos defeat the Steelers in overtime with an 80-yard touchdown pass.
In overtime, Tebow Time will last 11 seconds.
Good length of time for a gamewinning score. Bad for pretty much everything else.

Post NFL-Weeks 16 and 17 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous (two) week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

In consecutive weeks, the New York Giants will eliminate the Eagles and Cowboys while effectively knocking the Jets out of playoff contention.
Or as Giants fans refer to it: Christmas.
In fact, everyone will refer to that two week stretch as Christmas, although some will be upset that they aren’t calling it the Holidays, and others will be upset with the some for calling it Holidays instead of Christmas.
In the battle for New Jersey, the Giants will force Rex Ryan to eat his words after the game, only to find out that he will have already eaten his words, as he is a growing boy who is also big boned.
The Cowboys will play like their game against the Eagles in Week 16 means absolutely nothing to their playoff chances.
In a related story, the Cowboys’ game against the Eagles in Week 16 will mean absolutely nothing to Dallas’ playoff chances.
In the Giants’ game against the Cowboys, they will not be saying “boo,” they will be saying, “Cruuuz.” And also “boo.” It is the Cowboys, after all.
If Jerry Jones’ face could show emotion, it will be extreme disappointment.
The Colts will almost win themselves out of the Andrew Luck sweepstakes before they come back to their senses and fall in the season finale to gain some Luck.
St. Louis will also finish 2-14, but will miss out on the No. 1 overall pick, making the Rams double-losers.
Houston and Denver will back into the playoffs on three-game losing streaks.
Houston and Denver will be the only playoff teams to enter the tournament on a losing streak.
Houston and Denver will each host their first round playoff games.
The NFL: where No Frigging Logic happens
Chris Johnson will finish the season with only four 100-yard games. He will average 39.4 yards per game in his other 12 contests. Yet he will reach 1,000 yards for the season, proving once and for all how meaningless that statistic is.
Kyle Orton will prove how much better of a quarterback he is than the man who replaced him in Denver, Tim Tebow, by leading the Chiefs to a win over the Broncos in the final game of the season.
The score will be 7-3, meaning Orton is exactly four-points better than Tebow.
The Patriots will find themselves trailing in each of their final two games before coming back to win each contest to take the top seed in the AFC.
After Week 17, the Patriots will be 64-16 (.800) in the last five seasons. During that time, New England is 2-3 (.400) in the playoffs with a grand total of zero Super Bowls.
I’m just sayin’.
Miami will finish its season 6-3, with two of its losses during that stretch by three or fewer points.
They would have made it into the playoffs if it weren’t for that darn 0-7 start.
Tampa Bay started its season 4-2.
It would have made the playoffs and head coach Raheem Morris would still have a job if it weren’t for that darn 0-10 finish.
After starting the season 4-1, including a win over New England, the Bills will finish the season 2-9 and enlist the help of Scooby Doo to find out who stole their mojo.
If the thief is the same guy who took Andy Roddick’s mojo in 2005, Buffalo probably won’t have any luck finding him.
After finishing the season on a six-game losing streak, Cleveland fans will talk about the fact that the Browns are going to a Bowl.
It just won’t be the Super Bowl. But it will be a Bowl.
The AFC North will be the only division with three winning teams. All three of those teams will make the playoffs.
In 16 games with the Bengals, Andy Dalton will finish the season with 20 touchdowns and 13 interceptions.
Which will be three fewer interceptions than Carson Palmer will throw in 10 games with the Raiders.
Oakland will set the NFL record for most penalties in a season. Raiders fans will be quoted as saying, “yawn.”
San Diego began its season 4-1. San Diego will end its season 4-1.
It would have made the playoffs if it weren’t for that darn 0-6 stretch during the middle of the season.
Apparently Chargers owner Dean Spanos has will remember 8-2 and not 0-6, as Norv Turner will stay on as head coach.
John Skelton will finish the season 6-2 as a starter. John Skelton’s 2011 salary is 1/28th that of Kevin Kolb , who will finish the season 2-6.
The NFL: where No Frigging Logic happens
Jacksonville will win just enough games to lose out on the Andrew Luck sweepstakes.
Redskins offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan will declare that the Redskins will win the NFC East in 2012.
Rex Grossman made a similar declaration prior to the 2011 season.
I wonder how that worked out for them?
Packers backup quarterback Matt Flynn will throw for 480 yards and six touchdowns in Green Bay’s win over Detroit in the final game of the season.
Coming soon to a terrible team near you: a quarterback with two starts under his belt and a 123.0 qb rating in those two games.
Detroit’s reward for making the playoffs for the first time: a trip to New Orleans to face a Saints squad that defeated the Lions 31-17 in Week 13.
Apparently General Managers are now at fault for season-ending injuries to franchise quarterbacks, as Chicago will join Indianapolis in releasing its GM from his duties.
Jay Cutler’s confidence will now reach new levels when he realizes the power he holds.
The Vikings will win just three games, lose their star running back to an ACL injury that might keep him out part of next season, and to add insult to injury, defensive end Jared Allen will have a full quarter against a sieve of an offensive line to break the single-season sack record but will not.
Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2011 Minnesota Vikings!
The Falcons will go 3-1 down the stretch to finish the season 10-6. Atlanta finish 6-2 at home, which would be great, except they will to travel to the 9-7 Giants in the first round of the playoffs.
Baltimore and Pittsburgh will finish in a tie for first-place in the AFC North but the Ravens will have the tiebreaker, meaning 12-4 Pittsburgh will have travel to 8-8 Denver in the first round of the playoffs.
The NFL: where No Effing Logic happens
Ravens will clinch the second seed, a first-round bye and the first home playoff game in the fourth-season of the Harbaugh era.
If the Harbaugh family was at all competitive, John’s younger brother Jim will be able to say that he achieved the second seed, a first-round bye and a home playoff game in his first season at San Francisco.
Good thing they are not competitive.
Drew Brees will surpass Dan Marino’s single-season passing yardage total with 5,476 on the year. It would be more impressive if Tom Brady (5,235) didn’t do the same and Matthew Stafford didn’t throw for over 5,000 yards in 2011.
The quarterbacks who will rank 1-5 in the NFL in passing yardage will all make the playoffs.
Two running backs who will finish in the top-five in rushing yardage will not make the playoffs.
Arena Football will contact the NFL to talk about a possible merger.
Cam Newton’s Panthers will finish fourth in the NFC in scoring offense. Unfortunately for Cam and Carolina, the Panthers will be the only NFC team to score over 400 points and give up over 400 points.
For the second straight year, Seattle will finish 7-9.
This time, however, the Seahawks will not make the playoffs and they certainly will not host a playoff game.
The NFL: where No Freaking Logic happens

Post NFL-Week 15 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

The 2011 Chiefs will do their best 1985 Dolphins impersonation, handing the 2011 Packers their first loss in the 2011 calendar year, and the 1972 Dolphins will party like it’s 1999.
The Colts will defeat the Titans for their first victory of the season. The game would have been more interesting if Peyton Manning and Chris Johnson were involved.
Dan Orlovsky will become the first Colts quarterback to lead the team to a victory since Jim Harbaugh in 1997.
That same Jim Harbaugh will become the second Harbaugh to lead his team to a win over the Steelers in 2011 when the 49ers shut the lights out on Pittsburgh.
Literally and figuratively.
The first Harbaugh will watch his Ravens defeated soundly by the Chargers to continue their trend of late season success that will lead to another year of Norv Turner as head coach that will lead to another year of early failure and late season success which will lead to another year of Norv Turner as head coach that will lead…
Thanks to the Colts’ victory, the longest current losing streak will belong to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who will not show up against the Cowboys en route to their eighth-straight loss.
The Bucs will lose their third-straight by at least two touchdowns. Head coach Raheem Morris, who was 35 when the season started, will be 50 after Week 15.
Thanks to the Packers’ loss, the longest current winning streak will be the Patriots and Saints, as each will win their sixth-consecutive game, over Tebow Time and the Vikings, respectively.
Chad Ochocinco will finish one reception shy of his season-high while setting a season-best in touchdown receptions.
Ochocinco will catch one pass for one touchdown.
In the battle of the backups, John Skelton will lead the Cardinals to a their third overtime win in the past seven games, this time defeating Seneca Wallace and the Browns. Arizona will win its fourth-straight to improve to 7-7 and enter Wild Card contention. The trade for Kevin Kolb will look better and better as Skelton will improve to 5-1 as a starter.
Houston’s seven-game winning streak will come to an end at the hands of Cam Newton and the Panthers.
Against the Texans, Panthers offensive coordinator Rob Chudzinski will design a play based on the movie Little Giants.
Coaches for the Buccaneers will be watching football movies all week to get ready for Carolina. But Chudzinski will be too smart for that, going with the Red Seven Hot Route play from Wedding Crashers.
The Lions will score 14 points over the final 7:47, including the go-ahead score on a 98-yard drive, to defeat the Raiders. Ndamukong Suh return from a two-game suspension to block the potential gamewinning kick, marking the second-straight game “Suh” will be mentioned in the same sentence as “kick.”
Reggie Bush will make a bold statement in his wish to get back together with Kim Kardashian, rushing for a career-high 203 yards in the Dolphins’ win over Buffalo.
The Bills were once 5-2. After Week 15, they will be 5-9. During that stretch, quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick will have eight touchdowns and 12 interceptions. His new theme song will be Mo Money, Mo Problems.
The two New Jersey teams will combine to score 29 points. Their two NFC East opponents will combine to score 68 points. It’s not over until the fat lady sings, but she is definitely going through warm ups.
The Seahawks will defeat the Jay Cutler-less Bears to improve to 7-7 and enter the Wild Card equation. Bears coach Lovie Smith will have a tough time figuring out where to put Sam Hurd on the injury list. Does arrest for federal drug charges make a player Doubtful or Questionable?
The Bengals will defeat the Rams to ensure that the AFC North will be the only division in the NFL with three teams above .500. The Rams’ loss will put them in at tie for the worst record in the NFC. Which feat is more impressive? You be the judge.
The Falcons will have no problem with the Jaguars, building a 27-0 halftime lead before coasting to victory. New Jacksonville owner Shahid Khan (no relation to Chaka) will wonder if the team was overpriced at $760 million.
That’s just $190 million per victory!

Post NFL-Week 14 (and 13) Predictions

Predictions made about the previous (two) week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

Twelve teams will go 2-0 over Week 13 and 14.
Included in that category will be the Arizona Cardinals.
Which would be a bigger story except that darn Tim Tebow will lead the Broncos to two come-from-behind victories.
After Week 14, sports talk will sound as though Tim Tebow entered his own portal in the movie Being Tim Tebow.
After Denver’s overtime win over Chicago in Week 14, Brian Urhlacher will make a back-handed compliment to Tebow, calling him “a good running back.”
That will be the best hit the Bears defense puts on Tebow all day.
The Falcons will need to score 24 points in the second half of their game against the Panthers to avoid going 0-2 over Week 13 and 14.
In Week 13, Matt Ryan will be outplayed by TJ Yates and Houston will defeat Atlanta.
The Texans will then take down the Bengals to earn their First. Playoff Appearance. Ever.
The Dolphins will defeat the Raiders and then lose to the Dreamgles. The Chiefs will defeat the Bears and then lose to the Jets.
The Raiders and Bears will each go 0-2 over Weeks 13 and 14, yet it will be Miami and Kansas City that will be without head coaches after Week 14.
Chiefs head coach Todd Haley will be axed one year after guiding the team to a 10-6 record and an AFC West title.
The NFL: Where Not For Long and No Faith Lasts happens.
After Week 14, the Eagles will be 5-8.
Which will not be as surprising as the fact that they will still be in contention to win the NFC East.
Thanks to the Cardinals’ win over the Cowboys in Week 13, the Giants’ come-from-behind victory over Dallas in Week 14 puts New York in first-place in the division.
Dallas will give up its third game after leading by more than 10 points in the fourth quarter.
That sound you will hear is Rex Ryan’s chances of a head coaching gig dying an agonizing death after looking like it was going to pull through.
Unless he is elevated to head coach at Dallas, where the bar has been set at “call a timeout to ice your own kicker.”
Tennessee will go 1-0 during Week 13 thanks to the running of Chris Johnson, who will finish with 23 carries for 153 yards and two touchdowns in a win over Buffalo.
Tennessee go 0-1 during Week 14 thanks to the running of Chris Johnson, who will finish with 11 carries for 23 yards and zero touchdowns in a loss to New Orleans.
The Saints will clinch a playoff berth by going 2-0 over Weeks 13 and 14. Drew Brees will earn the Denis Leary award for “Most NyQuil Ads Over A Season.”
The Buccaneers will fall to 4-9 with a 41-14 loss to the Jaguars. It will mark the fifth time this season Tampa Bay will have given up 35 or more points and lost. In 2010, when the Bucs finished 10-6, TB gave up 35 or more points just twice, going 1-1 in those two games.
Further proof that limiting the other team’s scoring is the best way to win.
The Packers will improve to 13-0 with a nail-biter against the Giants and a blowout of the Raiders.
In two losses over Weeks 13 and 14, Oakland quarterback Carson Palmer will go 44-for-83 for 518 yards, three touchdowns and five interceptions. Through seven games with the Raiders, Palmer will have nine touchdowns and 13 interceptions.
“Just Win, Baby” becomes “Just Don’t Throw It To The Other Team, Please.”
The Chargers will win twice to pull within two games of first-place in the AFC West, which will officially be called the cat-like Norv Turner’s eighth life.
The Bills will fall to 5-8 after being demolished by the Fighting Norv-ses in Week 14. Buffalo will be very upset after the game, but not half as upset as the Patriots, who will look back on their Week 3 loss to the Bills incredulously.
Speaking of upset, Tom Brady and offensive coordinator Bill O’Brien will do their best “Jersey Shore argument” routine late in the Patriots’ win over Washington.
GTL, boys. GTL.
The 49ers will shut out the Rams and then lose to the Cardinals, clinching a playoff berth in the process. San Francisco will have lost two of its past three games. The 49ers will breathe a sigh of relief once they realize that unlike every other division in the NFL, the NFC West has just one team over .500.
The Jets will get back on track with a pair of dominating performances over the Redskins and the Chiefs, which would look more impressive if it weren’t for the fat that it came against the Redskins and the Chiefs.
Mike Shanahan’s squad will fall to 4-9. He will be post his second-straight losing year for the first time in his career as a head coach while coaching the team for a full season.
Dan Snyder will be mad. You won’t like Dan Snyder when he’s mad. You probably won’t like Dan Snyder when he’s not mad either. He is not very likeable.
The Rams will fall to 2-10. Steve Spagnuolo will make a heck of a defensive coordinator for some team next year.
Seattle will go 2-0 to improve to 6-7. Just like the pickle-juice craze of 2000, NFL teams will see the success of Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch and start purchasing skittles in bulk.
Victory will always taste better than the rainbow.
The Browns will go 0-2 over Weeks 13 and 14. Colt McCoy will suffer a concussion during Cleveland’s loss to Pittsburgh and of course, Steelers linebacker James Harrison will be blamed.
Harrison will have an alibi though – he will be hitting Colt McCoy in the head at the time of the incident.
The Lions will go 1-1 and the Vikings will lose both games during Weeks 13 and 14. Since Minnesota played in the NFC Championship in 2009, Detroit will be 14-15 while Minnesota will be 8-21.
The curse of Fav-rah continues.
Ray Rice’s running will push the Ravens to wins in Weeks 13 and 14, as he will finish the two games with 307 yards on 55 carries with two touchdowns.
Ray Rice’s running will allow Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco to do what Joe Flacco does best, which is hand off to Ray Rice.
The Colts will fall to 0-13. The football gods, aka NFL fans, frown upon teams that don’t fight for an undefeated season.
Are you there, Green Bay? It’s us, NFL Fans.