Author: callmetrl

Post NFL-Week 12 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

All over America, people will celebrate Thanksgiving by watching football. And eating. But mostly watching football.
FOXNews will at first be upset that football and eating are No. 1 and 2 on the “list of things to do on Thanksgiving,” until they are reminded that watching football and eating are each inherently American activities.
The Packers will hand the Lions their third-straight loss. Ndamukong Suh will be suspended for two games after he breaks into his “win dance,” which is illegal under the new collective bargaining agreement.
The spirit of Leon Lett will live on as a fumble will be the key play in a Thanksgiving Day game between the Cowboys and Dolphins. Unfortunately for Miami, Lett won’t be around to help set up a gimme field-goal attempt with seconds remaining in the game.
John will be the winner of the Har-bowl as the Ravens will end the 49ers’ eight-game winning streak. The Ravens will improve to 7-1 against teams with a winning record and 1-2 against teams with losing records.
Fortunately for the Ravens, teams with losing records do not make the postseason. At least, not this year.
Bills receiver Stevie Johnson will find out exactly what karma can do in the Bills’ loss to the Jets. The NFL gods frown upon attempted humor in touchdown celebrations. Just ask Chad Ochocinco. That dude is still paying for his dancing transgressions.
Andy Dalton will pick up his seventh win as a rookie starting quarterback in leading the Bengals to a victory over the Browns.
The Browns will fall to 0-2 in the division. Both losses will have been to the Bengals. The Browns will still have to face Baltimore and Pittsburgh twice. The NFL gods do not like Cleveland. Neither does Joakim Noah.
Speaking of karma and the NFL gods, Matt Leinart will suffer a season-ending injury after playing well early in Houston’s win over Jacksonville.
Atlanta quarterback Matt Ryan will have his first game this season with multiple touchdown passes and no interceptions in the Falcons’ win over Minnesota.
Falcons running back Michael Turner will finish four yards shy of out-rushing the entire Vikings team. Which would be impressive if it weren’t for the fact that Minnesota will rush for a mere 64 yards.
The NFC West will break the record for “divisional games that nobody cares about, not even the fans of the teams involved” when the Arizona Patrick Petersons defeat the Rams. I would tell you what the record is but frankly, nobody cares.
The Titans will defeat Tampa Bay to maintain their 4-1 record against teams with a sub-.500 record, thanks to the Broncos’ five-game winning streak.
In a related story, after Week 12, Tebowing will officially mean “winning ugly,” with the key word being “winning.”
The Redskins will end their six-game losing streak with a win over the Seahawks. Three of Washington’s four wins will be against the NFC West. Mike Shanahan will immediately petition the NFL to allow the Redskins to change divisions.
The Bears will fall to 0-1 without Jay Cutler. Sebastian Janikowski will make good on all six of his field goals to prove that he can carry a team, which isn’t much of a surprise, as he weighs 250 pounds.
Before Pittsburgh’s game against the Chiefs, Ben Roethlisberger will claim that he can beat Kansas City with one hand. This statement will not be smack talk, just facts, as he will be playing with a broken thumb on his throwing hand.
After the game, Chiefs quarterback Tyler Palko will wish he had a broken thumb to blame for his three interceptions.
The Panthers will end their 12-game road-losing streak while extending the Colts’ overall losing streak to 12 games, dating back to last year’s playoffs.
Indianapolis will fire their defensive coordinator and demote their second-string quarterback, going with the argument that their main problems this season will have been quarterback play and defense.
The Colts will be half right, but the way they handle the situation will be all wrong.
The Patriots will dominate the Eagles from start to finish. Giants fans will wonder where the team that beat New England was against Philadelphia.
One day later in New Orleans, Giants fans will wonder where the team was, period.

Post NFL-Week 11 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

After week 11, three teams will be on a five-game winning streak. They will all be from the NFC. Two of them will be in the NFC North. The third will be the 49ers.
The Jets will get Tebowed on Thursday night. Tim Tebow will improve to 4-1 as a starter. The Broncos’ strategy of publicly scouting potential quarterbacks to draft in order to motivate Tebow and the Broncos to keep playing well will continue to pay off.
Revis will get so bored by Tebow that he will allow Tebow to run right by him on the Broncos’ gamewinning drive.
Baltimore will hold off a pesky Bengals team to stay ahead of the Steelers in the AFC North. The Bengals will be 6-2 against all teams not Pittsburgh or Baltimore. Unfortunately for Team Marvin Lewis, they still have games remaining against both teams.
Cleveland will beat Jacksonville in the Ben Folds Five Battle Of Who Could Care Less Bowl.
Jacksonville’s 3-7 record after Week 11 would tie for the worst record in the conference, if it wasn’t for those darn Colts, who are 0-10.
Indianapolis would be 0-11 after Week 11, but luckily for the Colts, the Bye is not recognized as a legitimate opponent by the NFL.
Detroit will tell Carolina, “nyah, nyah, my Number 1 overall pick from an SEC school is better than your Number 1 overall pick from an SEC school.”
The SEC: Where Number 1 overall picks happen.
Warren Sapp and Brett Favre will place a friendly wager on the Green Bay – Tampa Bay game, with the loser forced to text pictures of himself to the winner. Fortunately for Brett, Green Bay will win to improve to 10-0.
Miami will continue to distance itself from its Luck-y day with a dominant win over Buffalo.
Buffalo and Miami will continue to travel in opposite directions, as the Dolphins will win their third-straight while the Bills will lose their third-straight.
Carson Palmer will lead the Raiders to their second non-divisional road win of 2011, which will be two more non-divisional road wins than Oakland got in all of 2010.
Keeping with the history of the relationship between early settlers and Native Americans, the Cowboys will destroy the Redskins’…already slim chances of making the playoffs.
After the game, Redskins quarterback DeAngelo Hall will tell the team to cut him because of his poor play. Seeing this as merely a ploy to get off a sinking ship, Washington will not oblige him.
The 49ers will improve to 9-1, which would be the best record in the NFL, if it weren’t for those darn Packers.
Cardinals fans clamoring for John Skelton to be named the permanent starting quarterback will be reminded why he is the backup.
Completing just 6-of-19 passes for 99 yards and three interceptions will do that to you.
Backup to the backup Richard Bartel will play well in relief, leading Cardinals fans to ask for him to be named the permanent starting quarterback.
If Seattle and St. Louis play each other and a berth to the playoffs is not on the line, will anyone care?
The short answer: no.
The long answer: not one bit.
After Week 10’s 130-yard performance, Titans’ running back Chris Johnson will return to the player he once was.
Johnson will rush for 13 yards on 12 carries in a loss to Atlanta, returning to his early 2011-form when he rushed for 24 yards against Jacksonville, 21 against Denver, 18 against Houston and 34 against Indy.
The good news: Chicago will defeat San Diego.
The bad news: Jay Cutler will suffer a possible season-ending thumb injury in the win.
The good news: Cutler will have more time to spend with Kristin Cavallari.
The bad news: Cutler will have more time to spend with Kristin Cavallari.
Statisticians will successfully jinx the New York Giants with their “Eagles have lost five games after leading in the fourth quarter” and their “Giants have won four after trailing in the fourth quarter.” The Eagles will hold on to one of their fourth-quarter leads to defeat their NFC East opponent and move two games behind Dallas and New York.
Kansas City will score in single digits for the fourth time this season. New England will surpass 30 points for the sixth time this season. This will not be a recipe for victory for the Chefs.

Post NFL-Week 10 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those game

The Eagles’ Dream Team Nightmare season will continue with a late loss to Arizona.
Adding insult to injury, the Cardinals will win with their backup quarterback. 
On the road.
On the plus side, the Eagles’ nightmare will continue to be everyone else’s dream.
The quarterback formerly known as Carson Palmer will finally play like the quarterback formerly known as Carson Palmer while leading the Raiders to a win over San Diego with more touchdowns than interceptions for the first time since last December, when he led the Bengals to a win over the Chargers.
After Week 10, Palmer will have three wins in his past 13 games. Two of them will be against San Diego.
The second-highest rusher for the Raiders will pick up 39 yards on the ground.
He will out-rush the best rusher for the Chargers.
If at all possible, the winless Colts will sink to yet another low in their loss to the Jaguars, benching third-string quarterback Curtis Painter for fourth-string quarterback (and Safety Dance fan) Dan Orlovsky.
Atlanta head coach Mike Smith will channel his inner-Belichick and fail on a fourth down attempt at his own 29 in an overtime loss to the Saints.
Drew Brees will then channel his inner-Peyton and lead his team to victory.
Baltimore will fall to 0-2 in games following wins over the Steelers.
The combined record of the two teams to beat the Ravens after they beat the Steelers will be 8-10.
The Giants will suffer a tough loss to the 49ers, falling to 2-2 against the NFC West. Victor Cruz will be told by Manning after the game, “they’re not saying ‘boo,’ they’re saying ‘Cruuuuz.’”
The Giants’ two wins over NFC West opponents will be more than that of Seattle (one), Arizona (one) and St. Louis (zero). Good thing those teams don’t play in the NFC West.
The 49ers will improve to 8-1 with their win over the Giants. The 49ers will have their best record after nine games since 1997, when they also started 8-1.
That year, they finished tied with Green Bay for the best record in the NFC and the Packers defeated San Francisco in the NFC Championship.
In a related story, the Packers will have no problem dispatching the Vikings to improve to 9-0. More and more wives and girlfriends will start to notice Aaron Rodgers and how “cute” he is.
Thus will begin Rodgers’ trip to becoming disliked by the average fan, a la Jeter and Brady. The model girlfriend is next.
The Dolphins will hand Mike Shanahan’s Redskins their fifth-consecutive loss, the longest losing streak in Shanahan’s coaching career.
Reggie Bush will continue his attempt to get back with Kim Kardashian by rushing for a season-high two touchdowns. Since hearing about Kardashian’s marriage troubles, Bush will have 62 carries for 355 yards (5.7 average) and three touchdowns along with 15 receptions for 82 yards in his past five games.
Most people get drunk and drive by their ex’s house at three in the morning to express their love. Reggie Bush just goes on an impressive offensive streak.
The good news for Houston: it will easily handle the Buccaneers to improve to 7-3, the best record in the AFC.
The bad news for Houston: it will now have to rely on Matt Leinart (he of the 70.8 career quarterback rating) to reach the playoffs for the first time in team history.
After Week 10, Tampa Bay will have given up 163 points in its five losses, compared to 70 in its four wins, proving, once and for all, that teams need to outscore their opponents to win games.
Tim Tebow will complete two passes against the Chiefs. For 69 yards. And the Broncos will win.
Which doesn’t say much for Tebow.
But it really doesn’t say much for the Chiefs.
Shades of Super Bowl XXVII as the Cowboys will romp over the Bills.
Unfortunately, Leon Lett will not be around to make a bone-headed play that will be mocked for eternity.
Fortunately, he made two such plays during his career.
The Rams will score 13 points for the second straight game. Usually not a recipe for success, unless you are facing the Browns, who will muster only 12.
Pittsburgh will hold off those pesky Bengals by a touchdown. Steelers will complain about Andy Dalton’s red hair being a distraction. Bengals will merely point to No. 43 in black and yellow.
The Titans will improve to 4-1 against teams with a record under .500, defeating the Panthers. As an added bonus, Chris Johnson will finally end his hold-out before the game and make a triumphant return with 130 yards on 27 carries and a touchdown.
What’s that you say? He’s been playing the entire season? I don’t believe you.
Chicago’s offense will account for one touchdown and three field goals and its quarterback will complete under 50 percent of his passes, but it won’t matter, as Devin Hester and the Bears’ defense will take care of Detroit.
Matthew Stafford will throw to the Bears four times, including two for touchdowns, giving Stafford a quarterback rating of 158.3.
If only Matthew Stafford played for the Bears.
New England will use its patented “no one expects us to win; everyone is down on us; let’s prove them wrong” plan to perfection, battering the Jets in New Jersey.
One New Jersey team will be 0-2 against the Patriots this season. The other is already 1-0.  You would not believe me if I told you which team was which.

Post NFL-Week 9 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those gam

After waking up from a nightmare after Week 8, Philadelphia’s loss to the Bears will make Eagles’ opponents realize Week 8 was just a bad dream.
On the bright side for the Eagles, LeSean McCoy will take over the top spot in the rushing yards category. Unfortunately for the Eagles, McCoy will cement his status as “first-overall-pick-in-2012-who-will-then-have-a-disappointing-season.”
In a related story, Titans running back Chris Johnson will record his second-highest rushing total this season: 64 yards.
After Week 9, Johnson will rank 34th in the NFL with 45.8 yards per game.
Among the many players ahead of him will be none other than Tim Tebow (46.2 yards per game).
Tebow will rush for a career-best 118 yards in a win over the Raiders while he improves his record as a starting quarterback to 3-3. After the game, he will have six touchdowns against just one interception.
Which is more than what can be said for Carson Palmer, who will throw three interceptions against the Broncos to give him 19 touchdowns and 20 picks in his last 12 games with his teams posting a combined record of 2-10. Somewhere, Hue Jackson is updating his resume.
Andy Dalton will lead the Bengals to a victory over Tennessee, giving Dalton a 6-2 record to start his career. His fellow starting rookie quarterbacks Cam Newton (two wins), Christian Ponder (one win) and Blaine Gabbert (one win) will use their bye week to find just the right shade of red to dye their hair.
After watching LSU and Alabama combine for six points in the first half of their slugfest, the two New Jersey teams decide, anything college football can do, pro football can do better.
The Jets will go into halftime with a 3-0 lead over Buffalo. The Giants and Patriots will finish the first two quarters with nary a point.
Both New Jersey teams will go on to record wins against their AFC East opponents. The Giants will improve to 3-0 against the AFC East. In a flashback to Super Bowl XLIV, Eli Manning will throw a desperation pass to No. 85 who will make a great catch to keep the gamewinning drive alive. A clothing company’s attempt to make money off the win falls flat when nobody buys their “5-3” t-shirts.
In a classic Baltimore-Pittsburgh slugfest, Joe Flacco and Ben Roethlisberger will combine to throw for over 600 yards.
It will be the first time since Dec. 29, 2002 that a quarterback from either team throws for over 300 yards against the other (Jeff Blake, Baltimore), and the first time since before the Ravens became the Ravens that both quarterbacks throw for over 300 yards.
Some will say that this ain’t your daddy’s Baltimore-Pittsburgh slugfest.
Yet somehow, strangely, it is.
Chiefs head coach Todd Haley will decide that his seat is too cold. A beatdown by the previously-winless Dolphins in Kansas City will heat that up nicely.
Both Ben Tate and Arian Foster will go over the century mark in rushing yards in the Texans’ win over Cleveland. Tennessee will wish that its two running backs would at least combine for 100 yards.
DeMarco Murray will officially “Wally Pipp” Felix Jones as the Cowboys will defeat the Seahawks. Fantasy Owners who picked up Murray will take a minute to congratulate themselves.
Ok, we’re back.
The 49ers will defeat the Redskins, which would be much more impressive if Washington wasn’t on a three-game losing streak coming into the contest. Before the game, Mike Shanahan will go to a tanning salon and ask for a “John Boehner.”
Green Bay will hold off San Diego to improve to 8-0, the first Super Bowl winning team to open the next season 8-0 since Denver in 1998. That season, the Broncos’ first loss came at the hands of the New York Giants on Dec. 13. The 2011 Packers will face the Giants on Dec. 4. Somewhere, Kent Graham is warming up.
It will take overtime for 1-6 Arizona to defeat 1-6 St. Louis. Ladies and Gentlemen, the NFC West!
Unfortunately for the Colts, they will lose, again, this time to Atlanta.
Fortunately for the Colts, they will be the only winless team in the NFL.
Unfortunately for the Colts, Luck will have nothing to do with that.

Post NFL-Week 8 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

Against the Cowboys, the Eagles will play like the Dream Team Vince Young purported them to be.  After Sunday night, the rest of their opponents will start having nightmares.
Three teams shall enter Week 8 without a victory. Two will remain that way after Week 8. There can be only one…Winless.
Team 1 has good receivers but no one to throw them the ball. Team 2 has no receivers and no quarterback to throw them the ball. Team 3 finally has a receiver but its starting quarterback can’t throw him the ball (because of a high ankle sprain).
If you guessed Team 3, you are correct! Recently traded for receiver Brandon Lloyd will show just how bad the other Rams receivers are by leading St. Louis in receptions, receiving yards and receiving touchdowns in his first game with the team. Backup qb AJ Feeley will pick up his first win since the 2007 season and St. Louis will defeat the Saints to pick up their first victory of the season.
Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa will retire immediately after the game, recognizing that helping the Rams to a victory is an achievement he will never be able to surpass.
Rams head coach Steve Spagnuolo will point out to his team that the St. Louis Cardinals were 10.5 games out of a Wild Card spot with five weeks to play and they went on to win the World Series, so being five games back with 10 weeks to play is nothing. His motivational tool successful, Spagnuolo’s Rams will go out and surprise the Saints.
Unfortunately for Spagnuolo, Tony Bennett will take down Ian Hunter to maintain his five-game lead over the Rams.
That is to say, the NFC West-leading San Francisco 49ers will improve to 6-1 with a victory over Cleveland. SF will match last year’s wins total with nine games to play.
The Colts (Team 1) will remain winless after getting blown out by Tennessee. The Titans thank their lucky stars they are in the AFC South. Four games against Jacksonville (2-6) and Indy (0-8)?! Sign me up!
The Titans’ Chris Johnson (14 carries, 34 yards) will be outrushed by Javon Ringer (14 carries, 60 yards). Which wouldn’t be a big deal except that Ringer is also a Titan. Ringer is already planning to hold out for 53.5 million next training camp.
Unfortunately for the Giants, they will do what they always do: play poorly after the bye week. Fortunately for New York, its Week 8 opponent is Miami (Team 2), which means that playing poorly just means a close win instead of a blow out. Running back Brandon Jacobs will finally get consistent playing time and prove he belongs…on the sideline.
Tim Tebow will go back to pass but will have to evade the rush after Tim Tebow will miss his block. Tebow will then pass to Tim Tebow, who won’t be able to get his hands on the ball and it will be intercepted by the Lions. On the ensuing drive, Tim Tebow will get zero pressure on Detroit quarterback Matthew Stafford and linebacker Tim Tebow will bite on the play fake, leaving cornerback Tim Tebow one-on-one against the best receiver in football, Calvin Johnson, who will beat Tebow for a touchdown.
At least, that is what we will assume after hearing all the blame heaped on Tebow after the Broncos are crushed by Detroit.
The Ravens will come back from a 24-6 halftime deficit to defeat the Cardinals. Before the game, Joe Flacco will be told in no uncertain terms that he was given a shiny new receiver to throw to and if he doesn’t want the new receiver then the team will take that receiver back. Anquan Boldin will then rack up seven receptions for 145 yards, his highest-yards total as a Raven. Flacco will still have to serve in timeout after the game.
Houston will improve to 4-0 against teams with a record under .500 (and 5-3 overall) by defeating the Jaguars. Not coincidentally, the other teams in the Texans’ division will be a combined 6-17 after Week 8. Everyone will circle Nov. 13 and Jan. 1 on their calendars for the matchups between the Jaguars and Colts, who will be a combined 2-14 after Week 8. Indianapolis would be thrilled to finish the season 2-14. Ladies and gentlemen, the AFC South!
Buffalo and Washington will square off in Canada. Despite being within an hour of the Canadian border, the Bills are still American and hence not required by law to be nice. Buffalo will prove to be rude hosts and shut out a Mike Shanahan-coached team for the first time, well, ever.
Carolina’s Cam Newton will fall to 1-1 against other starting rookie quarterbacks as Minnesota’s Christian Ponder will match Donovan McNabb’s win total as a Vikings quarterback.
Meanwhile, Cincinnati’s Andy Dalton will quietly improve to 5-2 as a starter with a win at Seattle. Dalton’s five wins will be more than Newton (two), Ponder (one) and the Jaguars Blaine Gabbert (one) combined.
Since their win over New Orleans in last year’s playoff game they never should have been in let alone hosted, the Seahawks are 2-6. Karma is a powerful force.
Philip Rivers’ late minute struggles will continue as the Chefs will escape with a victory over San Diego. The game will feature eight combined turnovers. Todd Haley will be thankful his beard hides all his colorful language from TV cameras.
The game of the week will feature the Steelers and the Patriots. New England fans will cry foul after Hair Polamalu breaks the rules to help Pittsburgh get a late safety. Pittsburgh fans will merely say, “Spygate says what”?

Post NFL-Week 7 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games
A Pizza Hut commercial starring the football player formerly known as Reggie Bush will include the line, “I can’t believe I’m here with my fantasy football draft pick Reggie Bush.” NFL Fans will add, “I can’t believe anyone was dumb enough to draft Reggie Bush.” NFL Fans’ wives/girlfriends will throw in, “I think he and Kim Kardashian were a cute couple.”
The weakness of this week’s NFL schedule will almost make fans switch over to watch the World Series.
Almost.
Those fans who do switch over to the World Series will hear the voice of Joe Buck, remember how much they dislike him and switch back to the Seahawks – Browns game, which will keep fans captivated with the classic “will they or won’t they” story line. As in, “will they or won’t they” combine for more than 10 points.
They won’t.
In their game against the Colts, the Saints will also go with the “will they or won’t they” story line, as in “will they or won’t they” post more points in the first quarter alone than 14 teams will in an entire game.
They will.
The Saints will whup Indianapolis so badly that even Steve Spurrier will criticize Sean Payton for running up the score.
John Beck replaces Rex Grossman and will lead the Redskins to a loss against Carolina. Mike Shanahan’s Annual Quarterback Carousel is in full swing!
Christian Ponder will acquit himself well in a loss to the Packers, as he will throw for 219 yards and two touchdowns while keeping the Vikings in the game. Charles Woodson will intercept Ponder twice. Charles Woodson will officially be named Worst Welcome Wagon Ever.
Phillip Rivers will suffer a brain lapse late in the Chargers’ loss to the Jets, throwing the ball out of bounds on fourth down. No confirmation on reports that someone on the Jets’ sidelines was heard saying “Confundo” right before Rivers’ errant throw.
The Bears will defeat the Buccaneers in a football game at Wembley Stadium in England. Fans expecting The Beautiful Game will be sorely disappointed, on many levels.
Carson Palmer will make his triumphant return to football, throwing a touchdown pass to Brandon Flowers in the Raiders game against Kansas City.
Unfortunately, Flowers plays for the Chiefs.
After Week 7, Palmer will have thrown 16 touchdowns and 17 interceptions in his last 11 games and his teams will have a combined record of 2-9. The Raiders could end up giving the Bengals two first round draft picks for him. Somewhere, Al Davis still thinks it was a steal.
After Week 7, Tim Tebow detractors will say that he went just 13-of-27 for the game and the Broncos’ offense did nothing for 54:37 minutes.
Tebow supporters will counter with his two touchdown passes, his 85 rushing yards, his successful two-point conversion and, most important, the fact that he led his team to a come-from-behind victory over the Dolphins.
Tebow detractors will scoff and point out that the Dolphins are terrible.
Tebow supporters will agree that the Dolphins are, in fact, terrible.
Afterwards, both groups will go out for scones, because who doesn’t like a nice, warm scone?
Houston will defeat Tennessee to improve to 3-0 against teams with a record of .500 or worse. Unfortunately for the Texans, they are just 1-3 against teams with a record above .500. Fortunately for Houston, they are the only team in their division with a record above .500. Unfortunately for the Texans, they have the worst record of any of the division leaders.
Matt Ryan will play through a tough injury to lead the Falcons to a win over Detroit. After the loss, Atlanta head coach Mike Smith will be very careful while shaking Lions’ head coach Jim Schwartz’s hand. That dude’s got the crazy eyes.
The rematch of Super Bowl XLIII won’t be much of a match, at all, as the Steelers will soundly defeat the Cardinals. Arizona will fall to 1-5 and yet will not be in last place in its division. Thank goodness for St. Louis!
The Dallas Cowboys will ride Tony Romo to victory over the winless Rams. Correction: the Dallas Cowboys will ride Tony Romo’s ability to hand off to DeMarco Murray to victory over the winless Rams.
There will be a rash of back injuries from fantasy owners who keep patting themselves on the back after picking up Murray prior to Week 7.
The Jaguars will prove to the Ravens that in football, just as in cards, four three’s always beats one seven.

Post NFL-Week 7 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games
A Pizza Hut commercial starring the football player formerly known as Reggie Bush will include the line, “I can’t believe I’m here with my fantasy football draft pick Reggie Bush.” NFL Fans will add, “I can’t believe anyone was dumb enough to draft Reggie Bush.” NFL Fans’ wives/girlfriends will throw in, “I think he and Kim Kardashian were a cute couple.”
The weakness of this week’s NFL schedule will almost make fans switch over to watch the World Series.
Almost.
Those fans who do switch over to the World Series will hear the voice of Joe Buck, remember how much they dislike him and switch back to the Seahawks – Browns game, which will keep fans captivated with the classic “will they or won’t they” story line. As in, “will they or won’t they” combine for more than 10 points.
They won’t.
In their game against the Colts, the Saints will also go with the “will they or won’t they” story line, as in “will they or won’t they” post more points in the first quarter alone than 14 teams will in an entire game.
They will.
The Saints will whup Indianapolis so badly that even Steve Spurrier will criticize Sean Payton for running up the score.
John Beck replaces Rex Grossman and will lead the Redskins to a loss against Carolina. Mike Shanahan’s Annual Quarterback Carousel is in full swing!
Christian Ponder will acquit himself well in a loss to the Packers, as he will throw for 219 yards and two touchdowns while keeping the Vikings in the game. Charles Woodson will intercept Ponder twice. Charles Woodson will officially be named Worst Welcome Wagon Ever.
Phillip Rivers will suffer a brain lapse late in the Chargers’ loss to the Jets, throwing the ball out of bounds on fourth down. No confirmation on reports that someone on the Jets’ sidelines was heard saying “Confundo” right before Rivers’ errant throw.
The Bears will defeat the Buccaneers in a football game at Wembley Stadium in England. Fans expecting The Beautiful Game will be sorely disappointed, on many levels.
Carson Palmer will make his triumphant return to football, throwing a touchdown pass to Brandon Flowers in the Raiders game against Kansas City.
Unfortunately, Flowers plays for the Chiefs.
After Week 7, Palmer will have thrown 16 touchdowns and 17 interceptions in his last 11 games and his teams will have a combined record of 2-9. The Raiders could end up giving the Bengals two first round draft picks for him. Somewhere, Al Davis still thinks it was a steal.
After Week 7, Tim Tebow detractors will say that he went just 13-of-27 for the game and the Broncos’ offense did nothing for 54:37 minutes.
Tebow supporters will counter with his two touchdown passes, his 85 rushing yards, his successful two-point conversion and, most important, the fact that he led his team to a come-from-behind victory over the Dolphins.
Tebow detractors will scoff and point out that the Dolphins are terrible.
Tebow supporters will agree that the Dolphins are, in fact, terrible.
Afterwards, both groups will go out for scones, because who doesn’t like a nice, warm scone?
Houston will defeat Tennessee to improve to 3-0 against teams with a record of .500 or worse. Unfortunately for the Texans, they are just 1-3 against teams with a record above .500. Fortunately for Houston, they are the only team in their division with a record above .500. Unfortunately for the Texans, they have the worst record of any of the division leaders.
Matt Ryan will play through a tough injury to lead the Falcons to a win over Detroit. After the loss, Atlanta head coach Mike Smith will be very careful while shaking Lions’ head coach Jim Schwartz’s hand. That dude’s got the crazy eyes.
The rematch of Super Bowl XLIII won’t be much of a match, at all, as the Steelers will soundly defeat the Cardinals. Arizona will fall to 1-5 and yet will not be in last place in its division. Thank goodness for St. Louis!
The Dallas Cowboys will ride Tony Romo to victory over the winless Rams. Correction: the Dallas Cowboys will ride Tony Romo’s ability to hand off to DeMarco Murray to victory over the winless Rams.
There will be a rash of back injuries from fantasy owners who keep patting themselves on the back after picking up Murray prior to Week 7.
The Jaguars will prove to the Ravens that in football, just as in cards, four three’s always beats one seven.

Post NFL-Week 6 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

The Packers will remain undefeated.

The Colts will remain defeated.

The Packers are the first Super Bowl winning team since the 2007 Colts to start their next season 6-0. Somewhere, probably in Indiana, Colts fans are remembering those days fondly.

Aaron Rodgers will lead the Packers to 24 points in the first two quarters and then use the second half to practice his acting skills. A source close to Rodgers will divulge that the Green Bay quarterback is hoping to Wally Pipp Peyton Manning out of the commercial business.

Curtis Painter will do everything he can to remain Indianapolis’ backup quarterback in 2012. In a related story, the Colts will lose to the Bengals.

Cincinnati rookie quarterback Andy Dalton will begin his NFL career 4-2. The other two starting rookie quarterbacks will have two wins combined.

The 49ers will defeat the Lions in a battle of surprise teams. Unfortunately, According To Jim will take the spotlight from what will be a great, back-and-forth game. Fortunately, Jim Belushi will not be involved.

For the first time in recorded history, a man will say of another man, “I guess I shook his hand too hard.”

The Steelers will make an easy win over the Jaguars look hard.

The Browns will rush for 65 yards in a loss to the Raiders. After an apparent season-ending injury to Oakland quarterback Jason Campbell, backup Kyle Boller will play so well that the team will mortgage its future for Carson Palmer.

In a loss to the Falcons, Cam Newton will have the worst game of his young NFL career with zero touchdowns, three interceptions and a 44.6 quarterback rating.

Rex Grossman will lead Philadelphia to victory over the Redskins. He will wish he had a 44.6 rating against the Eagles.

Ryan Seacrest is already practicing his opening line for the season’s hot new show: “This……is Redskins Quarterback!”

Going into week 6, the Bears were ranked top five in the NFL in sacks given up and the Vikings were among the league leaders in sacks. So of course, Donovan McNabb will be sacked five times and Jay Cutler will be sacked just once.

The Vikings’ Donovan McNabb era will end with a whimper. Similar to how the Brett Favre era ended. Veteran quarterbacks looking to prolong their NFL careers will make a note to selves: do not sign with the Vikings. Unless they offer money.

The New York Giants will defeat the only team that actually plays in New York, the Buffalo Bills.

The New York Jets will defeat the Dolphins. After the game, Rex Ryan will say, “See? I told you we would win the Super Bowl.”

Rex Ryan isn’t crazy. His mother had him tested.

Ray Rice will out-rush the entire Texans team and Baltimore will beat Houston. The Texans will fall to 3-3 overall, a half-game behind the division leader, the Titans, who are 3-2, marking the worst record for a division leader in the NFL. Ladies and gentlemen, the AFC South!

The Buccaneers will rebound from the shellacking they received from the 49ers and defeat the Saints in a mini-upset. New Orleans head coach Sean Payton will prove that sideline injuries are not just for 84-year old Big Ten coaches.

Tom Brady will prove he’s no Samson by leading the Patriots to victory over the Cowboys despite receiving a haircut before the game.

Post NFL-Week 5 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

The Indianapolis Colts will snatch defeat from the claws of victory.

Two separate leads of 17 points will disappear as the Chefs come back to defeat the PeytonManningless Colts. Matt Cassell and Todd Haley will have apparently kissed and made up. At least for this week.

The Eagles will remain in the media spotlight by losing.

The Bills will remain out of the media spotlight by winning.

Vince Young’s “Dream Team” will be officially renamed “Bad Dream.” The 1992 USA Basketball team will call the 1972 Miami Dolphins to ask how they celebrate when the last undefeated NFL team loses.

The Giants will do what the Giants do best, losing to an inferior team. The Seahawks will do what they do best, winning a game they should never have won.

Victor Cruz’s upcoming book will be called Even More Than Just The Catch. It will be followed by a sequel, Still More Than Just The Catch.

The Seahawks’ Brandon Browner will also write a book, entitled I Got Your Catch Right Here.

Let’s play, The Rookie Game! Three rookies will start for their respective teams in week five. You pick the winner! Rookie A will go 16-of-31 for 224 yards, two touchdowns and one interception. Rookie B will throw for 179 yards along with two touchdowns and one interception on 21-of-33 passing. Rookie C will finish the game 15-of-28 for 221 yards and a touchdown.

Rookie A (Cam Newton) will fall to 1-4 on the season with a loss to the Saints. Rookie C’s (Blaine Gabbert) will also fall to 1-4 after a loss to Rookie B, our winner, Andy Dalton!

In a related story, Dalton’s Cincinnati Bengals will pick up their third win of the season, one more than the other two rookie starting qbs’ wins combined. Somewhere, Carson Palmer is thinking, “I did NOT see this coming.”

New Orleans’ Drew Brees appreciates what Cam Newton had to say about him. Brees will also appreciate the fact that the Panthers defense will allow him to throw for 359 yards and two touchdowns in the Saints’ victory.

After giving up an average of 3.5 sacks per game in their first four contests, the Steelers sign former Steeler offensive lineman Max Starks prior to game five. The result: only one sack by the Titans as Ben Roethlisberger eclipses his season total of touchdown passes (three) with five against Tennessee.

Tebow Time will start in Denver with a roar against the Chargers. Well, not a roar, as the Broncos will lose, but not a whimper either.

Tebow Time will start in Denver with an inquisitive growl.

Broncos fans will be thrilled to find out that Tebow is now their starting quarterback. At least for this week. And probably next week too, as Denver has a bye.

Both the 49ers and Lions will prove their mettle by defeating solid teams in the Buccaneers and the Bears.

After week five, two teams will have scored 48 points in one game. If you had heard prior to the season that those teams would be Detroit and San Francisco, you would have said, “1995 called, it wants its Lions and 49ers back.”

You would have made that joke because you were aware that in 1995, the Lions were first in yards and second in points and the 49ers were first in points and second in yards.

Green Bay will become the first Super Bowl winning team to open its next season 5-0 since the 2007 Colts.
The Packers will also improve to 2-0 in their last two games at Atlanta, including last year’s playoffs. Green Bay will join New Orleans as the only two teams to pin two losses against Matt Ryan at home. This will not stop sports gabbers from bringing up Ryan’s home record every chance they get.

Prior to their game against Arizona, the Vikings will look at their 0-4 record and say, “if only we had a running back who could lead us to victory over the Cardinals by setting season-highs in carries (29), yards (122) and touchdowns (three).” If only, indeed.

BenJarvis Green-Ellis, not Tom Brady, will lead the Patriots to a win over the visiting Jets. After the game, NYJ will rank 26th in the NFL in rushing defense. If it’s any consolation to their fans, the Jets will be 28th in total yards per game after week five.

Al Davis is not quite the Gipper, but the Raiders will win one for him anyway. All of his recent iffy draft picks and free-agent signings will suddenly be looked upon as genius. At least for this week.

Post-NFL Week 4 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

After Week 4, only two teams will be undefeated. They will each have a young quarterback, a solid receiving corps and a hard-hitting, fast and opportunistic defense. One of them will be the defending Super Bowl Champions. The other will be the Lions. That sound you will hear will be so quiet you will be able to hear a pin drop.

The Bills’ win over the Patriots and the fact that a game with the Eagles is looming means Buffalo will fall to the Bengals in a classic trap game. The victory for Cincinnati means that Andy Dalton begins his NFL career 2-2. Raise your hand if you thought Dalton would have the best record of any of the rookie starting quarterbacks. Put your hand down, Andy.

Two NFC East teams will separate themselves from the rest of the division. They will not be the Eagles or the Cowboys.

After Week 4, America’s Dream Team will be a combined 3-5

Tony Romo detractors will finally get off the schneid.

Tony Romo fans will remember the good times when Romo fought through injury to lead his team to victory. Romo detractors refer to that two-week stretch as: “the dark days.”

The 49ers will be in first-place in the NFC West with a 3-1 record after Week 4. They will be the only team in their division to have scored more points than they have given up. Jim Harbaugh will have to think for a minute when asked the question, “which is tougher, the Pac-12 or the NFC West”?

The Cowboys will hold a 24-point lead and lose. The Eagles will hold a 20-point lead and lose. The Jacksonville Jaguars and St. Louis Rams will still be waiting to score 20 points in a game.

After Week 4, the Jaguars will be last in the NFL in scoring, averaging 9.8 points per game. After Week 4, the Jaguars will have the same record as the Philadelphia Eagles.

The Eagles’ decision to make Michael Vick the starter and trade Kevin Kolb to the Cardinals will turn out to be a win for both teams. Literally. After four games, each team will have a win.

Against New Orleans, Jacksonville rookie quarterback Blaine Gabbert will finish with a 51.3 quarterback rating. Unfortunately, the Jaguars will trail St. Louis, Minnesota, Miami and Indianapolis in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. Fortunately for Gabbert, even if the Jaguars get the No. 1 overall pick in next year’s NFL Draft, they probably won’t take Luck. Probably.

The Jets and Ravens will prove the best offense is a good defense.

The defenses of the Jets and Ravens will combine to outscore their combined offenses, 35-13.

Correction: the Jets and Ravens will prove that their best offense IS their defense.

Joe Flacco and Mark Sanchez will combine to go 21-for-66 for 282 yards and two interceptions and four fumbles lost. For the first time in recorded history, the words, “try to play more like Trent Dilfer” will be uttered.

The quarterback formerly known as Matt Cassell will lead the Chiefs to a victory over the Vikings.

Donovan McNabb will play well enough to keep his job, but poorly enough to keep Minnesota winless.

After watching the game, former filmmaker Spike Lee will decide to make a movie based on Kansas City’s head coach, entitled: Todd Haley: Makin’ Friends.

The Falcons will lead by 20-points and hold on to defeat the Seahawks. Seattle fans will take heart that Tavaris Jackson can play well enough for his team to lose only by two.

Arian Foster will return from a hamstring injury to rush for 155 yards and one touchdown as Houston will defeat Pittsburgh. That sound you will hear after the game is millions of fantasy football owners dropping Texans’ backup running back Ben Tate.

The Packers will become the first team since the 2007 Giants to start the next season 4-0 after winning the Super Bowl. Aaron Rodgers’ performance will spark multiple “who is the best quarterback in the NFL today” arguments around the water coolers on Monday. Kyle Orton’s performance…yawn…I’m sorry, what were we talking about?

After getting sacked 13 times in the first three games, Jay Cutler will wise up and ask his former ex Kristin Cavallari for her advice. She recommends that he hand off to that Forte guy. The result will be a career day for Forte and a win for the Bears.

The Miami Dolphins will lose to the Chargers to fall to 0-4. Head coach Tony Sparano still believes his team has a chance to win the AFC East. After an investigation, it is proven that his glasses are not, in fact, “Dolphins-colored.” They’re just prescription.

The Patriots will defeat the Raiders in the Black Hole. The “eff-you” mentality will be key in New England’s dominant victory. That, and two Jason Campbell interceptions.

Patriots’ defensive lineman Vince Wilfork will pick off his second pass of the season. Chris Berman will be able to rest easy, knowing that he has his “rumbling, bumbling, stumbling” highlight. Now, if only he can throw in a “back, back, back, back, gone!” somewhere…

Curtis Painter will have his best game as an NFL quarterback in the Colts’ loss to the Buccaneers. Painter’s performance will not make Indy fans forget about Peyton Manning. Or Andrew Luck. But his performance will make Indy fans forget about that Kerry guy.