Author: callmetrl

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

Week three will be all about ending streaks. The Bills will end 15-game losing streak against the Patriots. The Lions will end a 13-game losing streak at the Metrodome. The Giants will end a six-game losing streak against the Eagles. The Raiders will end a five-game losing streak to non-division opponents. The Buccaneers will end a five-game losing streak to the Falcons. The Gramatica brothers will be relevant for the first time in five years.

Unconfirmed reports say Bill tore his ACL while celebrating the news that he and his brother were cast in a Bud Light commercial.

Two quarterbacks, a sixth-round draft choice and a seventh-round draft choice, will go toe-to-toe as the Bills will come from behind to defeat the Patriots. Somewhere, former No. 1 overall pick JaMarcus Russell is studying hard to get his degree.

Seriously, JaMarcus Russell returned to LSU to get his degree.

Mel Kiper Jr. still thinks that JaMarcus Russell will be the next John Elway. Todd McShay continues to be in awe of JaMarcus Russell. Al Davis doesn’t know who JaMarcus Russell is.

In Kiper Jr. and McShay’s defense, most NFL teams aren’t much smarter. In Davis’ defense, he’s Al Davis.

Late in the second half of its loss to Detroit, Minnesota will offer further proof that chicks do indeed dig the Longwell.

However, chicks will not dig the fact that with the game on the line, Minnesota’s coaching staff will choose to leave one defender covering the best receiver in the NFL, Calvin Johnson.

Wide receiver Steve Smith’s return will pay immediate dividends. Not for the Eagles, but for the Giants, who will go on to defeat Vince Young’s Dream Team in Philly.

The Giants’ coaching staff will design a defense for Michael Vick and the Eagles based on Tom Coughlin’s favorite song, which as everyone knows, is Hit ‘Em High by B Real, Coolio, Busta Rhymes and Method Man.

“If you can hit ‘em high, hit ‘em high, hit ‘em high. If you can hit ‘em low, hit ‘em low, hit ‘em low.”

After using the chorus as a mantra leading up to the Eagles game, the song will remain in the Giants’ heads for at least a week. Maybe two. It’s damn catchy.

The Ravens will score 21 points in the first quarter in a blowout victory over the Rams. At 0-3, the Rams are still in playoff contention. Ladies and gentlemen, the NFC West!

The Texans will come thisclose to beating the Saints in New Orleans. The defenses for each team will come thisclose to making any kind of impact on the game.

The Packers will become the first Super Bowl winner to start the next season 3-0 since the 2007 Giants. Greg Jennings’ twitter feed will blow up with fans asking him not to shoot himself in the foot, literally or figuratively.

In a game that has zero playoff implications whatsoever, the Panthers will defeat the Jaguars.

In a game that has playoff implications only because it’s the NFC West, the Seahawks will defeat the Cardinals.

The Bengals and the 49ers will do their best baseball impersonation. Just like their MLB counterparts, neither team will reach the playoffs. Also like their MLB counterparts, neither team will do much of anything offensively.

The Colts will play well enough to lose to the Steelers.

The performances of Curtis Painter and Kerry Collins will cause everyone watching the game to say, “I could throw better than that.” And they would be correct.

The Titans will defeat the Broncos in Tennessee. In a game featuring running back Chris Johnson, Denver’s Willis McGahee will be the game’s leading rusher with 52 yards. Fantasy owners will joke that they should have picked McGahee with the No. 1 overall pick. Although right now, Chris Johnson owners would be stoked to have McGahee’s numbers (54 carries, 156 yards, 2.9 average, one touchdown).

Those numbers don’t speak well for Willis McGahee. But they really don’t speak well for Chris Johnson.

Ryan Mathews has a career day to lead the Chargers to a win over the GreatJobButWhoAreTheChefs. Mathews’ 2010 fantasy owners will wonder where that production was last season. Mathews’ 2010 fantasy owners are still not bitter.

Tony Romo will put in another gutty performance to lead the Cowboys to victory. Romo’s disappointed detractors will ask him to go to Mexico on his bye week so they can criticize him again.

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

Week 2
Kristin Cavallari is hired by the Saints as a defensive consultant; the result is six sacks for New Orleans on Jay Cutler. Her need to get back at her ex sated, Cavallari pulls a Costanza and retires from the NFL.

Jennifer Lopez debuts her new commercial, I mean song, and millions of NFL fans say: “wait, isn’t that the lady who used to date Marc Anthony?”

Apparently, NFL fans are also fans Hawthorne, Man On Fire and Big Night.

Raiders and Bills will end up as the most fun game of the day. You heard it here first.

Cam Newton and the Panthers will lose on the same weekend as the Auburn Tigers. This is not a coincidence. It’s karma.

The Jets will put a whupping on Jacksonville. The Blaine Gabbert era will begin. The Luke McKown era will go down as the shortest era, ever. Somewhere next to a telephone, David Garrard is laughing.

Donovan McNabb will return to his 2002 form. In 2002, McNabb went 26-of-49 for 243 yards as Tampa Bay won the NFC Championship, 27-10. In 2011, McNabb will also lead his team to a loss to the Bucs.

The Colts will fall to 0-2.

The Patriots will again run just enough to set up the passing attack, which will actually include Chad Ochocinco. As he is no longer missing in action, he decides after the game not to rename himself Chuck Norris.

The Rams and Giants will play their game despite missing a combined 67 players to injury.

Despite the Giants’ win over the Rams, New York fans will chant the name of everyone’s favorite backup, Tim Tebow.

With the Ravens coming up in Week 3, the Rams will be forced to endure a week of hearing about the percentage chance 0-3 teams have at making the playoffs and the list of 0-3 teams that bounced back to make the playoffs.

Tom Coughlin’s challenge percentage and streak will move into Ted Williams and Joe DiMaggio territory. Someone on Monday Night Football will go with the overused and unfunny “Tom Coughlin is old but he understands technology” joke.

Teams that were thinking about hiring Todd Haley as offensive coordinator after the season decide to go a different direction after the Chiefs’ offense is shutdown by the Lions.

Detroit fans across the world will break out the team jerseys that have been hidden in their closets the last 10 years.

The Jets, Bills and Patriots are a combined 6-0. The Miami Dolphins are 0-2. One of these teams is not like the others.

The Dolphins are looking into realignment with the BIG EAST, as they feel that would give them a better chance to get into a BCS Bowl. The BIG EAST is excited that Miami is coming back to the fold, until they find out it’s the Dolphins and not the Hurricanes.

After two games, the 2010 NFC Playoff teams will be a combined 6-6. Not to be outdone, the 2010 AFC Playoff teams will also be a combined 6-6.

Denver will rebound and beat Cincinnati, but Bengals fans will feel better about their team’s future than Broncos fans.

A former Rutgers player will be the best player on the field in the Titans – Ravens matchup. But it won’t be Ray Rice. Or Jason McCourty. You were thinking it was going to be Jason McCourty, weren’t you.

Matt Ryan will improve to 21-2 at home in the regular season. Green Bay Packers fans prefer the other side of that statistic, which is that Matt Ryan is 0-1 at home in the playoffs.

Dallas Cowboys receiver Jesse Holley will make a key play down the stretch and then spend 20 minutes with his arms raised to the sky, breaking Michael Irvin’s record of 18 minutes.

Tony Romo will prove his haters wrong by playing through an injury. Tony Romo’s haters will then criticize him for jeopardizing his career by playing through injury.

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games.

Week 1

Kyle Orton will do enough to keep his starting job with Denver, but not enough to quiet the people who would rather see his high-profile backup taking the snaps.

I’m referring, of course, to Brady Quinn.

Cam Newton will show people why he was the Heisman Trophy winner and the No. 1 overall pick. He will also remind people that he is still a rookie.

No matter who wins the Jets-Cowboys game, the winning team’s fans will read too much into the victory and the losing team’s fans will not read enough into the loss.

Tony Romo will again prove that he is not, as of yet, an elite quarterback.

The anti-Eli Manning calls will get a wee bit louder.

Since the NFL instituted the Thursday Night Season Opener in 2002, only twice have both teams in the contest reached the playoffs (2002 and 2004). On three occasions neither squad made the playoffs (2003, 2006 and 2009). Four times saw just one team reach the playoffs. Last season the Vikings fell to New Orleans in the Thursday Night Season Opener and finished 6-10. This year’s Thursday Night Season Opener will be close; the loser will not reach the playoffs.

Thursday Night Openers
2010: NO 14 – Min 9 (NO made playoffs)
2009: Pit 13 – Ten 10 (neither made playoffs)
2008: NYG 16 – Was 7 (NYG made playoffs)
2007: Ind 41 – NO 10 (Ind made playoffs)
2006: Pit 28 – Mia 17 (neither made playoffs)
2005: NE 30 – Oak 20 (NE made playoffs)
2004: NE 27 – Ind 24 (both made playoffs)
2003: Was 16 – NYJ 13 (neither made playoffs)
2002: SF 16 – NYG 13 (both made playoffs)

The Bears will remind people that they, in fact, won the NFC North last season, and it is theirs until it is taken from their cold, dead hands.

The Detroit Lions will defeat Tampa Bay in the battle of: team that will come close to a playoff berth but ultimately fall short (previously known as the Houston Texans).

The Texans are in more of a desperation mode than the Peyton-less Colts. Their game against Indianapolis is a must-win game for Houston, which will rise to the occasion to keep Coach Kubiak off the hot seat, at least for now.

Cleveland and Cincinnati will still play their game, even though nobody outside of Ohio cares.

Michael Vick and the Eagles won’t be perfect but they will beat the Rams. St. Louis will show that it’s not quite ready to play with the big boys.

Jim Harbaugh will again lead an upset over Pete Carroll’s team. Ted Ginn Jr. will electrify with his return abilities. Ted Ginn Jr. won’t see the light of day as a wide receiver.

Baltimore will open up its offense against Pittsburgh. The game will feature an NFL-record 20 first-quarter fights.

Tom Brady and the Patriots will do most of their damage against the Dolphins through the air, with enough running to keep Miami’s defense honest. But the Patriots’ defense will make Chad Henne look like a Pro Bowl quarterback to the point where during Broncos-Raiders, Denver fans will start chanting Henne’s name.

The Chiefs will provide evidence that last season was a one-hit wonder.

The Raiders will continue to be dysfunctional, undisciplined, wild and kind of fun to watch. They are the guilty pleasure of the NFL.

Donovan McNabb will make Minnesota fans miss the days of Tavaris Jackson.

Tavaris Jackson will make Seattle fans miss the days of Matt Hasselbeck

Matt Hasselbeck will make Tennessee fans miss the days of Kerry Collins.

Kerry Collins will, well, you know.

I have a confession to make.

No one ever expects something like this to happen to them, but when it does, we tend to make excuses. The usual suspects are: I wasn’t loved enough; they don’t understand me; they don’t listen to me; they don’t give me what I need. But all of these excuses are just that: excuses.

The truth is, I am loved plenty. I am given everything I need and want. I couldn’t ask for a better friend. This is my best friend, who gives me all the attention I need, who never criticizes me or points out my shortcomings, who is always ready to play and who goes out of the way to make me feel better when I am down in the dumps. But I betrayed that friendship.

I took another dog for a walk.

Twice.

The first time, I tried to tell myself that, “this is no big deal. We’re just friends. This is what friends do.” But the second time all I felt was guilt. I knew I was doing the wrong thing. But we were together, he was looking at me with those eyes, a leash was hanging on the wall next to me…sure, I used protection and brought a plastic bag, but I still knew I was cheating. I tried to rationalize that my dog doesn’t let me take him for walks, but that’s just a lie and I knew it. I tried to get the smell off me, but my dog knew. I could tell. He sniffed and sniffed me and I knew he smelled the other dog.

To his credit, he didn’t say anything. He pretends that it doesn’t bother him; that it was no big deal. But I know better. And I feel awful.

I wish I could go back and erase what I did but I know that’s impossible. So now we go on our walks and we play tug-of-war and we maintain this dance of “let’s see who can ignore the elephant in the room the longest,” even though both of us know the elephant is actually a 120-pound lab named Harley.

I think the worst part about this is that now I fantasize about walking them together.

What is wrong with me?!

I am a bleeding heart liberal. I have never tried to hide my political beliefs; I would say that many people feel that I am too open with my opinions. Even in disagreement, I try to see the other side’s point of view. In arguments, I attempt to keep an open mind and remember that although the other person’s opinion differs from mine, it doesn’t make said other person any less intelligent.

But after seeing reaction to recent events, I have to wonder if people haven’t lost their minds. I know I am supposed to keep an open mind and not judge others for their opinions, but in this situation I just can’t. When it comes to this hot topic, there is one – and only one – right answer. The fact that other people don’t see it the way I do makes me nervous for the future of our country.

But facts are facts. And the fact is, Sarah Palin is hotter than Michelle Bachmann.

It’s not even close. It’s not even up for debate. The idea that people feel otherwise shows how bad of a shape our country is in. Not only are we obese, racist, prejudiced and stupid; we’re also blind.

President Barack Obama is one crafty SOB.

Not many people are aware of this, but the president has already started his re-election campaign. Many pundits are claiming that his chances of winning in 2012 are bleak because of recent decisions he has made (or not made). These so called “pundits” are more “pun” than “dits,” because the joke is on them. Mr. Obama is not only setting himself up to remain in office, he is also planting the seeds for Democrats to take back the House of Representatives and increase their hold on the Senate. He is doing this under the auspices of “making mistakes” or “giving in to Republican/Tea Party wishes.” But these are carefully crafted strategies that Mr. Obama has put together that will ensure his re-election in 2012. President Barack Obama is indeed one crafty SOB.

During Obama’s three major policy creations, commentators, politicians and voters have criticized the President for not doing enough. Their argument was that he gave too much to the Republicans. He changed his mind to appease those in the middle, the so-called “independents.” He wanted too much bipartisanship. Instead of being a leader and just telling people what to do and how to do it, Obama brought in different opinions and tried to put together policies that truly fit America and its melting pot of people. Apparently, many were upset that he wanted to be President and not Dictator. Republicans, on the other hand, were gleeful that they were foiling Obama’s plan of making the country better.

But what the Republicans did not know is that they were playing right into Obama’s hands. Each time he came up against a Republican roadblock while creating policy, Obama gave a little (a lot) and got back a lot (a little). He was roundly criticized for his unwillingness to make a stand and fight harder for what he wanted. But this was all a part of his nefarious plan to remain in office. Obama gave up on the public option on his health care plan because he would rather have some form of universal health care coverage than none at all. He extended Bush’s tax cuts for two years to make sure that unemployment benefits continued. He again allowed Bush’s tax cuts to stay in place while giving in to Republican (Tea Party) demands that the government cut back on spending in order to raise the debt ceiling.

Each one of these situations has a common theme. Obama has policies he wants to put into place that he feels will make the country better. Republicans fight him on these policies, using key moments to make their stand (unemployment benefits in 2010 and debt ceiling in 2011, to name two). Obama is put between a rock and a hard place and decides to back down on his wishes so that the country survives. Pundits left and right cry out that he is weak and that he is not a leader.

But Obama knows better. He is setting up his campaign strategy to be one of, “I stood in the way of terrible Republican policies and made sure that America kept running. I tried to work with Republicans but they would not work with me. Republicans put their own interests ahead of the country, but not me.” His actions could move Democrats ahead of Republicans on the “we are trying to make America better” pedestal. Obama is taking the hits now because he is willing to sacrifice a small amount of pain to stay in office and put his fellow Democrats back in power.

In a rare moment of honesty from a politician, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell once said that “The single most important thing we want to achieve is for President Obama to be a one-term president.” So how can Republicans stop Obama’s dastardly plan to win re-election? Simply put, they must allow Obama to make all the policy changes he wants. Bush’s tax cuts? Gone. Public option health care? Signed, sealed and delivered. Republicans feel that Obama’s policies will ruin America; what better way to get him out of office than to let him shoot himself in the foot?

So you see, Obama’s re-election strategy is win-win. Either he uses Republican’s unwillingness to work with him as a way to get them out of office, or they let all is policies come to fruition as a way to show the American public that Obama is not good for America.

To paraphrase Messrs. Mike D, MCA and Ad-Rock, Obama’s crafty, and he’s just my type.

John Galliano said he doesn’t remember ever praising Hitler or saying “people like you (Jewish) would be dead,” because he says he was drunk and drugged up beyond belief.

Galliano’s defense of “it wasn’t me, it was the drugs” reminds me of Dr. Richard Kimball’s defense of “it wasn’t me, it was the one-armed man,” in that both are fictional.

His defense does shed light onto how far have we have come as a world when dealing with race issues. The way I look at it, nothing says progress more than the fact that Galliano would rather be perceived as an alcoholic, junkie degenerate than a racist.

Fifty years ago, he would have been an alcoholic, junkie degenerate AND a racist, and he would not mind at all that people perceived him that way. Now he wants us all to believe that he is absolutely NOT a racist, he just can’t stay away from drugs or alcohol. In his mind, it is more socially acceptable to be an alcoholic junkie than a racist.

Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

His other reason for why he is not racist is that he is gay, so he “knows how it feels to be discriminated against.” That is probably true, but being discriminated against does not stop people from discriminating against others. In fact, being discriminated against may actually lead people to discriminating against others. Like the child who was abused growing up to abuse his/her own kids.

I am reminded of an experience that I had in third grade. I was going to a new school in a new neighborhood, so I was understandably nervous. I didn’t know anyone, no one knew me. I walked into class, looked around nervously, and a girl, let’s call her Sally, said: “You can sit here next to me.”

It was incredibly nice of her. She certainly did not have to do that, but she welcomed me with open arms and made me feel like I wasn’t the new kid. I repaid her kindness by doing the exact opposite to her.

See, I came to find out later that Sally was not one of the cool kids; she was one of the kids the cool kids picked on. I was also one of the kids the cool kids picked on. So when the cool kids made fun of her while I was with them, I of course joined in and teased her with the others. It didn’t matter that they teased me as well. I wanted to make them think I was like them, not like her.

I believe my experience can be applied to groups as well. There is always a group that is discriminated against. In America, first it was the Native Americans, then African Americans (who face bigotry even today), then the Jews (ditto), then Irish, Italians and Polish, then Asians, now Muslims and Gays.

Just as I joined the cool kids in teasing Sally, so will discriminated groups discriminate against other discriminated groups.

I know a lot about this subject, because I am a member of the most discriminated group, the White American Males. We are the most discriminated group, in that we are not discriminated against. Which isn’t fair at all – we deserve to be discriminated against just like everyone else!

But no, it’s always about the blacks and the Jews, the two finalists in: “Who’s Been Discriminated Against The Longest,” (coming this Fall on FOX). Yet for some reason, many black people don’t like Jewish people. Many Irish, Italians and Polish don’t seem to like Jews either. And don’t even get me started on how they feel about the Gays.

OK, you got me started.

I remember watching an episode of The Daily Show where they showed a clip of a black woman saying that she didn’t think gays should have the right to get married, and she is certainly not alone in that thought. There are Irish, Italians, Polish and even Muslims who feel that way. Why would these groups, who themselves were discriminated against, who were told that they weren’t good enough, who were not even treated like normal people, then turn around and treat others the way they were treated?

I guess they were doing to others what was done to them.

We have come a long way, though we have a long way to go. If any silver lining comes from Galliano’s situation, it’s that he does not want to be perceived as a racist. The baby steps we are taking as a nation and a world have brought us to a point where being a racist is thought to be worse than being an alcoholic junkie.

See? Progress!

I am a Democrat and a bleeding heart liberal, but it doesn’t mean that I only toe the company line. There are a few things I agree with Republicans on.

For example, I also didn’t think we should have committed troops to getting rid of a crazy, maniacal dictator who suppresses his people but whose country holds oil up the yin-yang.

And yet, we still sent forces into Iraq.

I know Republicans are really worked up about raising the debt ceiling, but I really don’t care one way or the other. In my defense, at least I’m consistent. I also didn’t care when Bush raised the debt ceiling seven times.

I guess raising the debt ceiling is like telling a joke over and over again. It’s always funny the first seven times, but it loses its humor the eighth go-around.

I wonder if Republicans know that Ronald Reagan tripled the national debt, that Elder Bush doubled the national debt and that Younger Bush added four trillion to the national debt and raised the debt ceiling seven times. Good thing Republicans don’t, because otherwise those three might be voted off Conservative Island.

Michele Bachmann scares me (not just because of her politics). She has the crazy eyes. I can’t watch her on television for more than a few minutes (not just because of her politics). I feel her eyes watching me.

If I have learned anything from Barney Stinson, it’s that we always should steer clear of women with the crazy eyes.

I am fascinated by this couple in Israel who named their daughter “Like.” I don’t like it, but I’m fascinated by it. The joke I made on Facebook (where the idea to name the girl “Like” came from), is that the first thing the kid did was to unfriend her parents.

I was joking, but no one can tell me that this kid is going to be happy with the name. First off, only celebrities are allowed to get away with giving their kids ridiculous names. Sure, the kids will have horrendous names, but they’ll be rich.

Secondly, what are the parents going to say when the child asks them why they named her “Like”? Let’s go through that conversation:

Like: Mommy, where did I get my name from?
Like’s Mom: Well honey, as you know, your father and I spend 99.9 percent of our waking hours on our computers, so we knew that our children’s names would have something to do with our love for the internet. Your father wanted to name you “Waiverwire” and I originally wanted to call you either “Onlinediscount” or “Freeshipping,” but in the end we decided that since we both love going on this website called Facebook, your name should have something to do with that. Facebook has a feature called the “Like” button, and that’s where your name came from.
Like: But why can’t I have a normal name, like all my other friends?
Like’s Mom: Well honey because you are special. Your brother Retweet doesn’t have a problem with his name.

It’s one thing to name your child “Like,” which is what will be, like, coming out of her mouth like every other word, but it’s quite another thing to name your child “Like” because of a feature on Facebook. Really? Facebook? I hope and pray that when your child does ask you where she got her name, that you lie and tell her it’s because you like everyone and you knew everyone would like her. Otherwise, she will very likely be supporting some therapist’s family when she’s older.

I don’t think anyone would like that. Except, of course, the therapist.

People think it’s weird that the Libyan leader has multiple spellings of his name, but I say it’s genius. When he gets captured, he’ll say “you’ve got the wrong guy! you’re looking for Gadhafi – I’m Gaddafi. That other guy is a real douche.” Then if he gets caught again, he’ll say “I’m not Gadhafi, I’m Khaddafi! Who told you to look for Gadhafi? Oh man, that Gaddafi is such a prankster. You’re actually looking for Qaddafi.” Then cut to an American solidier eating a candy bar, and the voiceover says “not overthrowing a dictator for a while? Eat a Snickers!”