Day: January 10, 2013

Game-by-game predictions made prior to the NFL Wildcard Weekend based on the results of those games

Minnesota-Green Bay
NBC will delay the announcement as long as possible, but eventually will realize that 99.9% of the football watching population already knows and will finally tell said 99.9% of the football population what it already knows, that Vikings quarterback Christian Ponder will not start against the Packers and will be replaced by Joe Webb. You remember Joe Webb, the guy who has thrown for 853 yards in 17 regular season games, with a 57.9 completion percentage, three touchdowns and five interceptions? Yeah, that guy.

Tony Dungy, who works for NBC (not many know this), will immediately spin the injury as a boon for the Vikings, that Webb presents difficult matchup problems for the Packers, almost going as far as to say that the Vikings are better off with Webb than with Ponder.

You remember Webb, the guy who has thrown for 853 yards in 17 regular season games, with a 57.9 completion percentage, three touchdowns and five interceptions? Yeah, that guy.

Dungy will do his best to over-sell Webb so that viewers won’t give up on watching the game that held the most promise going into Wildcard Weekend (hence the 8pm Saturday night primetime slot). Five minutes in, Dungy will look like a genius, as Webb and Peterson will matriculate the ball down the field, ending with a Vikings field goal and a 3-0 lead. But eventually, Joe Webb will prove to be the guy who averaged 50.2 yards per game in his regular season career, Aaron Rodgers will prove why run when you can throw and the Packers will win a game that will appear closer than it really was.

I know everyone loves the backup quarterback. He’s everyone’s favorite player. He’s never let you down, he’s never thrown a dumb interception in the end zone, he’s never stepped out of bounds in the back of the end zone even though there were no defenders anywhere near him. But here’s the thing: THERE’S A REASON HE’S THE BACKUP QUARTERBACK.

Do you think the Vikings coaches started Ponder for the entire season because they hate themselves? They started him because they felt he was the quarterback who gave their team the best chance to win (note: I did not say “‘better’ quarterback”).

To put it succinctly, Adrian Peterson ran for 399 yards and two touchdowns in the two games against the Packers with Ponder. With Webb, however, Peterson ran for 99 yards.

You remember Webb, the guy who went 11-of-30 for 180 yards and a meaningless fourth-quarter touchdown in the Wildcard round of the playoffs?

Yeah, that guy.

Game-by-game predictions made prior to the NFL Wildcard Weekend based on the results of those games

Indianapolis-Baltimore
Before the Ravens’ game against Indy, Roger Goodell will greet Ray Lewis and congratulate him on his impending retirement. They will share a long embrace while having a short conversation. Luckily, our lip readers will be able to catch every word.

Which is more than we can say for Lewis, who won’t even be able to catch a football that will hit him right in his arms. And I don’t want to hear that “I am coming back from a torn tricep and now I’m wearing Robocop on my arm” excuse.

Roger: Ray, congratulations on an amazing career.
Ray: Thanks, Commish.
Roger: Ray, I need your help.
Ray: Um, ok.
Roger: All the other players are being really mean to me.
Ray: Ok…
Roger: They keep talking about me behind my back.
Ray: Only sometim-
Roger: They are saying really unfair things, like that I don’t really care about them.
Ray: Well-
Roger: So will you be my friend?
Ray: What?
Roger: If I can tell people you’re my friend, they’ll like me again!
Ray: …
Roger: And you can tell people that you’re my friend and that I’m cool, and then everyone will like me again!
Ray: I dunno…
Roger: Puh-leeese?! I’ll give you an exclusive interview next year for your gig on ESPN!
Ray: Promise?
Roger: Swear on Paul Tagliabue’s grave!
Ray: Wait a min-
Roger: Thanks Ray, byee!

Game-by-game predictions made prior to the NFL Wildcard Weekend based on the results of those games

Cincinnati-Houston
Four games will take place over the weekend.

Minnesota-Green Bay will feature a rematch of last week’s great game that saw the Vikings win to clinch a playoff berth, along with the greatest running back probably ever and one of the top-five quarterbacks in the league*.

*NOT Christian Ponder. Or Joe Webb.

Indianapolis-Baltimore will feature the return of a great player for his retirement tour, a rookie quarterback and a coach that has come back from cancer to lead his team into the playoffs

Seattle-Washington will feature a pair of rookie quarterbacks, a pair of tough running backs and a pair of tough defenses.

Cincinnati-Houston will feature, umm, will feature, wait hold on it will come to me, will feature…a rematch of last year’s playoff game!

I think that will be about it.

The NFL will do a good job of scheduling, putting the game that is sure to be the most boring in front of the game that is sure to be very exciting.

Will anyone watch the Bengals-Texans game all the way through? Or will you simply have it on in the background as you’re going about your day, looking forward to the football game coming up at 8pm only to remember, “oh yeah, there’s a football game on right now, I should go check the score.”

With the Patriots looming to face the winner, and with everyone already jacked up for a New England-Denver AFC Championship game, will anyone even care about the outcome between Cincinnati and Houston?

Besides, you know, Cincinnati and Houston?

I guess this game will be the red-headed stepchild* of the weekend. Sure we’ll pay some attention to you, but we know, and you know, and we know you know, you won’t be our favorite.

*This is no way a reference to Andy Dalton. Just a coincidence. I swear.