Day: September 4, 2014

Patriots: Too easy.

Dolphins: Won’t make the playoffs but will be the second-best team in the division. Because…why not?

Jets: Time to let go of the Michael Vick dog scandal. Man did his time. At a certain point, we have to move on. HAHAHAHAHAHA who am I kidding these are human beings I’m talking about!

Bills: Buffalo is Livin on a Prayer, hoping to give fans Another Reason to Believe, but in the end the team will go down in a Blaze of Glory.

Steelers: Mike Tomlin might not be the best coach in the NFL, but he’s still the coolest.

Ravens: Remind me again why you let Anquan Boldin go?

Bengals: Won the Division last year despite finishing with second-best divisional record. No more Jay Gruden, no more Mike Zimmer, no more first-place in AFC North.

Browns: I don’t know if it’s true, but my favorite story about Cleveland is the guy who wrote into his will that he wanted some Browns players to carry his casket so that they could let him down one last time. That. Is. Brilliant. I will not google it because I want to believe it’s true.

Colts: Return of Reggie Wayne, plus Hakeem Nicks, plus Andrew Luck…that offense is going to be stacked. You’ll notice I didn’t mention Trent Richardson.

Texans: If only because it’s going to be a lot of fun to watch Watt and Clowney terrorize offensive lines and quarterbacks. At least quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick knows that his backup is a rookie former Rutgers QB who…what’s that you say? Houston head coach Bill O’Brien brought in Ryan Mallett, whom he worked with in New England, and Mallett is now the No. 2 QB? Oh.

Titans: Chris Johnson might be addition by subtraction.

Jaguars: Blake Bortles will be starting quarterback by week three. You heard it hear…not first. Buncha people have said that already.

Broncos: Welker out four games means the offense will hum along at 99% capacity. Which is still 100% better than pretty much all other offenses.

Chargers: QB Class of 2004 will have a bounce back year. Not J.P Losman, Matt Schaub, Luke McCown, Craig Krenzel, Andy Hall, Josh Harris, Jim Sorgi, Jeff Smoker, John Navarre, Cody Pickett, Casey Bramlet, Matt Mauck, B.J. Symons or Bradlee Van Pelt. The other three guys.

Chiefs: Going out on a limb – Andy Reid will pull an Andy Reid and not live up to expectations. Ok, not going out on that much of a limb. They’ll still make the playoffs though.

Raiders: Here are the top five quarterbacks taken in last year’s NFL Draft: Blake Bortles (3^rd overall), Johnny Manziel (22^nd), Teddy Bridgewater (32^nd), Derek Carr (36^th), Jimmy Garoppolo (62^nd). Raise your hand if you thought that Carr would be the only rookie QB to be named starter. Put your hand down, David.

Six playoff teams: Patriots, Steelers, Colts, Broncos, Chargers, Chiefs

AFC Championship: Broncos-Patriots (Let’s be honest, if we don’t get this game, we’ll all be a little disappointed. Make it happen, football god Roger Goodell!!)

AFC Champions: Patriots

Eagles: Want to send a Philly phan to a dark place? Remind them that Mark Sanchez is the backup QB.

Giants: Tom Coughlin’s incredulous face is already in midseason form.

Cowboys: Dallas has gone 8-8 each of the past three seasons. Their biggest splash signing this offseason was to the practice squad.

Washingtons: I’m jumping on the bandwagon to not use the R-word, because it is racist and insulting and it’s also fun to watch the Fighting Dan Snyders try to argue against common sense and public perception.

Packers: Aaron Rodgers is dating Olivia Munn, but I’ve been told that he looks like me, so I guess you’re saying there’s a chance! (There isn’t.)

Bears: The Florida Gators are still waiting for the thanks they deserve for making Jay Cutler’s career. Any time now, Jay.

Lions: Mr. Expressive Jim Caldwell is now the Lions head coach. I’m not saying the team will do well, but at least it’ll be fun to watch him on the sidelines!

Vikings: Adrian Peterson already wants out. To the Cowboys. That’s gotta sting Minnesota fans, who still haven’t gotten over that Herschel Walker fleecing trade.

Saints: New Orleans was 8-0 at home last year, 3-5 on the road. The Saints averaged 103.5 yards per game at home and 80.6 yards per game on the road. So they are set up perfectly to NOT win the Super Bowl.

Falcons: I’m going out on a limb and saying that last year’s 4-12 record was an aberration, because Steven Jackson is now (kinda) healthy and Julio Jones is now (kinda) healthy and the Panthers aren’t going to match last year’s 12-4 record and…shoot I think I’m wrong here.

Panthers: Carolina will probably finish second in the NFC South, but I gotta go with my first instinct so I’m leaving them in this spot. Also, how good was Cam Newton with the Gators? Sigh.

Bucs: It was nice of Greg Schiano to set the bar so low for Lovie Smith that even five wins is an improvement from last year.

Seahawks: It’s hard to root against Pete Carroll. It really, really is.

49ers: It’s easy to root against Jim Harbaugh. It really, really is.

Cardinals: Making the playoffs not on the DOCKETT for Arizona this year (see what I did there?).

Rams: Bummed me out that Michael Sam didn’t get signed at least to St. Louis’ practice squad, but I’m happy that he got picked up by another team. And that’s all there is to say about the Rams.

Six playoff teams: Eagles, Packers, Bears, Saints, Seahawks, 49ers

NFC Championship: Packers-Seahawks

NFC Champion: Seahawks (Skittles for everyone!)